When you hear the words domestic violence what do you picture? A woman wearing sunglasses to cover a black eye. A woman in the hospital who was severely beaten by a partner? The alcoholic or addict father who comes home and terrorizes the whole family? It was stunning to learn from a woman who had been physically abused, broken bones and all, share that emotional abuse was worse. Worse, you say? How is that possible? She said her bones healed relatively quickly. But not her heart or her mind. Healing from emotional abuse is a long journey.
Another friend shared what she learned about emotional abuse, it's not a bruise on the arm, it's a bruise on the heart. A bruise on the heart. What an amazing way to describe an injury to our emotions. Have you ever been in a verbal altercation and afterwards felt as if someone had punched you in the stomach? No one had touched you physically. But you felt so shaken up and so beat up, it took quite a bit of time to recover.
When speaking to a man who worked at an Abuser's program, he said society has it backwards, we think physical abuse is the worst part of domestic violence, but really it's emotional abuse. This concept has been found by studies learning from women who were physically abused. Is it a hard to grasp this concept? Give it plenty of time to settle in.
What do you do if you believe you or someone you know is being emotionally abused? I would say pray first to find some to talk to about it. Many women who are abused isolate themselves and can't bear to share the reality of what they live with. They may not even realize what is emotional abuse. The Hotline, a national domestic violence hotline, is 1-800-779-7233, or 1-800-799-SAFE. Look for a local women's shelter to find resources close to you.
This is one definition I find helpful.
"Emotional and verbal abuse, which is a repetitive pattern of using words as weapons to denigrate the abused party’s sense of self worth, such as name-calling, belittling and sarcastic comments that continually "beat down" self-esteem. It may also include humiliating, rejecting, or ignoring the abused party in private or in public.
• For children, this may occur in a repeated pattern of caregiver behavior or extreme incidents that convey to children that they are worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, or only of value in meeting another's needs.
• For adults, this may be a relationship where the offender continuously degrades or belittles the abused or accuses them of being stupid, unattractive, a bad parent, unfaithful or any other similar fault and can be considered an indicator of domestic violence or the potential for domestic violence."
From the Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence p.7,
http://www.bahai.us/social-action/advancement-of-women/addressing-domestic-violence/
Also an amazing book to help understand domestic violence and support women who are being emotionally abused is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. On iBooks and at Amazon.
If you can recognize a friend being emotionally abused, talk to her about it. Gently help her to see the behaviors that are bruises on her heart. She may be so overwhelmed she may not even see it. Tell her not to be ashamed, it's not her fault. There is help out there. She is not alone.
Life living with abuse is hard and unhealthy. Life recovering from abuse is hard but healing.
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