Cranky elves & teaching children about Christ in Christmas

     Two things got me thinking about the Spirit of Christmas.  The first was yesterday I finally made it out to Barnes and Noble to pick up my new calendars.  When I arrived at the mall parking lot I had forgot how crowded the parking lots get during the gift buying season.  I made it into the store and through the line without any incident.  It was in the car leaving the parking lot that I ran into the Cranky Elf.  Chuckles. Yes, the traffic was bad.  As I was trying to turn out of my row I knew it was going to be tricky.  The first car passed me, the second car coming was leaving no room and so I decided to inch out and squeeze in.  When I pulled out she gave me the "what the hell do you think you are doing" gesture.  I smiled and waved back. 

     I have witnessed this ungenerous and negative behavior before during the gift buying season with packed parking lots, crowded stores and the longest lines ever.  And it makes me wonder what Christmas does to some people.  Are we so stressed out about buying our loved one tokens of our love for them that we forget why we are buying gifts?  To celebrate the Life and Teachings of Christ.

     I am sure I am preaching to the choir and you don't make these conflicting choices not to be kind and let some in your lane or grumble with stressed out customer service.  But maybe we can think about being extra kind and think of ways to balance out the Cranky Elves.

     Now the second thing that made me think about the Spirit of Christmas was a friend who said her 7 year old daughter was excited about Christmas and getting presents, but she had forgot that Jesus was the reason for Christmas.  I think many families have this issue.  Our world is decorated with snowflakes, Santa and snowmen.  But far and few between are the reminders we are celebrating the birth of Jesus.   

     Coming from a Baha'i family, growing up my family did not exchange gifts on Christmas.  I heard many people while I was growing up say "we don't celebrate Christmas."  As an adult and because of my love of the Life and Teachings of Jesus, I try to say instead, we don't exchange gifts.  Because I am happy to celebrate the birth of Jesus.  His birth was a long awaited event.  His life taught humankind spiritual practices that moved us forward in our human evolution.  His sermon on the mount always makes me wish everyone on earth could decide to attempt to follow his guidance, because the world would be heaven on earth if we did.

     When my first child was old enough to speak we had to discuss Christmas and Santa.  I bought a board book about the birth of Jesus, telling the story of the Angel coming to Mary to tell her she was with child.  The journey to Bethlehem on a donkey.  And giving birth in a stable!  The guiding star and the three wise men bearing gifts.  These gifts of love and adoration.  That's why I gave my daughters a gift from Santa each year.  To celebrate the birth of Jesus, to honor His life, His death and His teachings that inspire us to be the best we can be.

     Both girls were about kindergarten age when they asked if Santa was real.  I asked them if they wanted to know the truth.  They said yes.  It was a hard discovery to find out Santa was not what they believed him to be, a magical person sending gifts to all children on earth, but their mama.  

    This year I will  be giving them their Santa gifts early as they are with their father, step mother and sister on Christmas.  I had debated whether or not to continue my Santa tradition with them now that they get Christmas presents from their father and step mother and step family.  But the Santa gift is my tradition of celebrating the gifts Jesus gave to the world.  And I think I have to look for another book on the Birth of Jesus, it must have got lost in our move!

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.  Luke 2:13-14

At the end of your rope? Start climbing back up....

Dear friend,

     When you find yourself in hell, keep going....

     If you feel like you'd like life to be over, that you'd like a get out of jail free card, or an Advance to Go and collect $200 straight to heaven, you are living in hell or as Al-Anon and AA calls it, Insanity.  In my experience Insanity comes from having to live with people who are broken, who are deeply handicapped by the long term effects of the family disease of alcoholism and addiction, the spiritual ills our Beloved Faith says inflict humankind, and they live in denial that they are sick.

     In Al-Anon I have found that I have the right to build boundaries, to limit contact, to put down the rope of death by emotional tug of war.  I had to walk away from people I loved and cared for for most of my adult life.  I have had to let go of them and let God have them.  I cannot have them in my life because the way they treat me is toxic, poisonous and slowly kills my spirit.  Some people we cannot totally exile from our lives because we share blood or children, but there are ways to build safe and strong fences so they longer cause our life to be Insane.  

     The Creator and the whole immense Universe desires for you to be happy, healthy and sane!  As you leave insanity behind you, the tools to build serenity, peace and contentment come.  People, books and movies are some of the ways the Creator sends help.  Thank the heavens for cell phones and texting.  

     You have survived so much.  More than even I am aware of.  Yet your strength to be victorious over your hardships always astounds me.  You are a fighter.  You won't be knocked down, or knocked out.  You will go every round.  

     When the darkest nights come, find a safe place, give your self space and a break until the eye of the storm passes, as it always does.  Have Faith that the sun will shine on your heart again.  

     When I said the Long Obligatory Prayer on your behalf, my Grandma Ruby came to mind.  Only recently did I learn she too had a time in life when she was ready to leave this world.  In her 50's kind and loving friends came to her aid and helped her see her way out.  She found her Beloved and gave everyday to service.  She served humankind and the Creator so the world would be a healthier, happier and more sane world.  My life is her legacy.  Who knows what my path would have been without her courage to swim upstream towards a small Faith that almost no one knows about?  

     I believe the Creator sends us to walk through darkness because of our gift of strength. Once we figure a way out of hell, we help guide others out, too.  You will guide many.  You have held my hand during my times of pain and sorrow, of the darkest stretches of hell, that few are able to recognize and your validation of the Insanity in my life helped me see my way out.  I would not be where I am today without your strength, your refusal to buy into the BS of denial, and the model that we don't give up, we fight for justice and truth.  I live in peace today, not Insanity.  Yes, insanity still tries to come visit but I have a strong fence, close the gate and send it on its way!

     Keep your eyes open for the gifts and tools the Creator sends you.  If we aren't aware, we can totally miss them!

O My Servant!

Thou art even as a finely tempered sword concealed in the darkness of its sheath and it's value hidden from the artificer's knowledge.  Wherefore come forth from the sheath of self and desire that thy worth may be made resplendent and manifest unto all the world.

PS as I write the title to this, I am reminded of a story in the Priceless Pearl, Ruhiyyih Khanum shares a story of darkness, when she feels she is at the end of her rope and can't take the suffering anymore,  she realizes if she is at the end of her hope, she needs to pull herself back up.  If she can hit bottom, and overcome hardship.  Let's follow her lead.

A period of silence to honor grief, to mourn the loss.

     Grief is like the tide, it comes in and surrounds you then recedes. And later it returns again.  Losing my Step Dad was compounded with the additional stress of an injured, non-walking child and a child with emotional post trauma effects.  So life was quite overwhelming for a while there.  It took time for both girls to recover. As they recovered, grief could be processed more.  I had been in complete survival mode.  No emotions were being expressed.  Only after things settled down, did grief come.  

     It's odd how we take for granted someone's presence in our life. And when they are gone, you understand much, much more exactly how they contributed to your life.  After growing up very poor, Ernie has been our family's provider for 18 years.  We may have been adults but he helped us go to college, he helped feed our families when times were tough, he and Mom sent many gifts to the grandkids that made life joyful.  Birthdays were alway a time to look forward to because our parens were always so generous.

     Ernie and Mom also modeled to us what a happy and healthy marriage looks like.  A team effort.  Partners who support each other through joy and sorrow.  It has always amazed me to see how Ernie and Mom's personal strengths complemented each other.  Ernie's strengths matched Mom's weaknesses.  And Mom's strengths matched Ernie's.  

     One memory stands out for me.  The girls and I were refugees from Ann Arbor, Michigan in their home in Juneau, Alaska in the Fall of 2008.  I had to leave my home to ask for a separation from my husband because his anger was escalating and had crossed into physical violence.  It took 6 weeks working with the local Baha'i community and his family to get an agreement to separate.  One day my Mom reported that she and Ernie had had an argument.  So they had called while he was at work, said a prayer and discussed the issues and come to an agreement.  What no yelling? No cussing?  No silent treatment?  A respectful and peaceful way to settle a disagreement. It was a strong confirmation that my life had truly become unhealthy and now with Al-Anon in my life I call it that time of my life the Insanity.  I knew I couldn't live like that anymore. 

     We have many, many reasons to be grateful for Ernie's presence in our lives. His love, integrity and generosity will be a model for us for the rest of our lives.  His grandkids are all more secure and happy because he was a strong man.  Strong enough to love with praise and encouragement, not anger or aggression.  He was the man of the house who cherished and honored his wife and his daughters.  He was strong enough to let us be who we were and not criticize us.  He provided food for my girls when their father would not.  

     The loss is easier to bear. My heart does not ache every morning when he is not here to share my coffee.  I have been accepting that he is here with us in a different way. He is here protecting us and encouraging us in a different way.  The circle of life.  We were blessed to have Ernie for a father for 18 years. It does break my heart that we lost him so young. The kids will miss him as they grow up, study, and have their own families.  But I trust in the Creator. That the Divine plan is always perfect. 

     Challenge. Do a random act of kindness in honor of someone you love who is no longer with us.  Pass their gifts forward. Remember them and honor their presence in your life.

This picture is a memorial pole for Charles Lawrence of the Suquamish Tribe, his vision and hard work left a great legacy for his descendants, his Tribe and Indian Country.

Al-Anon, how it works for families and friends of Alcoholics

    I found Al-Anon phone meetings about a year ago.  In December it will be a year.  I had moved to Washington that June.  I was still settling in. (How long do you think it takes after a major move?).  I was ready to look for more support.  I was very lucky that the Suquamish Tribe's Wellness Center provides mental health services for other Tribal members.  I made appointments for myself and for my girls.  And I looked for a local Al-Anon meeting.   I also remembered hearing about phone meetings in my Anchorage Al-Anon meeting.

I found the list on the Alaska Al-Anon website.

     When you call in you are automatically muted and it tells you how many people are online.  It usually starts with the  reading of the 12 Steps and has a theme. There can be a reading from some Al-Anon literature. ( there are amazing books! ) Then members are invited to share.  You are usually asked to time yourself for 3 minutes.  This is where the treasure is, listening to others share about what challenges they are living with and how they apply the principles of Al-Anon into their lives every day.  And you don't have to say anything.  You can only listen if you want to.  Some groups have 40 or members online.  So many, many people just listen.

     To un-mute you press *1.  There is usually an introduction at the beginning.  I say - I'm Leigh Anne and I'm from Washington state.  I found a meeting that normally has 10 people or less. I liked the smallness of the group. And soon they announced they would need a chair for the month of January.  I had never chaired on the phone. But I was up for the challenge.  There is a format online, so really I just read a script and then ask for people to volunteer by reading the Step of the month (12 steps for 12 months is pretty darn cool), read from any Al-Anon literature and then I help facilitate sharing.  

     I have made this phone group my home meeting.  There is one about 20 minutes away at lunch time on Fridays, but the phone meeting seems to be more accessible to my schedule.  This meeting's focus is on the 12 Steps, Traditions and Concepts.  There are 12 of each. So each meeting we focus one.  I have learned more about Al-Anon and how it functions through this foundation of the structure of the organization.  There are local meetings, district and regional organization, National and International.  The last International Conference was in Vancouver, Canada this last summer.  

     If you ever are in need of some serenity, call into a meeting.  Just listening to other people sharing about their struggles and how they cope is an amazing tool for building peace in your life.  I was gifted a book from my Anchorage meeting, How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics.  Reading this book taught me a lot about myself and how the family disease of alcoholism is still present in my life, although I don't drink, neither do my parents.  My grandfathers were alcoholic.  And I believe there was alcoholism present in my daughters father's family.

     My favorite is Step Two - came to believe a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  One it helped me recognize that yes my life before Al-Anon was truly insane.  I knew there was something wrong, but I just never knew exactly what.  And two, that it is the Creator who has the power to restore us.  I have to use my relationship with my Higher Power to lead me out of Insanity and back to Sanity.  The family disease of alcoholism and addiction and it's symptoms can be very handicapping.  But there is a way to heal.  A way to build tools that build peace and serenity into our life.

     My favorite Slogan is Let Go and Let God.  I like to think of my life as my side of the fence.  And other people have their lives on their side of the fence.  I can only control what is on my side of the fence.  I have to Let Go and Let God take care of the other people.  If someone behaves in a manner that I don't agree with, especially if it is directed at me or my children, I think of it as someone throwing their trash on my side of the fence.  How I react to it is within my control.  Many times I have to just ignore it.  And other times the trash is big enough it needs to addressed.  

     I also teach this lesson to my girls.  We can only change what is on our side of the fence.  And it's important to recognize someone's trash on our side of the fence.  MANY times the people throwing the trash try to tell you it's YOUR trash, when in fact it is not.  Chuckles.  I also help them to see when someone's words don't match their actions.  It can be confusing when someone tells you they believe one thing, but then their actions say the complete opposite.

Challenge:  if you think Al-Anon may help you, call into a meeting this week.  There are meetings everyday.  If you think a friend or family member needs Al-Anon share these links with them.  Even if they don't have an active drinker in their lives now, if a parent or grandparent or great grandparent suffered from addiction, those unhealthy coping mechanisms are still present in their life.  

http://www.al-anon-ak.org/

http://www.alanonphonemeetings.org/

A Foggy Day at Bainbridge Art Museum

     Museum cafes are all a little upscale.  Detroit Institute of Art, Art Gallery of Ontario, Anchorage Museum at Rasmuson Center, Seattle Art Museum. I think artists are foodies. Or maybe art  connoisseurs are foodies. Or both. But all of these museums have the best food. Today at my first visit to Bainbridge Art Museum, I had a lentil kale soup with a seasonal salad with beets and some soft goat cheeses. It's all beautifully plated. And I enjoyed sitting in a pretty cafe with flowers on the table and art on the walls. 

     I use food and art as two of my favorite Jumpstart My Heart activities.  Today about noon I realized I had about 3 hours free until the girls returned from school and we would begin a 5 day weekend because of school conferences.  When I weighed lounging in the house and watching TV or heading out, heading out seemed to feel stronger.  Then came the question, where to?  I have a list of things that I love to do, that I look at when I have time but I'm kind of lost.  My go-to is good food and art.  Bainbridge Art Museum opened this summer and its bistro just this month.  It's about a 20 minute drive.  So that got my vote and I was off!

     After a delicious and relaxing soup and salad, and, of course, a coffee, followed by a quick Instagram post, I was off to explore.  I checked in at the Admissions desk, free thanks to generous donors and members.  I shared it was my first visit and the very friendly lady gave me a quick once over. Two floors and a pamphlet about the current exhibits.  I always like to start at the gift shop.  I usually pick up some postcards of art on exhibit and then look for those specific pieces, but there weren't any.  I found some local artist cards that were unique. So I bought 11.  Yes, 11.  Paper crafts are my love and my weakness.  Melisa Lunt, at www.speakyourmindgreetings.com.  One I couldn't pass up had a hand drawn ferry with two balloons with Wishing you a ferry happy birthday.  Chuckles.   Another with a crab holding a flower with Please forgive me.  

     The gift shop assistant was friendly, too.  She shared the November calendar and told me about an author book signing on November 16. And the author is a featured artist.  I happened to walk through his exhibit first. A picture of a small girl with brown hair and light brown skin tones feeding birds. Exquisite. The girl could be either of my girls. Richard Jesse Watson!!  Wow. I was an instant fan. As I walked through his whimsical art, it was all captivating.  In the first few paintings with children, the children were a rainbow so shades. Something that means a lot to me.  I decided I was buying a book for the girls and we were coming back during the 5 day weekend.

     When visiting a new museum, I like to walk through the whole museum and then come back to my favorites. Well, today was a short window, so I only had time to walk through quickly.  Always challenged to take some pictures I looked for interesting pieces that meant something to me.  I loved Daniel Minter's Facing Homeward.  A dark skinned older man looks out a window. Art featuring people of color always touches me deeply.  We are over exposed to a Hollywood version of European dominated culture of America. So rare are people of color they are all precious to me.  

     A tall vase has a premium spot framed by seriously floor to ceiling windows, two story windows.  Oops forgot to get the name of the artist, but really it was the architecture I was trying to capture.  Next a wooden stair case framed with glass.  The tall vase again from a view above.  And a picture of the intersection that leads to the ferry that takes me to Seattle.  

     The gallery featuring Gayle Bard is full to the brim.  Mostly I take notice that this lady loves clouds.  I am passionate about clouds.  Alaska has fantastic clouds.  So does Suquamish Territory.  When I was in some of my darkest times living in Alaska, a single mother far from any family support, I could look up at the sky and find beauty and calm in the clouds.  I could reset my gauges from red to green in just a few moments.  Mother Nature's power restoring me to peace and contentment, no matter how much insanity seemed to surround me.

The one picture that captured me was an odd one. A painting of a dark window.  Very plain and very dark compared to the soul stirring images of nature dwarfed by magnificent clouds.  Prayer for Kurdistan is the title. And a mystery to be solved!  

     My last photos were of two masks, obviously Northern Alaskan. I come from Southeast Alaska so our art looks different.  Such strong and bold lines. Full of so much spirit. Our way of life tied so directly to our relationship with Mother Nature and all her creatures.  Larry Ulaaq Ahvakana, when googled and found on Etsy says "I am Inupiaq/Northern Western/Alaskan Inuit (Eskimo) from Barrow, AK. My Inupiaq names are Ulaaq and Sveetcharuq. For over 40 years I've used stone, wood, glass, bronze, ivory, & paper to create my work The images are inspired by my ancestors, those around me and the environment."  He is listed as living in Suquamish.  

     I was happy to end my day with a Native artist. Someone whose Ancestors have lived in these parts for thousands of years.  Oral traditions in my Tlingit and in the Suquamish tell of raiding canoes coming from far north in Alaska, some capturing women.  My brother-in-law says he captured a Tlingit (& Tsimshian Filipina).  Our Ancestors have lived on these shores from time immemorial. From before Western cultures keep record.  We are still here. And someday we will have justice and we will be healthy and whole again.  We will be prosperous again.  It just takes time to recover from colonialism and all it's atrocities, including the present day denial of the post-traumatic symptoms.      

     Today I feel blessed to be where I am on my journey called life.  I am blessed to have been born at this particular stage of our human evolution.  We are becoming aware that we are One People.  We all, well the majority of us, want peace and prosperity. And it is the insane few who hunger for wealth and power who keep us all imprisoned.  But someday soon, we the 99% will awaken from a slumber, maybe a self protecting coma, and realize we outnumber them and we want peace.

     How does peace and prosperity fit in with a visit to the Art Museum?  Because art stirs the soul, and makes me desire a truly beautiful life full of peace and prosperity for all...

     Challenge: Visit a Museum near you!  And treat yourself to lunch.

Being A Student When You Are A Parent

     A dear friend of mine is studying in a library far  north in Alaska writing a paper that is due tomorrow.  She was sick this week and her husband was out of town traveling.  Texting her, I said  that all mothers should get an automatic extra credit and a grade on a curve.  Have you studied when you were single or pre-parenthood and post parenthood?  It's a whole other ball game. 

     I remember studying before parenthood cramming late at night and even having the occasion all-nighter.  Studying with children as a single mother is quite a different experience.  First if the kids were sick, you had to find help to watch them just to go to class.  Then you had to use every time management skill you ever acquired to care for the kids when they needed you and squeeze in all your reading and writing and projects in between. And still find time to cook dinner and sleep every night.  All-nighters don't work any more.

     We don't need excuses like our dog ate my homework, we have our kids threw up all night, we have all been sick for the last two weeks, my babysitter couldn't make it.  One friend's Dad died and she was asked to bring in proof.  Another professor friend said she had to ask students for proof of a death in the family, because students took advantage.  I was disappointed to hear that young students felt the need to lie when they made poor choices and missed a deadline.  Then the rest of us with the reality of losing a family member has to prove it.  

     Two years ago I went back to school after being a stay at home mom for 10 years.  I had recently divorced after supporting my spouse through 8 years of medical school and residency.  My youngest daughter was in kindergarten which left me with time for school.  It was amazing in many ways.  I have a social personality. So I enjoyed being with adults in an academic setting and learning about Psychology in an Active Learning environment.  My teachers were open-minded and well experienced.  I also felt they understood that life and education is bigger than the classroom.  

     My favorite parts of going back to college were being able to study some of my passions like addiction and recovery in the Native community.  And a favorite lesson was the personality type test we took in the spirituality and religion course.  I learned about my personality type ENFP.  And how it interacts with other personality types.  It was very interesting going to class with a majority of students who were almost 20 years younger than me.  I was 37.

     The hardest part for me was going to school and not having the support of the girls' father.  It was particularly confusing as  8 years of my life were spent caring for our children as he became a doctor.  But once it was my turn to return to college there was no acknowledgement of  his debt to re-pay me in other things besides money and no gratitude for the 8 years of worry-free studying he had.  He never missed a class because our daughter was sick.  He never missed a class because our daughter had a school event.  He never missed a class or a day of residency because his children needed him.  One day I called him and asked him to watch our sick children while I went to class. And he said he was too tired.  He had just drove 6 hours to visit his girlfriend.  I learned not to call him when the girls were sick and I needed help.   I was grateful my best friend's husband worked from home and he watched the girls for me when I went to class that day.

     I learned a lot in that year going back to school. I was lucky my Mom came up to help me for a 6 week course and ended up staying a few more months during my next semester.  The girls and I would never have survived that semester without her help.  I learned that teachers can appreciate when students are parents, that kids get sick, that extensions may help.  And I also learned all my life experience is a plus in returning to school, especially when studying Psychology.  

     So if you are a parent and you are in school don't be too hard on yourself.  Don't compare yourself to classmates who don't have children or spouses to support and care for.  And if you are a teacher please be compassionate with students who have families.  

   

Healing from emotional and verbal abuse, where to start.

Caution this contains specific details of domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse, proceed with caution.  

     Also I want to state that these are my experiences and my perspective. Others may see these same events differently and I respect that.  But I believe it is essential we share our experiences with Domestic Violence, so we can recognize it in our families and in our communities and strive for healing.  We are only as sick as our secrets.

     So if we can recognize Domestic Violence in our lives, where do we go from there?  I was able to go the the women's shelter in Juneau, Alaska for classes while I waited to return to a safe home in Ann Arbor.  Once a week for the 6 weeks I was there.  One of my favorite and most powerful learning experiences was there in the land of my Ancestors, Tlingit Country, where my family has lived for thousands of years.

     While a facilitator lead us in sharing about our experiences, we were given a piece of polymer clay (like sculpey) we were asked to make something that made us think of the past.  I made a small mask.  A little bigger than a silver Half Dollar coin.  On it I carved two eyes with no mouth.  And after it was baked in the oven we painted them.  I painted tears falling from those eyes.  For me this told my long story of how many years I had been silent about my life.  He had asked me not to tell anyone about one of the areas of control. And so for 6 years I didn't tell anyone.  I held it all in.  Until I finally was able to go to my first counselor and talk about my experiences, the pain I felt, the confusion of being treated this way by someone I loved.  

     I was given a second piece of clay and asked to make something that made me think of the future.  I made another small disk and carved a symbol of the yin and yang on it.  I painted it blue on one side and red on the other side to symbolize the Equality of Women and Men. 

     I returned to my home from Juneau around Thanksgiving after 6 weeks of waiting for my husband to agree to a separation.  I had spoken with the women's shelter there and received some counseling and started attending the weekly support group.  We met in a basement of a beautiful church.  How comforting to be sheltered in a House of God.  My first group meeting was their annual Holiday Giveaway (my words). Tables were full of handmade quilts, dozens of them.  I took two, and was comfortable with it.  So there must have been over 30 for all of us to choose from.  There were handmade hats and scarves, beauty supplies, body care supplies, miscellaneous gifts for kids.  What a welcome!  To be showered with gifts as I entered a long journey of healing.

     I went to this weekly meeting for 6 months.  I learned the stories of these women and learned how we all shared similar experiences.  There is a spectrum of control.  Some men hit, and some will beat you, and some will put you in a hospital and some will try to kill you.  But all of them, use words as weapons.  I heard from one woman how she had healed her broken bones relatively quickly but her emotional healing has taken years and she was not yet done.

     I had been told on the phone when talking to an Abuser's program that our society has the concept of danger of Domestic Violence backwards, we think that physical abuse is the worst, when really emotional abuse is far more damaging.  To hear it from a professional male was one thing, to hear it from a female survivor was a totally different lesson.  Our hearts and our minds are bruised from emotional and verbal abuse and the patterns of control they build in our lives.

     From the Summary Policy Statement on Domestic Violence

Of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'is of the United States:

In contrast to obvious and extreme forms of domestic violence, the less extreme and non-criminal aspects of domestic violence present the challenge that they may not even be recognized as abusive. Yet they also are violations of Bahá'í standards of conduct, and they affect a broad segment of the population. Overcoming and preventing all forms of domestic violence requires that local Bahá’í communities foster a spirit and active pattern of loving support for families and emphasize both personal and family development in on-going education programs for children, youth and adults. 

     What are the less extreme and non-criminal aspects of domestic violence that are violations of Baha'i standards of conduct that are a challenge to recognize as abusive?  Which of these patterns of control are less extreme and non-criminal?  

     Patterns of Domestic Violence may include the following: physical abuse, sexual abuse, economic abuse, destroying or damaging property, neglect, abandonment, emotional and verbal abuse, corrupting, stalking, using coercion and threats to intimidate, isolating the abused party, minimizing or denying the abuse, and blaming the abused party.

     I have found that identifying the patterns of control is the first step to healing.  

     Challenge:  if you are living with patterns of control, call the National Hotline and talk to someone.  If you know someone living with patterns of control, share the phone number with them.  If you have a local women's shelter call them, if you need help ask for help, if you can give help, find out what you can do to support women and children in your community suffering from the worst vulnerability, that of our heart and of our home.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-7233

http://www.thehotline.org/

A copy of the Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violences is on this page.

 http://www.bahai.us/social-action/advancement-of-women/addressing-domestic-violence/

Words Used As Weapons, Emotional and Verbal Abuse

Caution this contains specific details of domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse, proceed with caution.  

     Also I want to state that these are my experiences and my perspective. Others may see these same events differently and I respect that.  But I believe it is essential we share our experiences with Domestic Violence, so we can recognize it in our families and in our communities and strive for healing.  We are only as sick as our secrets.

     I had left my house late in the night after what I consider the first incidence of physical abuse.  I was lucky I could spend the night at my sisters.  The next day I took my sisters advice and called the women's hotline.  I can still remember clearly sitting in my car calling on my cell phone.  I called to ask, what do I do now?  How do I respond to the incident that happened last night? 

     When I explained what had occurred, she said I'm sorry to tell you this but this is Domestic Violence.  Those 4 words changed my life. - This is domestic violence.  - I knew what Domestic Violence was from school and living in Indian communities. There is constant community education about the escalating danger of Domestic Violence and no one should stay in a relationship that they are in danger in, cause it only gets worse.

     I knew that I had been living with emotional and verbal abuse. That I could recognize, after  being called an F-!$ing bitch for years among other things had made me learn to tune out the rantings.  I had insisted we start marriage counseling just a little over a year ago when another incident had scared me so much, I packed up the girls and drove to his family about a days drive away while he was at work the next day.  I knew his anger and the demeaning things he said to me were wrong, but I never saw them as domestic violence until this call.  

"Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used among family members or within a home by one or more persons to oppress, dominate, and control another person or persons. " 1

Emotional and verbal abuse is a pattern of behavior that controls another person.

"Emotional and verbal abuse, which is a repetitive pattern of using words as weapons to denigrate the abused party’s sense of self worth, such as name-calling, belittling and sarcastic comments that continually "beat down" self-esteem. It may also include humiliating, rejecting, or ignoring the abused party in private or in public.

• For children, this may occur in a repeated pattern of caregiver behavior or extreme incidents that convey to children that they are worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, or only of value in meeting another's needs.

• For adults, this may be a relationship where the offender continuously degrades or belittles the abused or accuses them of being stupid, unattractive, a bad parent, unfaithful or any other similar fault and can be considered an indicator of domestic violence or the potential for domestic violence." 2

     Using words as weapons.  I once watched  a kid cartoon were a preschooler asked his Mom what cuss words were and she said they were meant to hurt you.  Wow. What a simple way to describe what cussing does to a person.  It hurts you.  And it's meant to hurt you.

     Words as weapons used to oppress, dominate and control another person.  I remember after one verbal attack I felt as if someone had punched me hard in the stomach.  My whole body ached.  A girlfriend of mine years later shared her perspective, emotional and verbal abuse leaves a bruise on the heart, not on the arm.

     Looking back I can see how my choices were limited more and more over the years.  I had less and less freedom to make simple choices on my own without paying a consequence for it.  In one area, what foods were "allowed" in the house started after our 1st year of marriage.  I was criticized for having my favorite foods in the house, Hagen Daz coffee ice cream and Lay's potato chips.  I had to choose if I wanted these favorite foods in my home or face consequences if I  chose the "wrong" choice.  Slowly over the years I grew     tired of the constant criticism and rarely bought these items.  It was just easier.  Life was easier if I didn't make choices he didn't agree with.

    Domestic Violence you say?  Well fast forward 12 years, and if I didn't hide my wrappers from McDonald's, a cup from Starbucks or a cake in the fridge for a Holy Day, I could receive a a criticism,  a sarcastic comment or an explosion of rage.  When I saw that beautiful strawberry shortcake in the display on sale at Whole Foods that Ridvan day, I knew if I brought it home, I would suffer a consequence.  And I was ready for it.  I decided I had every right to buy a cake for a Holy Day if I wanted to.  When I received a sarcastic comment when he saw the cake in the fridge, I packed it up and started to walk out the door to eat it somewhere else  in peace.  I received another verbally abusive comment and I lost it, and swung my grocery bag and hit him with my cake.  

     This incident was later used to point out I had hit him, too.  Domestic Violence is about control.  Did I have control here?  Was I stopping him from doing something that should be his right and prerogative to choose with basic consideration and respect?  I had lived with his control of what I ate and what I bought for the house for over 10 years.  I finally lost it and hit him with a cake.  I would say I was pretty tolerant.  Or I could say I should have lost it a lot earlier.

     5 years later, I still have issues with food.  When I decide to buy chips, less and less often do I hear the tape recording -"chips are bad for you.  We don't need these in the house."  I no longer live in the cage where I have a consequence of belittling or sarcasm if I buy chips.  It's taken years to drown out the tape recording with moderation.  Yes, I can buy chips and eat chips in moderation.  I eat very healthily and can choose for myself what my favorite treats are.  Today I can't eat Hagen Daz coffee ice cream because of dairy intolerance so I buy quality chocolate instead.  And I choose a more natural potato chip.  

     In the past few years I saw my best friend from high school, who later became my boyfriend.   He asked me something about my favorite ice cream.  And I was actually stunned, it had been so long since I'd loved ice cream, I could barely remember it.  Who had I become that I didn't even remember my love of ice cream?  That is the cage that Domestic Violence builds.  You become someone else to keep peace in your home.  It's easier that way, at least in  the short term.  Later when you learn you can't survive in an environment like that and stay sane, you have to re-learn to love yourself,  just the way you are.

Challenge:  have you lived with emotional abuse?  Do you live with  emotional abuse now?  Do you use counseling?  Can you use Al-Anon as a source of support?  Can you help support a friend who is surviving life with emotional abuse?  

This is the month to learn about Domestic Violence.  And do something about it.  "Let deeds, not words, be your adorning."

National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-7233

http://www.thehotline.org/

A copy of the Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violences is on this page.

 http://www.bahai.us/social-action/advancement-of-women/addressing-domestic-violence/

A Baha'i view on Domestic Violence: during Domestic Violence Awareness Month

Caution this contains specific details of domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse, proceed with caution.  

     Also I want to state that these are my experiences and my perspective. Others may see these same events differently and I respect that.  But I believe it is essential we share our experiences with Domestic Violence, so we can recognize it in our families and in our communities and strive for healing.  We are only as sick as our secrets.

     I am writing this month about my experience with domestic violence to honor my history, that of my grandmothers, my great-grandmothers, and my friends who currently struggle with family violence in their homes.  And most of all I am writing this for our children.  That we may heal these spiritual illnesses afflicting humankind and help build peace on Earth by building peace in our hearts and in our homes.  

     5 years ago this month I left my home due to domestic violence.  It took 6 weeks of communicating with my husband's family and our local Baha'i Spiritual Assembly to coordinate a separation enabling me to return to my home in Ann Arbor, MI  from my refuge at my parents home in Juneau, AK.

     These words from the Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence from the Baha'is of the United States were a comfort to me during that storm and still are to this day:

The National Spiritual Assembly wishes to convey a clear message that acts of domestic violence are at complete variance with the teachings of Bahá’u’lláh and that violence in the family is a practice to be condemned. In addition, domestic violence is a criminal act in the United States. Such behaviors, on the part of either men or women, are rooted in longstanding social practices connected with an inability or unwillingness to apply the fundamental spiritual principle of the equality of women and men and to recognize the fundamental right of every human being to be treated with consideration and respect.

     What are the behaviors rooted in longstanding social practices connected with the inability or unwillingness to apply the fundamental spiritual principle of the equality of women and men? What does a fundamental right to be treated with consideration and respect look like?

     This is the definition of Domestic Violence in the Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence:

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used among family members or within a home by one or more persons to oppress, dominate, and control another person or persons. Abuse occurs among people from every socioeconomic, racial, educational, cultural, and religious background. It may occur between partners in a relationship, married or not married, living together, separated or dating. It may also occur between siblings, between a parent and child(ren), between an adult child and an elderly parent, or between other relatives. Sociological research indicates that in the absence of remedial action, abusive behaviors that do not directly incorporate physical violence may lead to it and that such behaviors usually worsen over time.

     What patterns of behavior are used to oppress, dominate and control another person?  What is remedial action?  Abusive  behaviors that do not directly incorporate physical violence may lead to it and usually worsen over time.  

     Patterns of Domestic Violence may include the following: physical abuse, sexual abuse, economic abuse, destroying or damaging property, neglect, abandonment, emotional and verbal abuse, corrupting, stalking, using coercion and threats to intimidate, isolating the abused party, minimizing or denying the abuse, and blaming the abused party.

     In my experience emotional and verbal abuse worsened over time. Looking back now I can clearly relate to the illustration of the frog in the pot of water that slowly heats up to a boil.  For me it took about 7 years to get to a place where I felt I had to jump out of the boiling water or else I wouldn't survive.  As I found peace in separation and followed by a Year of Patience, a Baha'i practice  of attempting to reconcile before seeking a divorce, I felt like I had lived in a cage that had slowly over time grown smaller and smaller until I no longer had the freedom to move.

     When that "cage" was no longer there, it took months and years to heal from the emotional abuse, the constant criticism and judgement, and to stretch out my arms and legs and learn how to walk on my own again without a constant leash of emotional and verbal abuse being tugged to require me to make certain choices or consequences would be given.

     

Challenge: make a commitment to learn about the Equality of Women and Men and how Domestic Violence plays a role. Read the Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence.  It's approximately 100 pages.  If you read 5 pages a day you could finish by October 30.  If you read 1 page a day, you'll be done by the end of January.  To heal domestic violence the whole community needs to be able to recognize it and help encourage suffering families to get professional help.

You can find a copy here 

http://www.bahai.us/social-action/advancement-of-women/addressing-domestic-violence/

This painting is of a mother reading a bedtime story to a child at the Seattle Art Museum by the artist father.  May we all be comforted and sheltered and loved by our mothers in a happy and healthy and peaceful home.

     

My Traffic Light System: how I measure my current state of well-being

   So over the years learning about how to take care of myself, I've learned I have to take care of ME first, then my family.  It used to be my children and my husband. Now for the last three years, it's just my kids. Which in ways is more work and in other ways is way less work. Chuckles. 

     It's perfectly illustrated in the story of when flying and the flight attendant instructs us in emergencies to put on our own oxygen mask first and then help others. It seems so damn simple. But it is hard and complex to put into everyday practice. 

     I have found that being able to read how you are feeling is a big first step to taking care of your self.  In the last couple years I have been using and defining what I call The Traffic Light System.  A green zone means I am happy, rested, peaceful, content and full of hope and wonder at the world being in perfect synchronicity and order.  A yellow means I am tired, sad, frustrated and I'm struggling with daily life.  A red can be a spectrum of being depressed, pessimistic, not being to see a light out of the dark and long tunnel, being angry and pissed off, and just stuck and maybe paralyzed and unable to move forward.

     When I first started using this Traffic Light System, I recognized I lived most of my life in a yellow, with few green moments and I could easily be pushed into a red.  Now I live mostly in a green with a few moments of yellow and once in a while a particular person can send me into a red.  

     So how are you feeling?  Are you peaceful and content?  Are you  in a green zone?  Are you tired?  Or frustrated?  In a yellow zone?  Do you have the blues?  Are you pissed off cause someone you live with keeps walking over your side of the fence and dumping their trash on your side?  In a red zone?

     If you are in a yellow or a red, the first thing to do is step away.  Take a break.  Walk out the door. If you can't leave a young child, go into your room and lock the door.  Give yourself 5 minutes.  Take some deep breaths.  Inhale.  Rest. Exhale.  

     Next if you can sit for 20- 30 minutes. Sit down and Do Not Get up.  Read a book or turn on the TV and set a timer.  Do this twice a day. If you work outside the home sit in your car for lunch.  Take 20 minutes before you pick up the kids.  If you are at home with pre-school aged children, train them to help give Mama (or Daddy) a break.  Set a timer and reward them. If they are potty training they can interrupt to go potty.  But otherwise no interruptions.  Start with 10 minutes and increase slowly.  Make sure to read or watch something light and fun.  Nothing dark and dramatic.  You have enough drama in your life, right?  

     Next think about what you could do today that would make you happy.  Now if you have been in a red zone for too long, you may not even remember what activities make you happy, so start with writing a list of what makes you happy.  I had forgot how much I love music.  I had forgot how much I had loved to dance.  That's how stress works.  You survive. You go down to the basics.  Eat and get dressed  and get to work.  Your batteries never get recharged.

     I can turn on Pandora and dance in my room and feel better.  I like Timbaland and Nelly Furtado.  Eventually I bought my favorites from iTunes, Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight, John Mellencamp's Jack and Diane, Jay-Z's Young Forever, Whitney Houston's How Will I Know, and new favorites Justin Timberlake's Mirrors and Nicki Minaj's not explicit Starships.

     I can take a walk somewhere pretty and get reconnected with Mother Earth and her gorgeous gifts.  The trees give me strength.  The flowers make me glow reflecting my inner beauty.  Water grounds me, I feel like it calms me.  Reminds me life is always movement, never still.  Don't fight the waves, ride them.

     Another powerful tool is reaching out.  It's funny but it works both ways.  I can text a friend and just say I need to vent.  They listen and encourage me.  And at my darkest movements I almost always receive a text from a friend, never the same friend, more like a rotation of my close confidants. And though no one can provide all the support I need, I have nurtured a circle of friendships, that all together, sustainably support me.

     One friend I text regularly when I just get a feeling, always laughs at how I know exactly when to reach out to her.  I have told  her for years I blame my Grandmother Ruby and her Grandfather Tom for scheming in heaven together.  Our guardian angels coordinating our friendship and support and love for each other.  

     I lost a light of my life 17 days ago.  I have never lost a parent before.  Challenge: if you have lost a parent, send me a note, a message, a text or give me a ring, let me know what helps you cope with the grief.  I'll keep it private unless you state otherwise.  

PS a cup of coffee always makes me happy!  Here is a cup from my weekend of Recharging My Batteries.