A bruise on the heart

     When you hear the words domestic violence what do you picture?  A woman wearing sunglasses to cover a black eye.  A woman in the hospital who was severely beaten by a partner?  The alcoholic or addict father who comes home and terrorizes the whole family? It was stunning to learn from a woman who had been physically abused, broken bones and all, share that emotional abuse was worse.  Worse,  you say?  How is that possible?  She said her bones healed relatively quickly. But not her heart or her mind.  Healing from emotional abuse is a long journey.

     Another friend shared what she learned about emotional abuse, it's not a bruise on the arm, it's a bruise on the heart.  A bruise on the heart.  What an amazing way to describe an injury to our emotions.  Have you ever been in a verbal altercation and afterwards felt as if someone had punched you in the stomach?  No one had touched you physically.  But you felt so shaken up and so beat up, it took quite a bit of time to recover.

     When speaking to a man who worked at an Abuser's program,  he said society has it backwards, we think physical abuse is the worst part of domestic violence, but really it's emotional abuse.  This concept has been found by studies learning from women who were physically abused.  Is it a hard to grasp this concept?  Give it plenty of time to settle in.  

     What do you do if you believe you or someone you know is being emotionally abused?  I would say pray first to find some to talk to about it.  Many women who are abused isolate themselves and can't bear to share the reality of what they live with.  They may not even realize what is emotional abuse.  The Hotline, a national domestic violence hotline, is 1-800-779-7233, or 1-800-799-SAFE.  Look for a local women's shelter to find resources close to you.

    This is one definition I find helpful.

     "Emotional and verbal abuse, which is a repetitive pattern of using words as weapons to denigrate the abused party’s sense of self worth, such as name-calling, belittling and sarcastic comments that continually "beat down" self-esteem. It may also include humiliating, rejecting, or ignoring the abused party in private or in public.

• For children, this may occur in a repeated pattern of caregiver behavior or extreme incidents that convey to children that they are worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, or only of value in meeting another's needs.

• For adults, this may be a relationship where the offender continuously degrades or belittles the abused or accuses them of being stupid, unattractive, a bad parent, unfaithful or any other similar fault and can be considered an indicator of domestic violence or the potential for domestic violence."

From the Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence p.7,

http://www.bahai.us/social-action/advancement-of-women/addressing-domestic-violence/

Also an amazing book to help understand domestic violence and support women who are being emotionally abused is Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.  On iBooks and at Amazon.

If you can recognize a friend being emotionally abused, talk to her about it.  Gently help her to see the behaviors that are bruises on her heart.  She may be so overwhelmed she may not even see it.  Tell her not to be ashamed, it's not her fault.  There is help out there.  She is not alone.  

Life living with abuse is hard and unhealthy.  Life recovering from abuse is hard but healing.

For Ruby & Klara

I have a busy morning this morning.  So I didn't have time to write. So I am sharing a poem that came to me earlier this summer.  

Two Grandmothers

This morning in dark skies

I can hear two Angels giggling

Two Ancient Handmaids

Women, mothers, wives,

Grandmothers, Great-grandmothers

Their hearts are happy

Their hearts are joyful

Their hearts are full of laughter

Our People had our homeland stolen, 

the Ancient food prohibited, 

our precious children kidnapped and sent to far away foreign schools. 

But today our children are sheltered, 

our children are protected

Our children are loved and cherished 

Our children are leaders

our children are brilliant stars,

Guided & protected 

They will guide our People 

To safety, to the secure refuge of the love of the Creator

The Eternal Faith... 

Always been here. 

Always will be. 

I vote EVERY DAY with my dollar

So on FaceBook through the Occupy Wall Street page, I saw that 30 cities will strike against Fast Food tomorrow 8-29-2013 because of low wages.  I will be avoiding fast food that day.   I invite you to join me  and to share with your friends.

Why you ask?  Because of the concept that we vote with every dollar we spend.  When we choose to spend our $5 in a drive thru we are voting that we agree with what kind of food they serve and how they pay and treat their workers.  In the movie Food Inc. a low income family is shown feeding the family through a drive thru because it is cheap and easy, but the father is suffering from health issues.  So for now I avoid fast food in general (though not 100%) because I don't believe in the quality of food they serve or the low wages of workers.  And when I choose to go through a drive thru I choose Wendy's because they offer natural lemonade sweetened with sugar, not high fructose corn syrup.  

Low wage earners subsidize our lifestyle.  That's a concept I learned in a book, Nickle and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America by Barbara Ehrenreich.  When we buy something at Walmart or buy a meal from fast food, it is the workers who make it so cheap because they do not get paid fairly.  After reading that book several years ago, I made a point to avoid Walmart as much as possible.  It was easier then because I had options close by.  Today when I want to avoid Walmart 10 minutes away from my home, I have to drive 20.  And Walmart can woo you in with their significantly lower prices, but I can see the longer term investment of voting with my dollar.  Do I support their low wages? No.  So I spend my money elsewhere where the same item costs more.

Many people do not have the choice.  Including minimum wage earners.  But I have been lucky enough to have the choice.  If it means I have less money at the end of the month, I'm ok with that.  Or if I have to give up something I want cause it won't fit in my budget, I'm ok with that.  Maybe I will buy  fewer of my favorite $4 coffees, chuckles.

To avoid Fast Food, I have to plan ahead.  Keeping snack food and water in the car.  Knowing where not so fast options are and be willing to buy more expensive food.  

On 8-29-2013 we have a chance to work together to show Fast Food we do care about fair wages, when we all come together and make our voice heard in Unity, it's a louder statement than my in general avoidance of Fast Food.  What if just 10% of us who buy Fast Food regularly, don't on 8-29-2013, do you think the corporations will notice?  I think so, computers track everything these days.  What if the 99% could boycott Fast Food for one day?

Motherhood... AKA years of sleep deprivation

This morning as many subjects swirl around my head, I have chosen motherhood to write about today.  It definitely is one of my passions.  

My girls are fast asleep in their room, after arriving late last night from spending the summer with their father, step mom and half sister.  I am so joyful that they are home!  The joy just keeps bubbling up, I can't hold it in.

I feel so blessed and honored to be their mother and to shelter and educate two such precious human souls.

12 years ago when I held my newborn daughter in my arms, I knew a level of unconditional love I had never imagined possible.  There was not a thing in the world I would not do nor give up to protect my daughter.  Soon I learned being a mother was the most difficult job I'd ever had, but at the same time the most rewarding.

I am privileged that I was able to choose to stay at home with my daughter and not work outside the home.  It took a lot of sacrifice, but it was, I believed, the best investment I could make.  By raising a healthy and happy child, I would be contributing to a healthier and happier world.

I respect and honor all mothers' choices.  Many do not have the choice to stay home, it is just not financially possible.  And I have the highest regard for women who are mothers and work outside the home and entrust their precious kids to another's care.  

For me,  the joys of being a stay at home mother, being with the kids each day, teaching them to use sign language and the many skills that were age appropriate, nurturing their friendships and finding fellowship for myself sometimes was over powered by the challenges of being a stay at home mom.  Being isolated from adults & adult conversation, never getting to leave my place of work (I lived there!), not getting adequate sleep or time alone.  There were unique stress factors of having a spouse in medical training for 8 years.

Currently the challenge is having to balance having primary custody with the consequences of the investment in their father's education while sacrificing mine to support him and raise our children.  But when I prayed about whether or not to go forward with a divorce, I knew it was the healthiest choice.  That if we could not provide a peaceful and healthy home together as a model for our daughters, who will recreate it in their own families, then I would have to create one on my own.  By choosing Peace in my home, I knew God would provide for us.  Because if we can't have peace in our hearts and our home, how can we ever hope to have a World Peace?

And that is my duty as a mother to choose and model peace....

Tired... or lazy? Let's talk....

This morning as I consider what to write about I'm feeling tired.  So I decided I should write about that, being tired.  Chuckles.  It doesn't seem like that interesting a topic but when you think about it, it is an important tool, to know how to gauge when we are tired and what to do about it.

Recently in a online chat with a friend on the other side of the country, she said,"I'm not felling well."  Followed by, "The house is a mess and I have no motivation to clean it."  I asked her if she saw the connection between the two statements, chuckling.  

My suggestion was to rest.  To recharge her battery. Then later when she had more energy she could do some housework.  The pile of dirty dishes wasn't going anywhere.  If she tried to do it while tired, it wouldn't be done properly and she would feel worse.  But if you rest when you are sick or are tired, when you feel better and have more energy, you work more efficiently.  

I have heard many friends say, "I'm tired." Or "I'm lazy.  I don't want to do anything."  Why do we feel like we always have to be doing something?  Why do we not understand when we are tired or sick, it's ok to rest and NOT do anything?  Why is resting translated into being lazy?  None of these friends are lazy.  In reality they probably do TOO much.  Many have children, husbands and jobs outside the home. 

So recently I have started to call resting, recharging my battery.  This helps me understand, sitting for 20 minutes, reading, or watching tv is actually an action of restoring my energy level.  Just like our car won't run without gas, our bodies and mind need to have energy renewed, not only drained.  We charge our phones on and off all day long.  Well, our body and mind is the same way.

Even when we are not sick or running on empty, resting regularly can improve our energy level.  I learned in a book that resting  twice a day for at least 20 minutes a day can increase energy levels.  At the time my youngest child was about 4 years old.  Sitting for a straight 20 minutes was actually difficult.  I had to set a timer and find something to do, like read or watch tv, so I wouldn't think of all the stuff I could be doing.  Also I had to train the 4 year old that I was sitting until the timer went off.  And not to interrupt my Quiet Time unless it was urgent, like she needed help going to the bathroom.

Three years later my kids know when I say I'm going to my room for Quiet Time they don't interrupt unless it's urgent.  In the beginning I also tried to schedule rest 4 hours after starting my day.  Now I can just gauge when I am tired and go take a break.  When I am sick or completely drained, I can allow myself to watch tv all day, and let the dishes stack up and NOT feel guilty.  Cause I know I am really doing something important, resting and recharging my battery.

Challenge: if you don't already make time in your day for rest or recharging your battery, give it a try for a week.  Set a timer for 20 minutes and sit. Read or watch tv.  Do some thing quiet. If you work outside the home, eat lunch in your car or sit someplace beautiful.   Increase to two resting breaks if you want.  

If you are suffering from fatigue or depression, leave a comment and I'll write about what can help those, too.

"You should write a book..."

82.  O My Servant!

The best of men are they that earn a livelihood by their calling and spend upon themselves and their kindred for the love of God, The Lord of all worlds.

Yesterday, while counseling a dear friend through a life storm, she said, "You should write a book."  So today I am starting a blog.  For those of you who know me,  I LOVE to write.  So I consider that to be one of my callings.  Not too long ago, I was in a devastating life storm and really could not see my way out of the darkness.  I read an article in a magazine that said when thinking about a job or career you should think about what you are doing when you are happy.

Sadly, my life had been so full of toxic stress for so long, I seriously could not remember what activities truly made me happy.  At the time I was a stay at home Mom and had been for 8 years, my spouse at the time was largely absent due to his education and raising our children and running the household was my responsibility.  I couldn't think of what made me happy.  I knew I had a passion for roller coasters, but I didn't see myself working in that field.  

Weeks later, one morning waking up, I thought I love museums!  I love looking at art.  Classic paintings.  Contemporary art.  Ancient art.  I could spend hours and hours lost in a museum.  Well, I haven't worked in a museum yet.  But I was so thrilled to discover one of my passions.  One that didn't have to do with raising my girls or running a household.  And ever since that day, I honor my love of art and museums.  

I chose to be a stay at home Mom. And I do love it. I understand it is a privilege and a sacrifice.  But at some point I had really lost myself.  I supported and cared for my husband. I was the primary care giver of our children. After that, I had no energy or time for taking care of me.  Slowly I have learned to take care of my family to the best of my ability, I have to make taking care of my needs a priority.  When I am rested, rejuvenated and inspired by the beauty of life, I am a better mother and woman.  

So I challenge you to write down your callings, your passions.  And make a commitment to giving yourself a little time each day for one of them.  Carve out 30 minutes just for you.  And if that's too hard start with 15.