I don't know about you. But I did not know what in the heck to do when my husband and I argued. I'd say we managed life pretty well until the stress overload unbalanced our life. For me it was his medical training, meaning his absence, and my being a stay at home mom for that time, which lasted 8 years. For you, it maybe the birth of a child, a lost job, underemployment, a medical issue, a death in the family, the family disease of alcoholism and addictions.
Year 4 of Toxic Stress I read a book called All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage by John W. Jacobs. It gave a great example of an argument and how to change the dynamics. He explained the two of us were each tuning forks. And when we argued, the vibrations bounced off each other and the argument continued. I was pretty miserable at this stage, the disagreement and arguments were escalating. I was feeling so frustrated and unheard. Cussing was being used, something I grew up without. And I was starting to throw things. Again not from my family of origin.
So the book said if one tuning fork calms itself and becomes still, the other tuning fork will become calmer and more still, without the added vibrations from the other tuning fork. I hope that makes sense. Because that lesson changed my life. I think we would have gone down a dark and destructive path without me learning this skill. It changed our disagreements. Because I was determined to be calm, we no longer went nuclear on each other. Now it didn't stop the argument, it didn't make me feel heard, but we had less intense and damaging arguments. And in the end, I finally got tired of ALWAYS being the calm tuning fork. (One reason for divorce, 5 years later)
But I share this lesson with girlfriends all the time. It really is a great skill. And if your partner were able to take turns being the calm tuning fork, I could see it being a tool to save a marriage.
So I used counseling on and off. He refused to go for years, until one incident scared me and I refused to return home until he finally agreed to counseling. This was Toxic Stress Year 7. We used marriage counseling when we could (remember medical training and 80 hour work weeks, 30 hour on-calls shifts when it wasn't guaranteed he'd sleep). That meant I took care of 2 kids, almost all by myself. Also for a majority of those 8 years I had the honor of taking care of two awesome kids, one at a time. One little boy my eldest daughters age for a couple years. Followed by one little girl, a year younger than my youngest daughters age. The income that brought in put food on our table. Counseling was my saving grace. So I highly recommend it. And if you are a Baha'i, the Universal House of Justice advises couples when experiencing marital difficulties to use counseling, individually and together if possible, and wise and mature friends.
The tool that inspired me to write today is my -when to take a break tool. This one I came up with all on my own. So even with my calming tuning fork skill, there would be times when my husband would follow me when I left a room to get some space. So if you are lucky, you may be able to take a break from an argument in your home. Just tell your partner, you need a break to calm down and request to discuss the disagreement after you are both calm. If you know about anger, you have realized you can't hear what someone is telling you once you are angry. So it's best just to table the argument and try again later.
If your partner can't honor your request for space and leave you alone in your own home, the next tool you need is -walk out the door. I started to use this when I no longer tolerated being called a nasty word or being cussed at. If he was not working, I left him with the kids. And if he had to go to work, I took the kids with me. This tool was very empowering. It was a reaction to being treated in a way I didn't agree with and gave me an action that was healthy. I didn't need to cuss back at him, or argue with someone who could not hear my side of the issue cause he was too angry.
Just a break from the house. An hour to the library. A trip to a playground. A treat and a coffee. Picking up sandwiches for dinner. All these gave us both time to calm down. And it stopped an argument from escalating worse.
It sounds simple. But I have found many married friends who can't use this tool. They aren't "allowed" to leave an argument. And the first times you use this tool may start an argument all on its own. But it's a great tool to have in our toolbox of skills of how to have a healthy argument. And if you have a very flexible spouse, they may take turns with you, who gets to leave the house. It is a skill both of you need, to say - hey we are both angry. Too angry to hear each other. Let's take a break. And try to figure this out later, when we are calm again.
Challenge: can you think about what topics are hot spots for you and your spouse? What do you always argue over, again and again? Can you write a list? A messy house? Who spent what money in a way they disagree with? That neither of you get time alone or a date night off from the kids? Can you see how your arguments escalate? When do you think you could use being a calm tuning fork? And when do you need the tool - to walk out the door? Good luck!
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