Dear friend,
I loved seeing a Super Bowl winning quarterback with a video supporting the end of domestic violence and calling out his friends to Pass the Peace. To one day see the end of domestic violence, we all need to be talking about how we each Pass the Peace, how we each support our women friends to get help and how we hold our male friends accountable for their behavior.
What do you think about domestic violence?
Do you think about women with black eyes? The horror stories of women killed by their partners, their husbands, their ex-partners? Do you think it's your neighbor? Your co-worker? Your friend?
Yes. What about our friends? What about our friends at Feast? Can you recognize the less extreme and non-criminal aspects of domestic violence that are violations of Baha'i standards of conduct? Can you help a friend recognize emotional and verbal abuse? Economic abuse? Can we help our friends overcome and prevent all forms of domestic violence? Can we encourage them to call a domestic violence hotline? To attend a a domestic violence support group?
How do we do that if we never talk about domestic violence?
How do we do this if we don't talk to each other about the dark parts of our lives?
"Emotional and verbal abuse, which is a repetitive pattern of behavior denigrating the abused party's sense of self worth, such as name calling, belittling and sarcastic comments that continue to "beat down" self esteem. It may also include humiliating, rejecting, or ignoring the abused party in private or public." - Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence, National Spiritual Assembly of the United States, p. 8
Many of us would NEVER mention if we were experiencing emotional and verbal abuse. I know I didn't. I was ashamed. I couldn't tell my family and friends for years. I kept it hidden and suffered in silence. When my former husband asked me not to tell anyone, I didn't. It took about 7 years until I finally found myself in counseling and was able to tell another human being about the controlling and humiliating patterns I was being exposed to over and over again. Much later, about 5 years later, the best resource I found was a domestic violence support group. I realized I was not alone, many other women suffered in very similar ways as I had.
As I learned about Domestic Violence and it's less extreme and non-criminal aspects, I began to understand I didn't have to live suffering in silence. I eventually was divorced after 15 years of marriage and I began my journey of healing. I continue to share my story so that others can learn to recognize domestic violence in their lives and make healthy choices, or they can recognize it in their sisters lives or their friends lives and be an advocate for healing and peace.
It was my sister who encouraged me to call a domestic violence hotline for the first time after an incidence of physical abuse and I began my journey of finding my way out of the misery of hell. It took 2 years from that night. I was separated. We had a Baha'i Year of Waiting (a practice to work on reconciliation before divorce) and then worked on a divorce. I no longer lived with him. But the controlling patterns were still there, I just learned how to build stronger and stronger boundaries. And my home was a refuge. So when he was abusive, I had a safe place to retreat to.
"In contrast to obvious and extreme forms of domestic violence, the less extreme and non-criminal aspects of domestic violence present the challenge that they may not even be recognized as abusive. Yet they also are violations of Bahá'í standards of conduct, and they affect a broad segment of the population. Overcoming and preventing all forms of domestic violence requires that local Bahá’í communities foster a spirit and active pattern of loving support for families and emphasize both personal and family development in on-going education programs for children, youth and adults." - Summary policy statement on Domestic Violence of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'is of the United States
