Guilt 2a) Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary app)
A friend posted on Facebook the other day a blog about Mother's guilt. It was hilarious to read and made me chuckle because although I've felt it, mother's guilt, and helped friends work through it, I don't think I'd ever read about it. Lisa Jo Baker says, "In theory, we all know there is no perfect mother. In reality, however we seem to hold ourselves to a standard of motherhood that's insane."
It's so true. How many times have I felt bad about NOT being a better mother? Currently I wish the girls were in extra-curricular activities, art, dance or swimming. And I do feel inadequate about it. Especially when my friends are posting such great pictures of their kids in soccer, basketball, football, etc... Now please Do Not Feel Bad about posting your joy and the accomplishments of your kids, I love it. The problem is when I judge myself. When I feel bad about an imagined offense or feel inadequate.
Where do these voices in our head come from? You "should" be....fill in the blank. Do they come from our original families? Do they come from watching too much Hollywood produced Fantasy life where every home is designed by an amazing interior decorator, cleaned by a full staff, and every mother is beautiful from the moment she wakes up until she lays her head on her pillow (in full make up)? But we don't see the unimaginable cost of the interior design, we don't see the full cleaning house staff it would take to clean these mega homes, we don't see the make up artist team, or the diet and exercise team that keeps these "mothers" in perfect Hollywood standards.
My wise girlfriend once told me, "Leigh Anne, don't SHOULD on yourself." I pass that wisdom along all the time. I have been at a stage in life when it took all my energy to feed my kids, cloth them, bath them regularly and get them to school (on time is a whole other blog). I'd pick them up from school and feed them dinner and that was the extent of my energy. I have also lived for 8 months when I didn't have enough money to feed my kids. I ate less so they could eat. We drove to school and back home because I didn't have money for gas. No movies, no activities that cost money unless my parents sent us money. And my parents sent us money so I could feed the girls each month. I got tired of having to ask them.
So looking back hindsight is 20/20. It's pretty amazing I did as well as I did. Actually until writing this, in this moment, I never put together that my darkest time was at the same time when I couldn't afford to feed my kids. Even then I knew I was doing the best that I could considering the circumstances.
I think that is the key. To know and accept that we are doing the best that we can. The best that we can. And to let go of the "standard of motherhood that's insane." Our kids have parents who love them, and do our best to provide for them. We give them a home, hopefully a peaceful home (and if not we can work on that), we feed them, cloth them, get them to school, and teach them the lessons that are important in our life's toolbox.
We spend every moment of our day working in our home and in our job to give our kids the best that we can. So lets be gracious to ourselves, be considerate and thoughtful. Not judgemental. We are good mothers. We are great mothers. We are mothers.
I remember when my eldest child was a newborn. And I was delirious from lack of sleep. The night feedings. Feeding every two hours seemed like torture (sleep deprivation is a torture practice. Chuckles). Then she slept during the day and I didn't realize I should be napping, too..cause she'd want to play at 3 am. But in those moments I appreciated my mother more than I ever have in my life. To know that she gave the same loving care to me. And our kids will some day know what we suffered through and sacrificed for our love for them.
And for the grandparents reading this, don't judge your parenting experience. Don't regret that you didn't have the tools and wisdom you have today. Because you still have children in your life, you can support your children in their parenting and you can teach your grandchildren, your great nieces and nephews, your neighborhood kids though example and modeling and the gift of your presence in their life today.
Challenge: Think about your childhood. Think about how you have provided for your kids in healthier ways than you were raised. I believe every generation progresses forward. Write a list of three things that you believe you have done the best at. And write out a statement that validates a job well done, the best that you could do. And go out and treat yourself. Buy a $4 coffee. Go buy a new released movie. Go buy some new fishing tackle or supplies for your next craft project. You deserve a reward for being a parent.
(And if you are on a tight budget think of something that costs no money. Call a friend you miss. Go take a hot bath with soft music and candles. Sit and read a favorite book. Or go visit a friend.)
"I was the best parent I was capable of being. I am the best parent I am capable of today. Tomorrow I will be even more capable from what I learned today and yesterday."
Mom guilt by Lisa Jo Baker
http://lisajobaker.com/2013/09/mom-guilt-im-getting-over-it/
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