My Side of the Street

     This is one of the best concepts that Al-Anon has given me.  To learn that there is a part of my life that is within my control.  And there is a boundary that separates me from the part of my life that is out of my control.  When I find myself in a challenging situation, after I breathe, I ask myself what is on my side of the street?

     Another way to phrase it, is what is on my side of the fence?  I like this visual , too. Because we need healthy boundaries in our lives, which I like to call a fence.  What is on our side is our business, and what is on the other side is their business.  Now some people will occasionally throw their trash on your side of the fence.  Call you a name.  Blame you without taking responsibility for their side.  Treat you unfairly.  Give you the silent treatment.

     I have learned that it's very empowering to recognize when someone is throwing trash on your side of the fence.  It's not mine.  I don't have to take ownership, and I can either brush it aside or kindly tell the other person, I don't want it.  Now in the past I may have reacted strongly to someone throwing trash at me.  And wanted to throw some trash right back!  But that's not who I am and not who I want to be.  

     One of the unhealthy coping mechanisms we learn and can become highly skilled at is manipulation.  How to steer someone in the direction we want them to go.  For me I learned this tool when I had a to work with someone who was rigid and strong-willed and whose values often conflicted with mine.  So I learned if I needed something I had to do very specific things to get what I needed.  And man did that take a lot of energy.

     Now that I have learned that manipulation is very unhealthy for me, I avoid it at all costs.  But it was not easy letting go of a tool that worked for years, even if it hurt me.  Today I choose to use the tools I value, honesty, cooperation, fair compromise.  And I try to let go of the outcome.  I adore the phrase "let go & let God". It helps me feel empowered to accept whatever the other person chooses to do when I keep my side of the street clean.

     One concept that helps me find peace  is that what the other person does is between them and God, or them and the Universe.  And they will be held accountable. God is the Judge, not me.  And the Universe keeps everything in balance.  Just as the choices I make I am accountable for.  So if I have to choose between throwing trash or politely defending my boundary and keeping my fence strong.  You know which one I will shoot for.

     There was a time in my life when I didn't know I needed good strong fences to have a healthy life.  I definitely let someone else have a say in decisions that were rightfully mine.  Like whether I could buy a $4 coffee without judgment or criticism.  Now they have the right to decide for themselves if THEY don't want to buy a $4 coffee.  But they don't have a right to judge or criticize me for making a different choice.  

     My 12 year old was just saying she knows a Quaker and we were discussing what that means.  I told her I respect everyone's passions.  Everyone should have passions.  We need to have passions in our life.  But I also appreciate when they don't impose their passions on me. Or judge me for having a different opinion.  

     Now what would our world look like if we kept our focus on what is on our side of the fence?  And gave everyone  the respect to make their own choices, even when they conflicted with mine?  

Challenge:  think about an area in your life where you need a stronger fence.  How do you build it up?  Can you identify the trash they are throwing on your side?  Do you need to brush it aside?  Can you think of a respectful way to say please don't do this again and I will hold myself to the same standard ?