Grief. Waves that come and surround you. Then recede. And come again.

     Grief is a complex experience.  It can come as a shock, like a tsunami hitting, or slowly as flood waters slowly rise until the house is surrounded and you are stuck.  My past experience with grief were two major events, my divorce after 15 years of marriage and the loss of an Uncle, our beloved Grandmother and Matriarch, an Aunt and Uncle within a span of 8 months.  

     That is when I learned that grief comes in waves.  It comes and embraces you, fills you with sadness and then passes.  You get on with life learning to adjust to the loss.  Then the wave comes crashing in again, embracing you, filling you with sadness and then receding.  For me it took a while to recognize the pattern.  Then once I understood grief comes and goes, it was easier to navigate.  

     The loss of loved ones varies.  Losing an elder, you know the end of the life cycle is approaching.  And you can prepare for their death.  But when they pass away, the dark reality of loss can be overwhelming.  The pillar who had been a significant presence in our life, our whole life, is now gone?  Now times that by 4.  Losing all four was like  four 8.0 earthquakes and their tsunamis hitting our family before we barely recovered from the last passing.  October, December, January, and June.  Four of the pillars of my life no longer present.  The losing of someone too young before  when the end of life cycle should be, and the younger they are, the more painful the loss.  

     Our families believe their is existence that follows death on this planet.  So there is a comfort there.  I especially felt my Grandmother's shining beacon after she passed away.  She seemed to have a specific agenda and I saw it clearly manifested in my life.  During my own life storms I find strength knowing I have a grandmother, two uncles and an aunt looking after me, my own guardian angels.

     The divorce was a different kind of grief.  It was more like a flood that had slowly risen and all of a sudden my home was completely underwater and I was left floating waiting for rescue.  The grief swallowed me whole.  And it took ages to process it and to finally recognize it as grief for the loss of a future I had dreamed of.  I had dreamt of  raising our children together, travel, service to humankind, to our beloved Faith, and of enjoying the financial security for our family from the  investment in his education.  Also to let go of the romantic love I felt for him when it was no longer returned.  

     There is one theory of stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and says "that when a person is faced with the reality of impending death or other extreme, awful fate he or she will experience a series of emotional stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance."  Denial - I'm fine.  Anger - why me?  Bargaining- I'll do anything for... Depression - why bother? Acceptance - It's going to be ok.

     My acceptance for the loss of loved ones was tied to Faith in Divine timing.  That the Creator and Universe have a Divine timing for when a person's life cycle ends.  And it's easier to bear when I believe that although I cannot see them, but they are with me, can hear me, and can influence my life in positive ways.  When my Grandmother died I went immediately after her funeral to a conference across the country.  But in the hotel lobby an old family friend greeted me and acknowledged my loss and said - I pray every day for Ruby, because I know she prays for me.  I was far from home, but I was sent a dear friend to comfort me.

     My acceptance of my divorce and the reality that eventually became the absence of my daughters father in their lives took longer. I was so attached to that future of a dream together.  And I did not want to parent alone.  But I knew the Creator is the Ultimate Protector.  He would shield and shelter us when the man who used to be my husband and would forever be the girls father was no longer present to do the job. 

    A friend shared when people leave your life God sends us new people.  And it's true.  When I needed someone to watch the girls so I could go to my college class it was my best friend's husband who stepped up.  When we needed money to eat, it was my Step Dad who sent money.  When the 4 year old needed asthma medication picked up and it was 20 degrees outside, a family friend was happy to do it.  I stopped looking for what my girls needed from a person who was not interested in being present. I was surrounded by people who loved and cherished these amazing girls, and were committed to the work that it takes to raise a child.  Who helped with love and compassion.  What a gift to learn to stop asking someone who wasn't interested.  My grief turned into acceptance.  And my  loss was replaced with gratitude.

     Challenge:  are you struggling with grief?  A loss old or new?  Can you see where in theses 5 stages you are stuck? Or are you completely overwhelmed when a reoccurring wave of grief hits out of the blue?  I call some grief chronic grief. Because you will always carry it. It will be there like an old scar that always reminds you of a past injury.  I suggest writing a letter and not sending it, writing in a journey or talking to a friend. 

Here is a link to Kubler-Ross theory.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

O SON OF THE SUPREME! I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to shed on thee its splendor. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom?

From Baha'i Writings

Passion for Art +SAM + photowalk + Instagram= a whole new world of photography and community

     My life changed September 7th, 2013.  Yes, I will mark it with a new milestone, a new chapter of my life began.  My initiation into the world of iphoneogprahy, using your iPhone as a camera.  Sure I've taken amazing pictures for the last few years and posted them to FB.  This summer a friend told me how she liked Instagram and I downloaded the app, but it wasn't until the Photowalk on September 7th at the SAM sculpture park that I posted my first photo to Instagram.

     I learned my first hash tag for the event, #bemobile_k5.  And I found my first non-Facebook contact, @KateHailey.  The tip given to me by an Androidedit rep was "look for a different perspective.  Go low.  Look up. "  I took pictures while walking through the sculpture park with new friends.  I took about 50 photos while on the walk.  4 of which I thought were decent enough to post for the photowalk contest.  I uploaded them that night.  Good thing, cause if I waited and saw the other hundreds of photos posted later, and I was quite humbled, I would NEVER have posted a single photo.  The fascinating part of a photowalk is seeing 300 photos of the same park and seeing 300 different images, perspectives and stories.  

     My first thoughts were what an awesome way to build bridges through diverse groups of our City, through a Universal Language, photography.  Our country was debating what to do about Syria.  Do we take military action or not?  I always try to build peace in my life and in my neighborhood, (also in my Facebook hood) when we are discussing war, war crimes, genocide, etc.  I feel the only way we will ever achieve World Peace is when we have peace in our hearts, our homes, and in our communities.  What can I do about Syria today? Discuss my thoughts of peace with friends and take small actions that build peace in my life.  

     Since September 7th, I've been learning how to use Instagram, the camera, the filters, how to post, what tags to use, how to follow people, how to comment on other's photos.   I am having a great time.  I took my 12 year old daughter to a Flickr photowalk at Pike Place Market.  She got the best photos. I've posted them on my Instragram, lagubatayao, and our Flickr, threekillerwhales.  Flickr gave me a headache.  Information overload.  It's gorgeous, the photos from the Pike Place photowalk are again amazing.  And yes, I posted our simple and humble photos.  

     Challenge: try out Instagram.  Post a photo.  Check out #bemoblie_k5 from the SAM sculpture park Photowalk.  It's a great way to be creative, see some amazing artists and be a part of a community of artists.

Us vs.Them, Parents versus Teachers, or how to build a team and not become adversaries.

     With the new school year just gearing up, many of us parents are getting to know new teachers, and for those of us with kids in middle school and high school we are trying to get to know multiple teachers.  Backpacks are full of supplies and lunch boxes are packed.  Homework is starting to be due.  Deep breath, cause we know it's a long year ahead of us.  

     So a girlfriend texted me yesterday that her kindergartner  was "pulled into the hall by the teacher... To discuss his lack of listening yesterday and the disruption it caused."  This actually cracked me up, I replied "Lack of listening from a 5 year old. Classic!  Get a grip teacher."  

     What did I find lacking in the behavior of this adult and college-educated teacher?  The use of shame.  Does shame really motivate a kid to correct a behavior?  And if this boy is a kindergartner in his first month of school, has he had enough time to learn when the appropriate times for being quiet and listening are?  What is kindergarten for?  Isn't it to learn when to be quiet and listen to a teacher?  And is it age appropriate to ask a 5 year old boy to have this lesson mastered in the first month of school.  Or be shamed for his not mastering this skill yet?  Aren't there more healthy choices of motivating a 5 year old?

     I  have  learned in 12 plus years of parenting that kids are motivated by different rewards.  When my kids do not follow directions multiple times, I threaten to take away their privileges.  I give them three chances.  If they haven't followed by the third chance they will lose electronics, iPods, kindle fire, Wii and tv for a set amount of time.  They have suffered through those consequences enough now, that I rarely have to take the privileges.  I also use praise when they do follow directions.  It's my goal to praise more than I  punish.  Because I believe praise builds self-esteem and criticism kills it.

     I also have different expectations from my 12 year old than my 7 year old.  The 12 year old points this out on occasion, why does she not have to do ____? Because I didn't expect you to do that at her age either.  One of my basic rules is when the kids ask me to do something, if they are capable of it, they have to do it.  There are many things a 12 year old and a 7 year old are not capable of, so I have quite a long list of things I will do for them.  The 7 year old can go get a glass of water if she is thirsty.  But there are times when I will get her something to drink as a gift, being kind and loving.

     So how do we support our kids when our values and discipline systems clash with their teachers, or their schools?  The same 5 year old was choked by a classmate, defended himself and will lose recess until Tuesday.  While the safety officer teaches them both alternatives to aggression.  OM heavens!  My kid defends himself and he loses recess?  And he has to spend time with this perpetrator as a punishment?  Who thinks of these systems of discipline?  

     I advised my friend to praise her son for defending himself at home. And to have the school in writing tell her exactly how they expect her 5 year old to respond to bullying, so she can help train him.  I say in writing, because its my experience that on a playground bullying gets ignored by adults a lot. And kids have to handle the situation themselves.  So if the correct way to respond is to tell an adult, will the adult listen and take action?  Many times I have seen a kid who is bullied not to be a tattle tale!  

     I have also seen a school train peer mediators.  When kids have conflict on the playground, a peer helps them solve the conflict. And if it can't be solved then they turn to an adult!  Pretty cool if you ask me!  

     So what is on our side of the fence?  How do we build bridges with our kids teachers?  With the school staff?  I think communication is the key.  And the same rules apply, praise more than criticize!  Lol.  Teachers and school staff will become defensive if they feel criticized.  So in the case of the kindergartner listening or not, I'd email the teacher and set up a short meeting without the student to discuss how he is rewarded and consequences for not following directions at home.  Describe his personality and what motivates him.  Work together on him mastering this skill.  Find a way to praise the teacher for some other strength you have seen, a well organized classroom, etc...

     The most important principle in this situation is that the student feels successful and is given the opportunity to be successful based on his/her individual strengths.  What if he can't listen this year?  But at 6 years old, 

 his brain switch turns, and he masters the ability to sit quietly?  How a kids feels about school and their ability to succeed is all the difference.  I bet if you asked every college graduate if they felt successful in elementary school, the majority would say yes.  And if you asked non-college graduates, if they felt successful in elementary school, I think we'd get the opposite... 

Challenge: are you being challenged with a teacher or a school system?  Is there a way to build a bridge of communication?  To request cooperation and a team effort to meet the needs of the kid and the classroom with positive discipline?  

And if you are a teacher, can you see how to reach out to a parent and build a relationship of mutual support and cooperation.  Are there factors at home you may not know of?  Are there high stress factors, unemployment, underemployment, poverty, single parenthood, addictions, domestic violence, lack of parenting skills (that occurs across class/income)?  Can you help the family get the support they need to support their kid in school?

Marital difficulties, an Epidemic, or how does Patriarchy affect our families today?

     This morning I had a challenging time deciding what to write about.  I thought about some of the conversations I've had with friends and what tools I've shared with them recently: Take Some Space, Walk Out the Door, Nurture Yourself, Read Your Traffic Signal, Make Time for Joy Every Day, Drop the Rope of Tug of War, and just this morning, When You See A Bear Walk Away to A Safe Distance, meaning if your partner is angry give them space  and Do Not Engage.

     The common thread behind the majority of these skills is our significant relationship, and within them the patterns of women being dominated by men.  "What? We live in America in the year 2013?  Women and men are equal.  I believe women and men are equal, so does my husband, so it must be true, right?"  I was surprised when I read in the book Advancement of Women by Janet and Peter Khan, "While the causes of marital breakdown can be many, one common cause is domination of the wife by the husband." (Page 115)

     Again lets look at the Big Picture humans have been humans on earth for 200,000 years.  In 1920, the 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote in the USA.  That's just under a 100 years.  That's 1900 years since Jesus Christ walked the earth.  So after 199, 900 years  of life on Mother Earth women were given the right to vote.  In the 1960's a women's liberation movement spread throughout the world.  And our country still has not passed an Equal Pay for Equal Work law.  It's only been a few decades that women working out of the home has been more common than those who do not.  To understand the Big Picture, we need to understand what patriarchy is and how it has worked for thousands of years.  

     Patriarchy- from Merriam-Webster Dictionary app  

1 : social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line; broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power

2 : a society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy

     Both of these definitions are present in our daily lives, our homes modeled on the blend of both of our original families have models of patriarchy, dependence of women on men, and a disproportionately large share of decision making power.  Our schools and work places also have patterns where men dominate especially in roles of leadership and management.  I was astounded one day looking at a wall of the pictures of the Chiefs of Surgery of the Virginia Mason Hospital in Seattle last year, and there was one women in 100 years since their beginning in 1920.

     I had a conversation with a Baha'i woman in the Fall of 2008 when I was seeking a separation from my husband about the Equality of Women and Men and what it means in our lives today.  She said, "I would like to talk about this in our community...we both work 40 hour a week jobs.  But when we come home at night, I cook dinner, start the laundry and help the kids with their home work.  But he is playing on the computer."  

    I think martial difficulties are like cancer.  If you can identify (diagnosis) them early, and get therapy (treatment), you have a higher success rate of healing the marriage (curing).  If you wait too long and  ignore symptoms, by the time you get to a therapist (doctor), the difficulties have grown larger and spread to different areas of marital life (tumors grow larger and spread throughout organ systems) and the rate of curing is much lower.

     In the Baha'i Faith, in a message written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, our International governing body, states a couple in need of assistance should not hesitate to consult "professional marriage counselors, individually and together if possible, and also to take advantage of the supportive counseling which can come from wise and mature friends."  I used this passage as a prescription in my own marriage, but it my opinion by that time our difficulties were past Stage Four and our marriage was not curable.   

     Before I found this passage in Advancement of Woman, I suffered silently.  I was in Year Three of Toxic Stress when I was feeling like I was going crazy from the misery of my marriage, and I felt like I was the only one suffering.  Within a few weeks, 3 Baha'i couples told me they had used marriage counseling or were in counseling.  I was so shocked.  These couples looked perfectly happy and cooperative whenever I saw them in public.  I had never known anyone who had gone to marriage counseling.  What a blessing to know I was not alone, and every couple has their challenges.  I'm sorry to say all three of those couples are divorced today.  Divorce truly is a cancer and an epidemic in our society.  And it's not what's wrong with Leigh Anne and her husband.  It's what's wrong with our community, and all our marriages and the lack of support for marriage and family life.

     

Challenge:  So what can we do?  One: is if you are married and you can see these inequalities in your marriage, go see a counselor and ask them to help identify areas of inequality and how to build skills and systems for equality.  Go alone if you have to.  And keep asking your spouse to join you. Two: f you are a part of a community, ask the Community and it's leaders to have  discussions about the Equality of Women and Men and how to support married couples who are having difficulties.  And three: if you have a friend who is suffering from an unequal marriage talk to her, share with her your concerns and be a listening ear and encourage her to seek professional counseling and use wise and mature friends for support.

Additional reading:

A compilation on Women

http://reference.bahai.org/en/t/c/CW/

Cowboys and Indians, yesterday, today and tomorrow.

     A dear friend and soul brother asked on Facebook yesterday, "Is it ok to have love in my heart for everyone...even those who have hurt me and my people the most?"  He is Native American and he was speaking about "white people" or who I call European Americans.  He asked for our thoughts.  Racism is a complex issue.  I was really quite stunned when reading Native American literature how an author shared growing up, watching the Cowboy and Indian movies, he always cheered for the good guys, the cowboys.  How complex is that?  

     This is what I posted - My perspective: our spiritual community has focused too much on Sacred words saying to forgive instantly, and not a balanced focus on "they do not allow themselves to be objects of cruelty and transgression."  These two truths do not conflict. A simple way of putting it that helps me is - Hurt me once, shame on you.  Hurt me twice, shame on me.  Our Faith also tells us Racism is our Most Vital and Challenging issue, yet we don't invest our time and energy on healing racism within our community because the dominant  culture dominates.  That is my perspective.  Gunalcheesh/thank you for giving us the chance to discuss this issue. My heart is with you....always.

     This morning I wanted to continue to write on this topic.  It's a complex one.  Racism.  1: a belief that race is the primary determinant of human traits and capacities and the racial differences produce an inherent superiority of a particular race, Merriam-Webster dictionary app.  We need to look at the facts, humans have been anatomically humans for 200,000 years.  In the last 500 years, humankind has been becoming one global community, I mark it with the arrival of Christopher Columbus.  In 1964, the Civil Rights Act was made into law in the USA, not yet 50 years ago, which protects the right to vote, to provide legal relief against discrimination, to protect constitutional rights in public facilities and public education, etc... We have lead the world in battling Racism, South Africa ended Apartheid in the 1990's.  

     In 2013, in America Racism is alive and a cancer that handicaps our nation.  Statistics do not lie.  It is more likely for a young African American male to go to jail than to college.  Only 1 of 9,000 Native American high school students will complete a Masters degree.  The inherited prejudice and racism is still in our schools and our court systems.  If all of our citizens are not supported to be successful in school and advance to college, our whole Nation suffers and the inequities will continue.

     I laugh when I hear the argument that there is no longer a need for affirmative action.  Children applying to the University of Washington, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, University of Michigan all have equal opportunity.  I went to schools in urban areas and on the Reservation.  Now I can't tell you first hand, but I assume my education is not equal to the students whose families could afford private school tuition at $20,000 a year, from kindergartner to 12 grade.  Can I compete equally with those students?  Is there any chance in hell I would rank higher than these student in qualifications?  So does that mean, my community will not have professionals who are actually from our communities?  Because other kids are more qualified than Native students are?

     There are national issues about Racism, community based issues, and personal issues.  In my life Racism effects me everyday.  Because I live in an area where indigenous people are a minority, there are still grievances from the not too distant past between local communities, about who has Fishing Rights in the 70's just 40 years ago, who stole the beachfront property of the Tribe and sold it as vacation homes in 1937, the US government burning down the Longhouse in 1870.  When you are a person of color, you are always on your guard for acts of prejudice and racism.  Life experience teaches you to be suspicious.  

     Now I was raised with the belief that humankind is one family.  My Grandma was a supporter of healing racism.  She taught me from what Abdu'l-Baha shared, "...the various races of humankind lend a composite harmony and beauty of color to the whole.  Let all associate, therefore, in this great human garden even as flowers grow and blend together side by side without discord or disagreement between them."  She taught me her personal theory, Racism exists because we don't know each other.  So make friends with "white people".  Spend time with them.  Invite them to your home and have dinner.

     Abdu'l-Baha's grandson, Shoghi Effendi, the Guardian of the Bahai Faith, wrote in 1938, words that inspire me 70 years later - 

"Let the white make a supreme effort in their resolve to contribute their share to the solution of this problem, to abandon once for all their usually inherent and at times subconscious sense of superiority, to correct their tendency towards revealing a patronizing attitude towards the members of the other race, to persuade them through their intimate, spontaneous and informal association with them of the genuineness of their friendship and the sincerity of their intentions, and to master their impatience of any lack of responsiveness on the part of a people who have received, for so long a period, such grievous and slow-healing wounds. Let the Negroes, through a corresponding effort on their part, show by every means in their power the warmth of their response, their readiness to forget the past, and their ability to wipe out every trace of suspicion that may still linger in their hearts and minds."

     

     No one has mastered this skill.  It will take future generations to fully heal historic trauma and the cancer of Racism.  But we can do our part today.  I can do my part today.  My side of the fence is to show within my power my warmth, my readiness to forgive the past, and to strive to wipe out every trace of suspicion.  And I am true to my Grandma's wisdom some of my best friends are European American.  I try to share with them my reality, that racism and White Privilege effect me on a daily basis.  But I try to forgive the past, as long as it is not repeated.  And I will speak up when I see Racism and prejudice today.  Especially within my spiritual community.  

Challenge: think about how Racism affects you.  We all suffer from the consequences.  What is your side of the fence from the advice of Shoghi Effendi?  Can you see how it could help heal racism in your heart?  Is there a particular relationship in your life that has issues with racism?  Could you apply this knowledge to it?

The following is the rest of the paragraph of Shoghi Effendi's advice and I feel it's great additional reading.

http://reference.bahai.org/en/t/se/

Let neither think that the solution of so vast a problem is a matter that exclusively concerns the other. Let neither think that such a problem can either easily or immediately be resolved. Let neither think that they can wait confidently for the solution of this problem until the initiative has been taken, and the favorable circumstances created, by agencies that stand outside the orbit of their Faith. Let neither think that anything short of genuine love, extreme patience, true humility, consummate tact, sound initiative, mature wisdom, and deliberate, persistent, and prayerful effort, can succeed in blotting out the stain which this patent evil has left on the fair name of their common country. Let them rather believe, and be firmly convinced, 41 that on their mutual understanding, their amity, and sustained cooperation, must depend, more than on any other force or organization operating outside the circle of their Faith, the deflection of that dangerous course so greatly feared by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, and the materialization of the hopes He cherished for their joint contribution to the fulfillment of that country’s glorious destiny.

Mother's guilt, we all have it. How to get over it.

Guilt 2a) Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.  (Merriam-Webster Dictionary app)

     A friend posted on Facebook the other day a blog about Mother's guilt.  It was hilarious to read and made me chuckle because although I've felt it, mother's guilt, and helped friends work through it, I don't think I'd ever read about it.  Lisa Jo Baker says, "In theory, we all know there is no perfect mother.  In reality, however we seem to hold ourselves to a standard of motherhood that's insane."

     It's so true.  How many times have I felt bad about NOT being a better mother?  Currently I wish the girls were in extra-curricular activities, art, dance or swimming.  And I do feel inadequate about it.  Especially when my friends are posting such great pictures of their kids in soccer, basketball, football, etc...  Now please Do Not Feel Bad about posting your joy and the accomplishments of your kids, I love it.  The problem is when I judge myself.  When I feel bad about an imagined offense or feel inadequate.  

     Where do these voices in our head come from?  You "should" be....fill in the blank.  Do they come from our original families?  Do they come from watching too much Hollywood produced Fantasy life where every home is designed by an amazing interior decorator, cleaned by a full staff, and every mother is beautiful from the moment she wakes up until she lays her head on her pillow (in full make up)?  But we don't see the unimaginable cost of the interior design, we don't see the full cleaning house staff it would take to clean these mega homes, we don't see the make up artist team, or the diet and exercise team that keeps these "mothers" in perfect Hollywood standards.  

     My wise girlfriend once told me, "Leigh Anne, don't SHOULD on yourself."  I pass that wisdom along all the time.  I have been at a stage in life when it took all my energy to feed my kids, cloth them, bath them regularly and get them to school (on time is a whole other blog).  I'd pick them up from school and feed them dinner and that was the extent of my energy.  I have also lived for 8 months when I didn't have enough money to feed my kids.  I ate less so they could eat.  We drove to school and back home because I didn't have money for gas.  No movies, no activities that cost money unless my parents sent us money.  And my parents sent us money so I could feed the girls each month.  I got tired of having to ask them.

     So looking back hindsight is 20/20.  It's pretty amazing I did as well as I did.  Actually until writing this, in this moment, I never put together that my darkest time was at the same time when I couldn't afford to feed my kids.  Even then I knew I was doing the best that I could considering the circumstances.  

     I think that is the key.  To know and accept that we are doing the best that we can.  The best that we can.  And to let go of the "standard of motherhood that's insane."  Our kids have parents who love them, and do our best to provide for them.  We give them a home, hopefully a peaceful home (and if not we can work on that), we feed them, cloth them, get them to school, and teach them the lessons that are important in our life's toolbox. 

     We spend every moment of our day working in our home and in our job to give our kids the best that we can. So lets be gracious to ourselves, be considerate and thoughtful.  Not judgemental.  We are good mothers.  We are great mothers.  We are mothers.  

     I remember when my eldest child was a newborn.  And I was delirious from lack of sleep.  The night feedings.  Feeding every two hours seemed like torture (sleep deprivation is a torture practice.  Chuckles).  Then she slept during the day and I didn't realize I should be napping, too..cause she'd want to play at 3 am.  But in those moments I appreciated my mother more than I ever have in my life.  To know that she gave the same loving care to me.  And our kids will some day know what we suffered through and sacrificed for our love for them.

     And for the grandparents reading this, don't judge your parenting experience.  Don't regret that you didn't have the tools and wisdom you have today.  Because you still have children in your life,  you can support your children in their parenting and you can teach your grandchildren, your great nieces and nephews, your neighborhood kids though example and modeling and the gift of your presence in their life today.

Challenge:  Think about your childhood.  Think about how you have provided for your kids in healthier ways than you were raised.  I believe every generation progresses forward.  Write a list of three things that you believe you have done the best at.  And write out a statement that validates a job well done, the best that you could do.  And go out and treat yourself. Buy a $4 coffee.  Go buy a new released movie.  Go buy some new fishing tackle or supplies for your next craft project.  You deserve a reward for being a parent.  

(And if you are on a tight budget think of something that costs no money.  Call a friend you miss.  Go take a hot bath with soft music and candles.  Sit and read a favorite book.  Or go visit a friend.)

"I was the best parent I was capable of being.  I am the best parent I am capable of today.  Tomorrow I will be even more capable from what I learned today and yesterday."

Mom guilt by Lisa Jo Baker

http://lisajobaker.com/2013/09/mom-guilt-im-getting-over-it/

Joy! Joy is the secret to a happy, healthy & sustainable life. Or make a little time each day just for you.

     Now if you can't remember the last time you were truly joyful, then this blog is dedicated just to you!  I have been there: , too tired, too stressed out, to depressed, too stuck in hell with no idea how to get out.  You may not feel like you are in hell now, but maybe you are worried if you don't find a way to make a U-turn, you'll end up there.

     This is one of the concepts that helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel and find my way out of the misery of hell, and find my way to the land of peace and joy.

God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I cannot change (other people),

Courage to change the things I can (me and my choices),

and the wisdom to know the difference.

     It was in an Al-Anon meeting that someone shared this wisdom and it hit home like a lightening strike.  It opened my eyes.  Accept the things I cannot change, means other people??  The things I can change are me and my choices?  Wow!  It seriously stunned me.  We all have people in our life that are difficult to cooperate with: co-workers, friends, siblings, parents, neighbors, former spouses, the other parent to our kids.  No matter how much we would like them to change, to change their habits and choices that make our life difficult. There really isn't anything we can do.  Have you noticed when you do try to manipulate someone, it can come back to bite you?

     The Courage to change the things I can.  Well, at first, I didn't really know what were the things I could change.  Life had been an entangled mess.  What choices were within my rights to make alone?  And which choices did I have equal say in when making a decision affecting my family?  Now I know the things I can change are how I feel, how I react to another person throwing trash on my side of the fence, each time I make a choice and most importantly how I take care of ME.  

     If you are struggling with low/no energy, too much stress, the blues/depression, or life is miserable every day (I call that hell), joy is the secret to changing the things that you can.  Now if you are like me, when I couldn't remember what made me joyful, that is the first thing to do.  Make a list of things and activities that make you joyful.  It took me weeks!  I wrote it out in my calendar so I can look at it whenever I feel like I am in need of some joy.  My list: listening to my favorite songs, dancing to them, writing/journaling, texting/calling a friend, drinking coffee/ treating myself to a $4 coffee, watching a favorite movie/going to the movies alone, Wii Yoga, a walk in healing Mother Nature, eating a meal I didn't cook, taking photos of something beautiful.

     These things Jumpstart my heart.  Also learning how to pace myself each day.  Resting at least twice a day.  Sitting for 30 minutes to re-charge my batteries.  This is especially important if you feel tired, fatigued or are having trouble sleeping.  It's my theory that if your body is too tired, it can't sleep for the 8 hours we need.  When I couldn't sleep for more than 4 hours straight and I thought I was going to go insane, resting twice a day, by sitting for 30 minutes without getting up, helped me feel more energetic and eventually cured my insomnia.  

     Rest is essential.  But I have found it is only part of the equation to a sustainable life.  Joy re-charges your batteries in another way.  It reminds you life is good, there are moments of happiness, and when you build more and more joy in your life, you find yourself more balanced, less stressed out, able to manage the blues, and that yes, there is a path out of the misery, a path out of hell.  

      For me I start my day with joy.  I pray and mediate.  Then I write my blog.  Then I -Be Active, I dislike the term exercise.  It's actually a sore topic for me, what I call a pothole, or hot spot.  There was a time in my life when I was made to exercise.  If I didn't, the consequences were miserable, so I exercised when I didn't feel I had a choice and it was always in two activities, walking and going to the gym.  So you know what I least enjoy?  Walking and going to a gym, chuckles.  It's taken me about 4 years to take back my joy of walking.  I refused to walk or go to the gym for years, unless I WANTED to.  Not because someone else wanted me to or the ever present recording in my brain told me I should.  Well, you can imagine the consequences. I also had to find physical activities that I enjoyed, Yoga, Zumba, dancing, biking.  

     So it's about joy.  Activities and interests that make you glow.  That give you a natural high.  Make time each day for joy.  Start your day with it.  If you have kids, that means you'll have to go to bed earlier, and wake up earlier than the kids.  Try it for a few weeks, and see if it changes your life.  

     When you can, start to plan 3 hours alone,  swap with your spouse, or a girlfriend.  With travel time of 30 minutes one way, that gives you two hours of joy.  Start with buying a $4 coffee and sitting somewhere beautiful or journaling or text a friend.  Then get your nails done $25.  Or get a $25 massage at any of those drop in massage places.  Next get an hour long massage $65 dollars in some places.  Make plans to eat lunch with a friend.  Go see a movie.  Go play a game of pick up basketball.  Go to the library or the museum.  

     Next is take a night off, spend the night at a friends house.  Treat yourself near your birthday to a night in a hotel.  Take a day trip.  After that plan a weekend away.  It may take months, it may take a year before you get there, to take a weekend away alone without your partner or kids.  But if you don't have a goal, you will never make your dreams come true.

Challenge:  make a goal for where you need joy to be in your life.  Do you need to start with a little joy each day?  Do you need an afternoon off?  A Day away.  A weekend?  A week?  

A Pace of Grace 

By Linda Kavelin Popov

In iBooks and at amazon

     

     

Joy! Joy is the secret to a happy, healthy & sustainable life. Or make a little time each day just for you.

     Now if you can't remember the last time you were truly joyful, then this blog is dedicated just to you!  I have been there: , too tired, too stressed out, to depressed, too stuck in hell with no idea how to get out.  You may not feel like you are in hell now, but maybe you are worried if you don't find a way to make a U-turn, you'll end up there.

     This is one of the concepts that helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel and find my way out of the misery of hell, and find my way to the land of peace and joy.

God grant me the serenity 

To accept the things I cannot change (other people),

Courage to change the things I can (me and my choices),

and the wisdom to know the difference.

     It was in an Al-Anon meeting that someone shared this wisdom and it hit home like a lightening strike.  It opened my eyes.  Accept the things I cannot change, means other people??  The things I can change are me and my choices?  Wow!  It seriously stunned me.  We all have people in our life that are difficult to cooperate with: co-workers, friends, siblings, parents, neighbors, former spouses, the other parent to our kids.  No matter how much we would like them to change, to change their habits and choices that make our life difficult. There really isn't anything we can do.  Have you noticed when you do try to manipulate someone, it can come back to bite you?

     The Courage to change the things I can.  Well, at first, I didn't really know what were the things I could change.  Life had been an entangled mess.  What choices were within my rights to make alone?  And which choices did I have equal say in when making a decision affecting my family?  Now I know the things I can change are how I feel, how I react to another person throwing trash on my side of the fence, each time I make a choice and most importantly how I take care of ME.  

     If you are struggling with low/no energy, too much stress, the blues/depression, or life is miserable every day (I call that hell), joy is the secret to changing the things that you can.  Now if you are like me, when I couldn't remember what made me joyful, that is the first thing to do.  Make a list of things and activities that make you joyful.  It took me weeks!  I wrote it out in my calendar so I can look at it whenever I feel like I am in need of some joy.  My list: listening to my favorite songs, dancing to them, writing/journaling, texting/calling a friend, drinking coffee/ treating myself to a $4 coffee, watching a favorite movie/going to the movies alone, Wii Yoga, a walk in healing Mother Nature, eating a meal I didn't cook, taking photos of something beautiful.

     These things Jumpstart my heart.  Also learning how to pace myself each day.  Resting at least twice a day.  Sitting for 30 minutes to re-charge my batteries.  This is especially important if you feel tired, fatigued or are having trouble sleeping.  It's my theory that if your body is too tired, it can't sleep for the 8 hours we need.  When I couldn't sleep for more than 4 hours straight and I thought I was going to go insane, resting twice a day, by sitting for 30 minutes without getting up, helped me feel more energetic and eventually cured my insomnia.  

     Rest is essential.  But I have found it is only part of the equation to a sustainable life.  Joy re-charges your batteries in another way.  It reminds you life is good, there are moments of happiness, and when you build more and more joy in your life, you find yourself more balanced, less stressed out, able to manage the blues, and that yes, there is a path out of the misery, a path out of hell.  

      For me I start my day with joy.  I pray and mediate.  Then I write my blog.  Then I -Be Active, I dislike the term exercise.  It's actually a sore topic for me, what I call a pothole, or hot spot.  There was a time in my life when I was made to exercise.  If I didn't, the consequences were miserable, so I exercised when I didn't feel I had a choice and it was always in two activities, walking and going to the gym.  So you know what I least enjoy?  Walking and going to a gym, chuckles.  It's taken me about 4 years to take back my joy of walking.  I refused to walk or go to the gym for years, unless I WANTED to.  Not because someone else wanted me to or the ever present recording in my brain told me I should.  Well, you can imagine the consequences. I also had to find physical activities that I enjoyed, Yoga, Zumba, dancing, biking.  

     So it's about joy.  Activities and interests that make you glow.  That give you a natural high.  Make time each day for joy.  Start your day with it.  If you have kids, that means you'll have to go to bed earlier, and wake up earlier than the kids.  Try it for a few weeks, and see if it changes your life.  

     When you can, start to plan 3 hours alone,  swap with your spouse, or a girlfriend.  With travel time of 30 minutes one way, that gives you two hours of joy.  Start with buying a $4 coffee and sitting somewhere beautiful or journaling or text a friend.  Then get your nails done $25.  Or get a $25 massage at any of those drop in massage places.  Next get an hour long massage $65 dollars in some places.  Make plans to eat lunch with a friend.  Go see a movie.  Go play a game of pick up basketball.  Go to the library or the museum.  

     Next is take a night off, spend the night at a friends house.  Treat yourself near your birthday to a night in a hotel.  Take a day trip.  After that plan a weekend away.  It may take months, it may take a year before you get there, to take a weekend away alone without your partner or kids.  But if you don't have a goal, you will never make your dreams come true.

Challenge:  make a goal for where you need joy to be in your life.  Do you need to start with a little joy each day?  Do you need an afternoon off?  A Day away.  A weekend?  A week?  

A Pace of Grace 

By Linda Kavelin Popov

In iBooks and at amazon

     

     

Arguments, what tools are in your toolbox? Or when to walk out the door is the best tool you've got.

     I don't know about you. But I did not know what in the heck to do when my husband and I argued.  I'd say we managed life pretty well until the stress overload unbalanced our life.  For me it was his medical training, meaning his absence,  and my being a stay at home mom for that time, which lasted 8 years.  For you, it maybe the birth of a child, a lost job, underemployment, a medical issue, a death in the family, the family disease of alcoholism and addictions.

     Year 4 of Toxic Stress I read a book called All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage by John W. Jacobs.  It gave a great example of an argument and how to change the dynamics.  He explained the two of us were each tuning forks. And when we argued, the vibrations bounced off each other and the argument continued.  I was pretty miserable at this stage, the disagreement and arguments were escalating.  I was feeling so frustrated and unheard.  Cussing was being used, something I grew up without.  And I was starting to throw things.  Again not from my family of origin.

     So the book said if one tuning fork calms itself and becomes still, the other tuning fork will become calmer and more still, without the added vibrations from the other tuning fork.  I hope that makes sense. Because that lesson changed my life.  I think we would have gone down a dark and destructive path without me learning this skill.  It changed our disagreements.  Because I was determined to be calm, we no longer went nuclear on each other.  Now it didn't stop the argument, it didn't make me feel heard, but we had less intense and damaging arguments. And in the end, I finally got tired of ALWAYS being the calm tuning fork.  (One reason for divorce, 5 years later)

     But I share this lesson with girlfriends all the time.  It really is a great skill.  And if your partner were able to take turns being the calm tuning fork, I could see it being a tool to save a marriage.

     So I used counseling on and off.  He refused to go for years, until one incident scared me and I refused to return home until he finally agreed to counseling.  This was Toxic Stress Year 7.  We used marriage counseling when we could (remember medical training and 80 hour work weeks, 30 hour on-calls shifts when it wasn't guaranteed he'd sleep). That meant I took care of 2 kids, almost all by myself.  Also for a majority of those 8 years I had the honor of taking care of two awesome kids, one at a time.  One little boy my eldest daughters age for a couple years.  Followed by one little girl, a year younger than my youngest daughters age.  The income that brought in put food on our table.  Counseling was my saving grace. So I highly recommend it.  And if you are a Baha'i, the Universal House of Justice advises couples when experiencing marital difficulties to use counseling, individually and together if possible, and wise and mature friends.

     The tool that inspired me to write today is my -when to take a break tool.  This one I came up with all on my own.  So even with my calming tuning fork skill, there would be times when my husband would follow me when I left a room to get some space.  So if you are lucky, you may be able to take a break from an argument in your home.  Just tell your partner, you need a break to calm down and request to discuss the disagreement after you are both calm.  If you know about anger, you have realized you can't hear what someone is telling you once you are angry.  So it's best just to table the argument and try again later.

     If your partner can't honor your request for space and leave you alone in your own home, the next tool you need is -walk out the door.  I started to use this when I no longer tolerated being called a nasty word or being cussed at.  If he was not working, I left him with the kids.  And if he had to go to work, I took the kids with me.  This tool was very empowering.  It was a reaction to being treated in a way I didn't agree with and gave me an action that was healthy.  I didn't need to cuss back at him, or argue with someone who could not hear my side of the issue cause he was too angry.

     Just a break from the house.  An hour to the library.  A trip to a playground. A treat and a coffee.  Picking up sandwiches for dinner.  All these gave us both time to calm down.  And it stopped an argument from escalating worse.  

     It sounds simple.  But I have found many married friends who can't use this tool.  They aren't "allowed" to leave an argument. And the first times you use this tool may start an argument all on its own.  But it's a great tool to have in our toolbox of skills of how to have a healthy argument.  And if you have a very flexible spouse, they may take turns with you, who gets to leave the house.  It is a skill both of you need, to say - hey we are both angry.  Too angry to hear each other. Let's take a break. And try to figure this out later, when we are calm again.  

Challenge: can you think about what topics are hot spots for you and your spouse?  What do you always argue over, again and again?  Can you write a list? A messy house? Who spent what money in a way they disagree with?  That neither of you get time alone or a date night off from the kids?  Can you see how your arguments escalate?  When do you think you could use being a calm tuning fork? And when do you need the tool - to walk out the door?  Good luck!