Break the Silence... Break the Cycles

One of my friends...  Someone who has known me since I was 14... Told me they have seen my posts on Facebook and everything looked happy. So they could not tell that I'd been living in crisis for the past year. 

So I thought I must be doing something wrong!  

One of the biggest things to help me through life's greatest storms is to know I am NOT alone. When I realized my marriage had patterns of domestic violence. Going to a support group was my best tool for healing. Hearing other women tell their stories. 

I heard from women whose intimate partners lied and neglected their children, who told friends and family she was cheating on him, women who had bones broken and women who were almost killed.

A woman who was stabbed and had recently been in the hospital close to death said emotional abuse is the worst. Worse than physical abuse. My body heals with time. But my emotions are still healing. That is what blows my mind. 

I was able to learn that some partners use words as weapons. Some use manipulation. Some use physical violence. But it is all to get what they want. To get their way. 

Hearing other woman share their story helped me understand mine. No, my husband didn't need to hit me to get his way. Yelling, cussing, calling me names, banging around the house, breaking things, refusing to discuss finances.... Those all got him exactly what he wanted. 

For years. 

As the level of abuse escalated. And as it increased in frequency it lead to a crisis. 

I left the house after what I describe as the first incident of physical abuse. My family took me and the girls in. I asked for a separation. Which lead to counseling. And finally divorce. Which opened a whole new arena of control issues. I was left with the children 28 days of the month. I was actually celebrating having 2 nights off a month. 

It took years before I realized how out of the range of normal that was. 

It's been 5 years since the divorce. 3 years since I moved out of state. And although I am relatively safe my children still suffer. So when they are unsafe, so am I. 

It's tricky to share something so complex. But I guess I will need to find a more balanced approach to what I post on Facebook. Because my life has been hell for the past year. And my friends should know it. I know others will experience stress and life storms. And the worst is believing that you are the only one. 

The only way to break the cycles is to break the silence. 

We are only as sick as our secrets. 

And the only way women will leave an abusive home is if she has someplace safe to go. So it's our job, the friends and family to help her know she should leave. And help her find a safe place to go as she rebuilds her life. My family took me in. My family fed me and my children. My family supported that I deserved a home where respect and love were the guiding forces, not control and manipulation. 

And since then I've helped two of my friends leave unhealthy homes. Homes should be a refuge. A place to be nurtured. Not a place where you have to be prepared for constant conflict or harm. They and their children are recovering and healing. It's a long path. What's worse than being hurt by the person who should protect you?  

So please when you see a friend struggling with issues of control, abuse, violence. Tell her she should leave. And tell her you will be there to hold her hand as she walks the path out of hell. And when she goes back to him. Know statistics say a woman tries to leave 7 times before she can finally leave. So don't give up on her!  

And 5 years later for me. I'm still dealing with having an unhealthy co-parenting relationship. So I still need my family and friends to support me. It is a long road to recovery. 

My Longhouse is called Daybreak Star...A Nation of Many Tribes.

My Tribe is a Nation of many Tribes. My homeland is all of Turtle Island. My village is the village of Seattle. My Longhouse is called Daybreak Star. My Chiefs are Chief Seattle, Chief Joseph, Crazy Horse and Geronimo.

My fellow villagers growing up are members and descendants of Tribes from all across our homelands because we have intermarried- into all the Tribes of Turtle Island and across our global village. 

My cousins are a rainbow of the shades of human. 

My clan is the Killer Whales of Old Metlakata where I have never been. Because Creator sent my family on a journey. To New Metlakata. Where my heart is always on the beach. 

I am a child of the Tlingit Nation born 3 rd generation in the Coast Salish territory. My infancy and preschool years were spent in Suquamish/Duwamish territory and in Little Boston. Under the shelter of the shadows of Old Man House. It may have been burnt down by a government agent. But it's spirit still shelters us all. 

My friends of my youth were the descendants and relatives of Chief Joseph. Their story taught me the atrocities our Nation of many Tribes has suffered, has survived. And that we are still trying to look for our children and care for our elders post battle. 

I was educated by the Puyallup Tribe. Chief Leschi hung on a lie. I was taught and trained to be a leader. I was sent to Washington, D.C.  To UNM to study journalism . To the Northwest Indian youth conferences. All before I was 17. These were gifts no public school would have ever given me. I was taught I didn't have to say the pledge of allegiance to start my day. I was taught our culture from a Tlingit teacher. I was mentored by Native women and men. 

I went to my Ancestral home for the first time when I was 16. This is when I learned what being Tlingit meant for the first time. That the land loves me. That my Ancestors energy and love vibrates through the mountains, the sea, the forests and they were all happy we were home after a journey my great-grandmothers all started when they married Filipino men and migrated south. 

I was raised in a refugee camp. In Seattle Washington. I was raised with Indians all post battle. But I didn't know that. All I knew was my heart beats stronger when ever I hear the drums of our pow wows. When ever I hear the bells on the men's outfits. I am a member of a Nation of Many Tribes because our homelands were stolen and we were scattered abroad. 

In 1992 I was sent to two gatherings of Baha'is. One in Haifa, Israel to observe the 100th Anniversary of the passing of Baha'u'llah. 3,000 people gathered from across the globe. 19 people from each country with a Baha'i community. And I represented Alaska. At 18.  The other one in NYC with 30,000 Baha'is from across the planet. This taught me the true wealth of humanity rests in the gifts of each of our Peoples. And when we all gather together to work on bettering the world, nothing will stop us. 

In 1995 I lived a school year in the North of Siberia. This taught me what it is like to live without money. To live on what your family grows in your garden. To live without electricity. I didn't live in the village but I taught there. I saw a school where almost all the teachers were Indigenous. The Superintendent was an Indigenous woman. No one has money but they all had access to college education. The doctors in the clinic were Indigenous. The employees of the Atate government were Indigenous. Blows my mind. 

This taught me the intention of my country the USA. To keep college education away from Indian children. To keep us in poverty. To keep us disempowered. To keep us colonized. 

In 2001 I became a mother. And that has been my profession for 14 years. An honor and a privilege. 

I also survived domestic violence. I have been on a journey of healing for 7 years. That is what has brought me back to the land of the Suquamish. Where my sister has married into the Tribe. My nieces and nephews are now descendants of this territory. That is when I learned that the Spirit of Old Man House is alive and shelters us all. When I was exhausted post trauma and I found shelter and a family to love us, here. The Lawrence Clan. 

What does it mean to be human beings today?  

This is defined mostly by our prison wardens. How much blood of ONE Tribe do you have?  

No. We are a Tribe of Many Nations. And this is our Homeland. And we will not be colonized any more. We will not sit quietly when you break the treaties your Ancestors signed with no intention of keeping their word.  We will not be quiet as our children suffer in schools full of the cancer of Racism. We will not be quiet when our Elders are in need. We will not be quiet when our Veterans/warriors aren't being honored for their sacrifice and cared for properly post battle. We will not be quiet when you break your own laws. 

Yes. We all have Ancestral homelands. And we all have Tribal Sovereignty. But Creator has created a new Nation. And we are stronger and more full of potential than ever before. As we decolonize and become aware of the strength of Indian Country, we will heal our Peoples. And we will lead the global village to our true destiny which is Peace. 

This is what our Sacred Stories tell us. A time will come when the family of Humankind will gather as one and build peace and prosperity for all. 

This is why the world is in labor pains. Birthing a day of peace. We will say no to injustice. We will build systems of justice. And our children's children's children will live in peace. 

This will be done as we practice our Ancient Sacred ways of life and apply them to our communities to heal. And we teach others how to heal by using the Sacred. 

How to be a Strong Canoe and How to Stop Death by Tug of War

To pray is not to read the Bible. 

To pray is to 

trust in Creator and accept His Will. 

You must be patient and accept the Will of Creator, 

then things will change for you. 

Put your family in Creator’s hands. 

Trust in Creator and love His Will. 

Strong canoes are not conquered by the sea; they ride the waves! Now be a strong canoe, not a battered one.

(Gloria Faizi, Stories About ‘Abdu’lBahá) 

These instructions from 'Abdul-Baha guide me through all my storms.  If you know me well, you know there are storms in my life that I have no control over and at this time I cannot remove the source of theses storms from my life. So I use the tools and skills Creator sends to me to be a Strong Canoe and to ride the waves.

One of the most important skills to learn is that Creator ALWAYS sends you the tools and skills you need to navigate EVERY storm.  You have to be on the look out for them. Or you might miss them completely. Sometimes it is an article, a book, a meme on Facebook, or a person.

For me, my biggest tool is Al-Anon.  Because of the 12 Steps and the community of people seeking Serenity.  Al-Anon teaches me how to build Serenity in my life everyday. No matter how strong the storm is brewing.  Torrential rains.  Take winds.  Flash flooding.  All these can be happening, and I can guide my Canoe through them.  Of course, there is an  initial emotional reaction, but after I can clear off my vision and look forward past the red hot emotions of anger, frustration, powerlessness, I can see my way out. 

I cannot control another person. I can only control myself. 

So what can I do on my side of the fence that makes the storm easier to navigate?  

One of my favorite tools to use is called Wisemind.  We learn it in Healthy and Whole.  (An awesome class created at Suquamish Wellness Center). It takes you through our emotional reaction, identifies what emotions we are feeling and how strongly we are feeling them, what else is true (list of facts) and then helps us find what is "right for right now" using both our emotions and our logic to create a solution that works for us in the moment. 

So let's take something simple. A text. An email. Comes in. And it is the same old garbage that has been thrown on your side of the fence a hundred times. You've been over this issue over and over again.  You are very clear about your boundary and your expectations.  And the person still acts as if you have never had a dozen conversations about this issue.

Number one for me is not to reply immediately. 

I used to reply instantaneously. With an angry response. 

Now unless it's urgent, which it is not 90% of the time.  I wait 24 hours. 

And I use Wisemind. 

I validate my emotions. I gauge how strongly I am feeling them.  I list what else is true. (Yes we have had this conversation a dozen times!). And I decide on what is right for me.

Now boundaries (good fences is what I like to call them), are continually growing stronger.  What I believed to me within my rights 5 years ago, 1 year ago is different than today.

Today I don't engage in Death by Tug of War.  The texting battle of differing opinions going on forever and ever. Until I collapse in exhaustion.  

Today I state my boundary and expectation once. And I leave it at that. 

I also reach out to people I trust to vent and to help me problem solve.  For me these are two important steps.  But you may have a different approach. 

If the other person was skilled at conflict resolution, you would not have these particular flash floods.  So you just have to stand your ground. And remain calm and assertive (thanks Caesar Milan). 

Usually the pattern the other person has is of control, and manipulates to get their way. So learning what defensive skills are needed to have a strong fence is very vital.

Make them compromise!  And know what you are willing to give up, to get.  But don't give up a minimum boundary. Know where your fence is. 

Be a Strong Canoe, not a battered one.  Ride the waves!

"To pray is not to read the Bible. To pray is to trust in God and accept His Will. You must be patient and accept the Will of God, then things will change for you. Put your family in God’s hands. Trust in God and love His Will. Strong ships are not conquered by the sea; they ride the waves! Now be a strong ship, not a battered one.” (Gloria Faizi, Stories About ‘Abdu’lBahá) 

Photo credits - Tracy Rector- film at Seattle Art Museum

Now when we are all Strong Canoes and we work together in harmony, we heal the world! Canoes asking permission to come ashore.  Bella Bella 2014