Grief. Waves that come and surround you. Then recede. And come again.

     Grief is a complex experience.  It can come as a shock, like a tsunami hitting, or slowly as flood waters slowly rise until the house is surrounded and you are stuck.  My past experience with grief were two major events, my divorce after 15 years of marriage and the loss of an Uncle, our beloved Grandmother and Matriarch, an Aunt and Uncle within a span of 8 months.  

     That is when I learned that grief comes in waves.  It comes and embraces you, fills you with sadness and then passes.  You get on with life learning to adjust to the loss.  Then the wave comes crashing in again, embracing you, filling you with sadness and then receding.  For me it took a while to recognize the pattern.  Then once I understood grief comes and goes, it was easier to navigate.  

     The loss of loved ones varies.  Losing an elder, you know the end of the life cycle is approaching.  And you can prepare for their death.  But when they pass away, the dark reality of loss can be overwhelming.  The pillar who had been a significant presence in our life, our whole life, is now gone?  Now times that by 4.  Losing all four was like  four 8.0 earthquakes and their tsunamis hitting our family before we barely recovered from the last passing.  October, December, January, and June.  Four of the pillars of my life no longer present.  The losing of someone too young before  when the end of life cycle should be, and the younger they are, the more painful the loss.  

     Our families believe their is existence that follows death on this planet.  So there is a comfort there.  I especially felt my Grandmother's shining beacon after she passed away.  She seemed to have a specific agenda and I saw it clearly manifested in my life.  During my own life storms I find strength knowing I have a grandmother, two uncles and an aunt looking after me, my own guardian angels.

     The divorce was a different kind of grief.  It was more like a flood that had slowly risen and all of a sudden my home was completely underwater and I was left floating waiting for rescue.  The grief swallowed me whole.  And it took ages to process it and to finally recognize it as grief for the loss of a future I had dreamed of.  I had dreamt of  raising our children together, travel, service to humankind, to our beloved Faith, and of enjoying the financial security for our family from the  investment in his education.  Also to let go of the romantic love I felt for him when it was no longer returned.  

     There is one theory of stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and says "that when a person is faced with the reality of impending death or other extreme, awful fate he or she will experience a series of emotional stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance."  Denial - I'm fine.  Anger - why me?  Bargaining- I'll do anything for... Depression - why bother? Acceptance - It's going to be ok.

     My acceptance for the loss of loved ones was tied to Faith in Divine timing.  That the Creator and Universe have a Divine timing for when a person's life cycle ends.  And it's easier to bear when I believe that although I cannot see them, but they are with me, can hear me, and can influence my life in positive ways.  When my Grandmother died I went immediately after her funeral to a conference across the country.  But in the hotel lobby an old family friend greeted me and acknowledged my loss and said - I pray every day for Ruby, because I know she prays for me.  I was far from home, but I was sent a dear friend to comfort me.

     My acceptance of my divorce and the reality that eventually became the absence of my daughters father in their lives took longer. I was so attached to that future of a dream together.  And I did not want to parent alone.  But I knew the Creator is the Ultimate Protector.  He would shield and shelter us when the man who used to be my husband and would forever be the girls father was no longer present to do the job. 

    A friend shared when people leave your life God sends us new people.  And it's true.  When I needed someone to watch the girls so I could go to my college class it was my best friend's husband who stepped up.  When we needed money to eat, it was my Step Dad who sent money.  When the 4 year old needed asthma medication picked up and it was 20 degrees outside, a family friend was happy to do it.  I stopped looking for what my girls needed from a person who was not interested in being present. I was surrounded by people who loved and cherished these amazing girls, and were committed to the work that it takes to raise a child.  Who helped with love and compassion.  What a gift to learn to stop asking someone who wasn't interested.  My grief turned into acceptance.  And my  loss was replaced with gratitude.

     Challenge:  are you struggling with grief?  A loss old or new?  Can you see where in theses 5 stages you are stuck? Or are you completely overwhelmed when a reoccurring wave of grief hits out of the blue?  I call some grief chronic grief. Because you will always carry it. It will be there like an old scar that always reminds you of a past injury.  I suggest writing a letter and not sending it, writing in a journey or talking to a friend. 

Here is a link to Kubler-Ross theory.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

O SON OF THE SUPREME! I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to shed on thee its splendor. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom?

From Baha'i Writings