Secrets to Serenity

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

A little over two years ago I found my way to Al-Alnon, a group that supports families and friends of alcoholics.  The meeting was in the basement of a nearby hospital.  In a room that looked like a classroom.  Chairs had been set up in a circle and a group of 25 or so mostly women were gathered.  A person chairs the meeting and the 12 steps are read.  I had never heard them before.

Step two called out to me like a fog horn, came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  Sanity?  Restore me to sanity?  Those simple words changed my life.  One, it validated that the life I was living was truly Insane and two, that a Power greater than me would restore me.  In Al-Anon the term Higher Power is used to give each person the choice about how they describe and believe their higher Higher Power to be.  I choose Creator.

Like a talking circle, the floor was open to members to share or to pass, while the group listened.  There was no cross talk.  Every story I heard shared that day, I could relate to in some way.  The themes of living with people who were drinking and using drugs or having families who inherited unhealthy patterns from coping with addicts over generations were all familiar to me.

I hadn't realized that my pain and suffering was so prevalent.  That others suffered in the same ways I had suffered.  I was not alone.  We were not a few, we were many.  This was one meeting in a city with meetings everyday.  Do you know how much serenity I gained that day?  I heard stories of people who struggled with addicts in their life, a spouse, parents, children, grandparents no longer living, but with the skills, tools, literature and support of Al-Anon, they had a space for serenity through it all.  

What I heard that day was the secret to restoring your sanity is for your life to be about you, for your focus to be on your health and well-being.  In the Serenity prayer, the things we cannot change are Other People.  The things we can change is Ourself.  And the secret is to know the difference.

When we live in homes and have relationships that have inherited unhealthy coping mechanisms of the family diseases of alcoholism and addiction, our focus is always on others, to read how they are behaving that day, if there are any ways that we can avoid them injuring us, emotionally, physically, financially, etc...  At some point it takes so much energy to manage the relationship, you lose yourself.  There is no space to think about what you want to do with your day, it is full of what you have to do to maintain another's well-being, so you can avoid conflict, criticism, verbal attacks, or abuse.  

How do you take back your life?  A little everyday.  For me one of the most healing actions I took, was to try to remember what things in life brought me joy, made me happy.  

This is the list I have written so when I am not feeling well, either sad, tired, or a bit blue, I can do any of these things easily to jump start my heart back to joy, or at least toward joy.

Listen to my favorite songs

Dance to them

Write in my journal

Call or text a friend

Go buy a $4 coffee

Watch a favorite movie

Do wii Yoga

Take a walk in gorgeous Mother Nature

Take some photos 

Eat chocolate 

Go out for a meal alone

Buy myself a treat $20 or less

(When I am low on my budget a $4 coffee works, too)

Challenge:  write out a list for you.  Keep it in your wallet. And the next time you are feeling a bit down and out, do something on the list that makes you joyful.  Embrace that life always has its storms, but our Higher Power always sends the tools and skills to make it through the storms, and one is to stay positive.  Honor yourself and be grateful for life.  Remember that your Higher Power does adore you, all of your weaknesses and strengths.  And a secret of serenity is to build space for joy in our life.  A little more every day!

PS. I did not post yesterday because I used my morning writing time to support a friend coping with an emotionally abusive marriage.