Taking Back My Religion or walking the path of Individual Investigation of Truth

So my first test understanding that my Religious Community is separate from the Divine Teacher who Founded our Religion took place when I was about 18. I was working with a group of youth and I received a phone call from an irate  parent, lashing out about something that I had done "against" their child.  I'd known this family for a few years.  We saw each other often and they were always kind and courteous.  The experience of angry criticism really hurt deeply. I was confused why some one was so angry and why they would speak to me in such a disrespectful way.  I thought why am I bothering to volunteer my time working with youth, if parents are going to treat me like this?  

As I wondered how community members who uphold consultation and unity could act this way, I seriously thought why am I a member of this religion?  As I pondered these thoughts I was inspired that I love Baha'u'llah. I love His teachings, that are all about building an ever-advancing civilization.  That through the elimination of prejudice and racism, through the elimination of extreme wealth and poverty,  by having education available to all children and other principles we could walk towards Peace.  

That was the day I feel I became a Baha'i. I went from a child raised to a firm believer. I understood that we humans are human. We have short comings. And we have unhealthy coping mechanisms. We may believe in these principles but we are still learning how to live them. And we will continue to fail, we will make mistakes. Our learning has no reflection on the Power of the Teachings of Baha'u'llah nor does it make Him any less.  I believe He has given us gifts and tools that will teach us to build Peace.  I believe this is the way forward. Our short comings do not affect the destiny of our Religion.

My second lesson in this began in 2008 in Ann Arbor, Michigan when I recognized I was living with Domestic Violence in my marriage. I was lucky to have known about the United States Baha'i community's handbook on Domestic Violence. It gave me a deep understanding that we do not condone family violence and even non-criminal aspects are violations of Baha'i standards of conduct.  Yet I found no one in my community familiar with the guidelines or able to apply the knowledge into our current difficult situation.

Each Baha'i community that has 9 adults members elects a Local Spiritual Assembly every Spring to guide it's affairs.  They are described to be channels of God's grace and mercy for each community.  How heart breaking it was for me, when I realized that my community was too ignorant of current understandings of Domestic Violence to take any supportive action.  Here was the community I was raised in, that taught me the equality of women and men, but we have no systems for supporting women and children who live in unsafe homes.

This was also the case when we moved to Anchorage, Alaska. We were separated and moving forward with a divorce. And Alaska's community didn't even have a handbook on Domestic Violence.  I went to the Local Spiritual Assembly for help because my husband wasn't adequately supporting us.  I didn't have enough money to feed my children, and the LSA suggested we go to a financial advisor.   It was a difficult time of not driving more than we absolutely had to because I could not afford gas.  And we ate grilled cheese and tuna sandwiches while he earned a doctors salary.  8 months later my husband increased my monthly budget by $1200 a month as suggested by a financial advisor.

I received no supportive actions to assist me during a long period of financial difficulty and emotional and verbal abuse which continued the patterns of power and control.  Again there was no mercy or grace from these channels.  I stopped asking for assistance from the Local Spiritual Assembly.   I found help through friends.  One Baha'i friend dropped off jarred salmon, bread and juice when I mentioned I didn't have enough money to feed my girls.  Some friends had offered money but I was too uncomfortable to take it.  Now I know when some is hungry, just bring food.  No one can refuse it.

Why was I a Baha'i?  

This question continues to be asked as I look around the Alaska community and see the absence of the generation of youth who I spent my young adult life with.  When I returned to Alaska after 8 years in Michigan in 2009,  the absence of my generation of youth and the Alaska Natives was like a neon sign that one one else could see.  I bumped into young mothers in the grocery store, but never saw them at the Baha'i Center.  There were almost no Native Bahai's participating.  No one could tell me what happened.  

In the 5 years since I moved back to Anchorage in 2009  and have now moved to Washington, it is now my belief that the extreme denial of the challenges our youth face in upholding our high spiritual values in a world with none is the cause of this absence.  Our inability to accept that our youth will walk an Independent Investigation of Truth, that they will test these values in action and how we support them during and after has robbed us of a whole generation. We are too strict in our judgement. We exclude those we feel have failed. We do not practice compassion or empathy. We do not inquire after our friends and their children.  

That was my biggest concern this next generation of children.  The children of Abdu'l-Baha who have been excluded from our community because we are too scared of mistakes. We are too ashamed of challenges. We have no systems for accepting the path of Individual Investigation of Truth.  

As for the absence of Native Baha'i friends I believe it is an inability to have empathy for the hardships that we bear living with the consequences of historical trauma: poverty, addiction, violence. How do we help support our Baha'i families healing from racism, poverty and addiction?  Native Baha'is who have been participating in the Faith for decades are now absent. I believe because there is an inability to listen to their concerns and be empathetic to the struggles our families survive with daily.

I am a Baha'i. I love Baha'u'llah and every day I choose how to apply His Teachings into my life. I also go out of my way to support those who feel excluded from the Baha'i community. 

I have taken back my religion. No one can take my love for Baha'u'llah's teachings. My favorite quote from a Baha'i scholar is "Mistakes are an inseparable aspect of learning."  I challenge the Baha'i friends of Alaska to ask what mistakes have we made that has created an absence of a generation of Baha'is and excluded our Native friends?  And what actions can we take to heal from this mistake.

Study the Sacred Writings.  Plan.  Act.  Reflect. 

"The shining spark of truth cometh forth only after the clash of differing opinions."

Domestic Violence Awareness Month- Pass the Peace

Dear friend,

I loved seeing a Super Bowl winning quarterback with a video supporting the end of domestic violence and calling out his friends to Pass the Peace.  To one day see the end of domestic violence, we all need to be talking about how we each Pass the Peace, how we each support our women friends to get help and how we hold our male friends accountable for their behavior.  

What do you think about domestic violence?

Do you think about women with black eyes?  The horror stories of women killed by their partners, their husbands, their ex-partners?  Do you think it's your neighbor?  Your co-worker? Your friend?

Yes.  What about our friends?  What about our friends at Feast?  Can you recognize the less extreme and non-criminal aspects of domestic violence that are violations of Baha'i standards of conduct?  Can you help a friend recognize emotional and verbal abuse?  Economic abuse?  Can we help our friends overcome and prevent all forms of domestic violence?  Can we encourage them to call a domestic violence hotline?  To attend a a domestic violence support group?

How do we do that if we never talk about domestic violence?  

How do we do this if we don't talk to each other about the dark parts of our lives?

"Emotional and verbal abuse, which is a repetitive  pattern of behavior denigrating the abused party's sense of self worth, such as name calling, belittling and sarcastic comments that continue to "beat down" self esteem.  It may also include humiliating, rejecting, or  ignoring the abused party in private or public."  - Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence, National Spiritual Assembly of the United States, p. 8

Many of us would NEVER mention if we were experiencing emotional and verbal abuse. I know I didn't. I was ashamed. I couldn't tell my family and friends for years. I kept it hidden and suffered in silence.  When my former husband asked me not to tell anyone, I didn't. It took about 7 years until I finally found myself in counseling and was able to tell another human being about the controlling and humiliating patterns I was being exposed to over and over again.  Much later, about 5 years later, the best resource I found was a domestic violence support group. I realized I was not alone, many other women suffered in very similar ways as I had.  

As I learned about Domestic Violence and it's less extreme and non-criminal aspects, I began to understand I didn't have to live suffering in silence.  I eventually was divorced after 15 years of marriage and I began my journey of healing. I continue to share my story so that others can learn to recognize domestic violence in their lives and make healthy choices, or they can recognize it in their sisters lives or their friends lives and be an advocate for healing and peace.

It was my sister who encouraged me to call a domestic violence hotline for the first time after an incidence of physical abuse and I began my journey of finding my way out of the misery of hell. It took 2 years from that night. I was separated.  We had a Baha'i Year of Waiting (a practice to work on reconciliation before divorce) and then worked on a divorce. I no longer lived with him. But the controlling patterns were still there, I just learned how to build stronger and stronger boundaries. And my home was a refuge. So when he was abusive, I had a safe place to retreat to.  

"In contrast to obvious and extreme forms of domestic violence, the less extreme and non-criminal aspects of domestic violence present the challenge that they may not even be recognized as abusive. Yet they also are violations of Bahá'í standards of conduct, and they affect a broad segment of the population. Overcoming and preventing all forms of domestic violence requires that local Bahá’í communities foster a spirit and active pattern of loving support for families and emphasize both personal and family development in on-going education programs for children, youth and adults."  - Summary policy statement on Domestic Violence of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'is of the United States 

Jumpstart My Heart: Using Art to Re-Charge

Friday was a rough morning.  But with help from my Mom, I was able to head out to the Seattle Art Museum.  The storm in Anchorage had left my inner battery drained.  I survived and made it home safe.  Since arriving home, it's been all about helping the girls rest and prepare for school.  By Friday I was in desperate need of a deep re-charge and for that I know it means a visit to the Seattle Art Musuem.  

The ferry ride was gorgeous. The Mountain was out and the waters were a deep blue with contrasting whitecaps from the strong winds.  Every time I see the Mountain it's a treat. It has so much natural majesty and reminds me how blessed I am just to live here.  As I walked up 1st Avenue to the museum, I chatted with a friend on the phone whose voice always calms me. 

The SAM library is open to the public Wednesday-Friday 10-4pm. So I have started to stop by and learn how to use it. My goal that day was to look at the profiles on the Tlingit pieces, something I'd never done before. As the librarian helped me, I found profiles on some Tlingit pieces including Yéil x'eenh, the Raven Screen, from the Frog House in Kluwan and Xoots Kudas' Bear shirt, a Chilkat tunic, from Angoon. I was hoping the profiles would tell me how the items were collected and where they have been. But they just had copies of published references. So I photocopied an article from American Indian Art Magazine 2005 about the Raven Screen from Klukwan to read later. 

I was hoping to find more information on Keét Gwata, the Killer Whale dagger that I saw on Facebook at a Potlatch in Juneau two weekends ago.  I had been so delightfully surprised to see the dagger I had read about in the Spirit Within at the Potlatch!  I was able to chat through Facebook with Edwell John Jr. who was holding the dagger in the photo. He confirmed it was indeed the Killer Whale Dagger and had been repatriated from the Seattle Art Museum. 

There was no profile on it. In the Spirit Within p.40 the "family history identifies the maker of this important at.óow as Goochk'i Yéis (Dark Wolf). But I was able to find another reference of it in Box of Daylight by Bill Reid p.98 that it is said to have been made 9 generations ago. 

I also found a photo of Núńukvas and his wife in a Canoe in Bella Bella in 1889. I love seeing the old buildings, including the Big House in the background. During the Canoe Journey hosting this summer inside gatherings, like meals and evening Protocol, were in the community hall. So that will be interesting to find the story of what happened to their Big House. 

After the library, I did a quick walk through of the Native American permanent collections. Taking pictures of a Tlingit adze (carving tool) dated 1870 and a Haida Argillite box dated 1885 for a friend who I thought would like them. I walked by the Aboriginal paintings that I love. Being shooed off for being on the phone by a security guard (that was you Suze), I was sent to the kid area. Chuckles. 

And lastly I was able to walk through Modernism in the Pacific Northwest: The Mythic and the Mystical. It was closing in two days. And I wanted one last look at my favorite pieces of Mark Tobey's.  I'd been reading the catalog all summer. It's a rare treat to see a prominent artist who is a Baha'i. I love reading how his spiritual beliefs were a part of all of his work. He lived 1890-1976. So his themes on Peace and a global community are deeply meaningful to me. Knowing that he used his spiritual values to inspire his art resonates with my heart. 

What is art but a way to express what our heart is feeling?  How do we contribute to the dialogue today about World Peace, outgrowing war as a tool of conflict or about our responsibility that all children on earth have full tummies and a school to go to?

My time in the Seattle Art Museum did exactly what I knew it would. It gave me such great joy my inner battery was re-charged. I felt stronger and more capable by reading the books in the library, seeing the magnificent art of my Ancestors and I was inspired to keep asking the questions that need to be asked today.

Recovering from the Abuse of Power and Control in Our Intimate Relationships. How to support a friend.

As I was falling asleep last night I got a call, she was in tears.  As she was telling me about the events that had caused her so much distress, I could reflect back to her the signs of abuse, emotional and mental abuse.  As I have studied domestic violence over the last six years, I have learned how to recognize the spectrum of control that men use to get what they want (mostly it's men who abuse this power in intimate relationships, but not only).  While you are still in the relationship, they can use everything from using words as weapons, to manipulating those around you, to threatening force, all can be done without ever physically touching you.  Once you leave the relationship it seems all their energy is directed towards just making sure your life is miserable.  Full of constant conflict, sucking all your energy, so it's difficult to rebuild a new life without them.

It's really important for our community to be able to recognize the signs of power and control that are the vehicle for domestic violence in our families. We have been taught that hitting women is wrong, but there are many other ways to manipulate a person that doesn't include actually hitting them.  These manipulations change the dynamics of power in an intimate relationship. When the individual who uses force to compel obedience, the other partner quickly loses the freedom to make choices without suffering consequences and learns what is allowed in the relationship without risking a consequence of abusive behavior.

In the book Why Does He Do That, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft illustrates how one incidence of anger can totally corrupt the power dynamics of a family without ever touching anyone.  

“There is also a third level, which is rarely mentioned in discussions of abuse but which is actually one of the most important dynamics: the benefits that an abuser gets that make his behavior desirable to him. In what ways is abusiveness rewarding? How does this destructive pattern get reinforced?

Consider the following scenario: Mom, Dad, and their children are having dinner on a Wednesday night. Dad is snappy and irritable, criticizing everybody during the meal, spreading his tension around like electricity. When he finishes eating, he leaves the table abruptly and heads out of the room. His ten-year-old daughter says, “Dad, where are you going? Wednesday is your night to wash the dishes.” Upon hearing these words, Dad bursts into flames, screaming, “You upstart little shit, don’t you dare try to tell me what to do! You’ll be wearing a dish on your face!” He grabs a plate off the table, makes like he is going to throw it at her, and then turns away and smashes it on the floor. He knocks a chair over with his hand and storms out of the room. Mom and the children are left trembling; the daughter bursts into tears. Dad reappears in the doorway and yells that she’d better shut up, so she chokes off her tears, which causes her to shake even more violently. Without touching a soul, Dad has sent painful shock waves through the entire family.

We move ahead now to the following Wednesday. Dinner passes fairly normally, without the previous week’s tension, but Dad still strolls out of the kitchen when he finishes eating. Does a family member remind him that it’s his turn to wash the dishes? Of course not. It will be many, many months before anyone makes that mistake again. They quietly attend to the cleanup, or they squabble among themselves about who should do it, taking out their frustrations over Dad’s unfairness and volatility on each other. Dad’s scary behavior has created a context in which he won’t have to do the dishes anytime he doesn’t feel like it, and no one will dare take him to task for it.

Any incident of abusive behavior brings the abuser benefits just as this one did. Over time, the man grows attached to his ballooning collection of comforts and privileges.”

Excerpt From: Bancroft, Lundy. “Why Does He Do That?.” Penguin, 2002. iBooks. 

This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBooks Store: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id=361930292

Learning to recognize behaviors that make one partner dominate the other is really important to helping a friend survive an unhealthy relationship. Helping her (or him) see through the manipulation, to see how their partner's words may be in contrast to their actions and to consider leaving.  A friend reminded me it usually takes a woman 7 times before she can finally leave an unhealthy relationship. 7 times!  So when you see a friend going back and forth, just know it's proven and studied. It's they way a person leaves abuse.  Slowly.... 

Be supportive of them. Keep encouraging that they deserve to live in a home where peace is a priority and where they are respected and treated well.  A marriage should be a fortress of well-being.  It should nurture both partners and the children.  If it is a source of constant conflict and harm, the choice to leave should be considered. Counseling should be used. And if in the end, a true change in the dynamics of power can't be created, ending the relationship is actually the best thing you can do.

I'm sharing two of my favorite passages from the Baha'i Faith about abuse in our marriages.  These were bright lights for me when I was stuck in the deep dark depths of the abuse of power and control and because I wasn't being hit, it couldn't see it for domestic violence.  Looking back now, I can see I always submitted to his will. He never had to use physical force to get what he wanted. That was until the end.  Or what became the end.  I knew how dangerous it was when there was physical violence. It only escalates, it doesn't get better.  I wish I had known how to recognize all the abuse that is emotional and mental and very damaging. I would have left sooner. So now I try to share what I have learned, tell my story and help friends choose peace. We will never build world peace if we can't create peace in our homes. Building peace, one heart at a time.  

"The stress laid in the statements of Bahá'u'lláh and Άbdu'l-Bahá on love and harmony as the hallmark of marriage, and in view of Άbdu'l-Bahá's exhortation that each member of the family must uphold the rights of the others, makes it clear that violence in the family is contrary to the spirit of the Faith and a practice to be condemned. It is clear that no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, whether emotional, mental or physical. Such a reprehensible action would be the very antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined by the Bahá'í writings — a relationship governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of any form of abuse, including force, to compel obedience to one’s will."

Letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, dated April 12, 1990, to a National Spiritual Assembly, in The Local Spiritual Assembly Handbook, 3rd ed., pp. 260-261

NO ONE SHOULD BE SUBJECTED TO TYRANNY

"From the pen of Bahá'u'lláh Himself has come the following statement on the subject of the treatment of women:

The friends of God must be adorned with the ornament of justice, equity, kindness and love. As they do not allow themselves to be the object of cruelty and transgression, in like manner they should not allow such tyranny to visit the handmaidens of God. He, verily, speaketh the truth and commandeth that which benefiteth His servants and handmaidens. He is the Protector of all in this world and the next.

No Bahá'í husband should ever beat his wife, or subject her to any form of cruel treatment; to do so would be an unacceptable abuse of the marriage relationship and contrary to the Teachings of Bahá'u'lláh."

Letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, dated January 24, 1993, to an individual believer

Peace and prosperity every day

When times of tests come, my heart goes to this beach. Six years ago when I was experiencing domestic violence in my home and I finally asked for a separation, I had to go to my parents home in Juneau, Alaska as I waited for my husband to move out of our home.  It took 6 weeks. Six weeks of waiting.

This beach called to me. I sat here in my parents car in tears and saying prayers asking for help to save my marriage. I found serenity on this beach. A deep calm came to me. Was it the knowledge that the Longhouses once stood here?  Is it the energy of generations upon generations living their lives here on this beach?  From time immemorial is how our oral histories record.  

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since I sat on this beach for a couple hours. Flying to Anchorage was cheaper with a stop over in Juneau!  Picnicking with Thai take out with Mary and little William. I watched the sun come out and the clouds dance. I heard the echos of Tlingit songs. An eagle came by and I said Gunalcheesh. I asked the eagle to bring their family by to say hello and slowly watched 8 eagles come and soar in the high, high sky. A bit stunned when I realized there were 8 tiny specks flying above us.  

The water called to me. So I stuck my toes in. I was expecting the water to be freezing, but right near the edge was quite warm. We are taught the water can heal us.  I soaked up all the energy from the water. My feet were happy feet. 

When I was on that beach six years ago, I thought of the relatives that had been born on that beach, who delivered their children on that beach, who died on that beach.  Generations and generations praying and praising the Creator, God, Allah.  The One.  I thought of the historic trauma that has seized the world as we have lived through the birth pains of a global community being born.  And I knew our visionaries saw a time in the future when we would all live in peace and prosperity. 

I knew it was my job to create peace in my life today. So that the next generation could continue building peace until one day it is a reality on this blessed planet of ours. And the Creator's desire for us to live in peace has been fulfilled. When I was a teen I thought we could instantly agree to peace, but now I have learned peace is built every single day. Peace is built when we build justice in our lives every day.

The sun was warm when the forecast had been rain.  Mary says, "Leigh Anne comes to town and the sun comes out."  I laughed and replied, "I have good karma."  Chuckles. And I know my Ancestors cherish me. 

R U ready to be a Champion of Justice?

Champions of Justice.  This is what the Universal House of Justice (the international governing body of the Baha'is) asks us to be. What does champion mean?   Champion- someone who fights or speaks publicly in support of a person, belief, cause, etc. 

After my visit the other day and our sharing about what alcoholism and addiction is doing to our family and our friends, I have to say we as a Baha'i community could be doing more to support individuals, families and communities in their struggles. It is a law of our Faith to be alcohol and drug free. But what does that mean when we live in a society that alcoholism and addictions surround us? On some levels there is still great shame about these diseases as individuals struggle with Recovery and relapse. That's why AA is Alcoholics Anonymous.  Because there was in the past tremendous shame about these diseases. 

Living in Indian Country anonymous doesn't really work. In tiny Baha'i communities it doesn't work either. EVERYONE knows who is struggling. Everyone. Only in the past couple years as I have used Al-Anon in my life did it occur to me in my almost 40 years of being a Baha'i that never have I heard alcoholism or addiction formally discussed within a Baha'i community. Why is that?

As a person who comes from Indian Country where we are genetically predisposed to Addiction and where the consequences of historical trauma still are felt daily through Racism, poverty, violence, lack of access to education, it's a bit bewildering. How are we as Baha'is systematically assisting our own members who struggle with Alcoholism and Addiction?  Do we hide in shame? Are we paralyzed by guilt?  Do we somehow feel unworthy because our parent, sibling or child is an alcoholic or an addict? 

I have had Baha'i friends thank me privately for my writing about Al-Anon because they have loved ones who struggle. I think it is long over due that we as a community talk about alcoholism and addiction and what are ways we can help families today and what are some long term plans and goals to help families in 5 years, in 10 years. If we don't have a goal, we will NEVER achieve progress. 

Let's be Champions of Justice. Let's look to the Sacred Writings and find ways to help families. I heard some people respond with "let's pray for them". I say let's use the Revelation and Teachings of Baha'u'llah and our principle of the harmony of science and religion and begin to use some science along with our prayers. 

If you have a family member past or present struggling I challenge you to be a Champion of Justice. Find someone in your life to talk to about this need in our community and take some action. It could be to buy some Al-Anon books and keep them at Baha'i Feast. Or to keep a list of local meetings and phone meetings posted in a Baha'i space. 

There is absolutely no excuse for us not to be proactive in helping families. There is no place for denial, shame or guilt in our Baha'i community. We are here to help heal the world. And it's by being Champions and speaking up that we will change the world. 

Ferries, potholes, the mythic and the mystical.

Yesterday was an odd day.  Usually when I start a day off with a plan everything goes smoothly and I'm grateful for the insights and experiences I gain. But yesterday there seemed to be potholes, what I call those life events that can effect our day anywhere from having to swerve a little to avoid them or the ones that seem to swallow the car and kill a tire and take up the whole day.

My first pothole happened as I was running a little behind to catch the ferry to Seattle to go to the Seattle Art Museum library. As I was driving down the road in the steady rain,  I was debating whether or not if I had enough time to park my car and walk on or if I should just drive on, besides it was raining, really raining. The difference is about about $35, to park and walk on costs $20 to drive on and park in Seattle costs at least $55. So I decided I'd park and walk on.  Besides I had dressed for the rain, rain proof boots and my waterproof jacket, a little rain wouldn't hurt. 

As I turned into the parking lot it was completely full!  It took me a few moments to realize I'd never seen it this full in the two years I'd lived here and then I saw people walking with Mariners caps on.  So I decided to drive on the ferry, it was that or go home.  By the time I made it out of the parking lot full of other cars doing the same thing I was and got in line, the ferry was full. I was about 10 cars too late. If I hadn't decided to try to park, I would have made the 11:30 ferry. Darn!  So now I had an hour to kill.  

I would be on the 12:20 ferry.  It was a little disappointing, I was excited to go to the Seattle Art Museum library and research the Native Art in their permanent collection.   The library is only open to the public Wednesday-Friday 10-4 pm.  This would just shorten my time in the library after a quick appointment. (I've been searching for someone I like near home for eyebrow waxing, but haven't found one, so I go to Nordstrom Spa in the mean time. Chuckles.)  I'd arrive about 12:55 and I'd have 20 minutes to drive to my 1:15 appointment at 6th and Pine.  I called ahead to let them know I may run a few minutes behind. 

I've learned when my plans change unexpectedly to just shift gears, go with the flow and keep my head up looking for things I wouldn't see otherwise.  So I decided to walk to Blackbird Bakery (0.46 miles thanks to my watch/pedometer) to buy my favorite gluten free chocolate chip cookies. It was a nice walk in the rain. But I misjudged how long it would take me and I had to jog back to my car and jump in as people were waiting for me to load!  

Eek. I was only a few cars late. I felt bad, but not long ago I would have felt terrible guilt about making others wait for me.  And I do wish I could apologize. But I didn't let the guilt ruin my day or make me feel bad about myself. Life has taught me people make mistakes. And it's ok.  We can't be perfect. I try to be gracious when others make a mistake, but it takes a little more work to be as gracious with myself. I am constantly learning more skill not to put pressure on myself to be perfect, a terrible consequence of having a hero role in an unhealthy family system. 

I made my appointment with a few minutes to spare. And I arrived at the SAM library a little after 2 o'clock. I was just a bit shocked to see a sign on the door saying the library would be closed to the public on Wednesday July 23. I opened the door and went in while trying to figure out what day it was!  Realizing it was today.

Pot hole Number 2!  My first reaction was extreme disappointment. I'd been planning all week to go to the SAM library and begin research. It's no small thing to schedule a date, invest my day and the cost of travel to get into the City. I wasn't sure when I could come back.   Maybe Friday, but next Wednesday-Friday one of my closest friends is coming to visit and the week after that I'll be in Anchorage, so it could be in 3 weeks!  I have learned that rules can be slightly bent depending on who you talk to. I noticed someone sitting at a table reading and decided I would sit and read until someone showed up.

The first person I talked to (an employee with a badge) came in and didn't know the library was closed until reading the sign on the door. I told her my predicament, that I come in from Suquamish and it's not easy to get here and if she didn't mind I'd just read off the Modernism in the Pacific Northwest display shelf (no restacking necessary). She said she didn't see why not. 

I picked up a book, Tobey is 80: a Retrospective. I skimmed through the plates (pictures) of artwork and began to read. The foreword is by John Fuller the first director of the SAM. The essay accompanying the text is by Betty Bowen, who I only know through a grant in her name.  I have learned about John Fuller from my tour with Modernism in the Pacific Northwest : The Mythic and the Mystical.  He was instrumental in patronizing (does that work in this context? Lol) Mark Tobey. He bought Tobey's work throughout his career and during the Depression when artists were desperate for work.  

Betty Bowen writes, "The Pike Place Market, a colorful farmers' market in downtown Seattle, had always been "the heart of Seattle" to Tobey - a slice of the Kingdom of God, reflecting his Baha'i Faith in the oneness of all earth's creatures."  Reading about Mr. Tobey's love for the Pike Place Market and how he sees it as a slice of the Kingdom of God is such a precious moment for me.  To get to know an artist and his work who shares my same passions, to express himself and his perspective in this vast and miraculous world and that he loves the Teachings of Baha'u'llah, too.  

I don't know if I would have picked up this book if the library hadn't been closed. I was set on starting to read profiles on the Native Art pieces in the permanent collection, like the Íxt'i Xook Gwalaa/Emaciated Shaman Dagger or the Soul Catcher. Because it was closed I chose to spend my precious time in the library reading about Mark Tobey.  Baha'is believe there is an existence after death. Indians believe Ancestors and those in heaven have a direct impact on our lives.  In an exhibit The Mythic and the Mystical is it too much to wonder if Mark Tobey is sending a guiding light on my journey?  Lol.  What a life to choose, to be an artist is not an easy path.  To see his body of work reviewed when he was 80 years old!  I guess it reminds me that we should follow our passions. We have our whole life ahead of us. I have 40 years left until I turn 80, plenty of time to follow my dreams. 

And just to speak on Synchronicity once more. After finishing at the library I was feeling a little light headed. So I went down to Taste to eat. And decided to catch a ferry home immediately after. It took forever to move a few blocks on 2nd Avenue to get to Madison to head to the ferry. I imagined getting to the ferry line and waiting for a ferry or two, like I did not too long ago. As I inched down 2nd avenue at 5 o'clock I wasn't sure when I'd get home. But as I drove through the ferry ticketing I was thoroughly surprised when he said we'll try to load you on the 5:30, we're still loading. Chuckles. I was the 3rd to the last car.  Sometimes you are meant to catch the ferry and sometimes you just aren't. Chuckles.

Peace in my heart. Prosperity in my home.

Peace and prosperity. That is my goal.  To live in peace and prosperity. I grew up pretty poor.  I just didn't realize it for a long time. And I didn't know that my parents had grown up with way less than I did and both struggled with hunger as children.  My grandparents were also poor as children. My Great Grandmother Susie told my mother growing up that we were from nobility. So at some point my family did experience prosperity. And I interpret that to mean enough food, a home, and the basics needed to survive and to thrive.

As you know I've been thinking about what peace and prosperity means to me in a world bombarded by materialism and the cancer of consumerism while at the same time children across the globe don't have enough food to eat or schools to go to.  Yes, there are hungry kids in our hometowns and college is so expensive it seems like indentured service.  Be the change you want to see in the world.  I guess for me it really starts in my heart, in my home.

This Fall it will be 6 years since when I had to make a life changing decision to choose Peace. It was a challenge to walk away from an illusion of financial security, one that I had just invested 8 years of my life in.  Surviving my spouse being absent for 8 years in medical school and residency, while I was raising our children was the hardest challenge I'd ever been given.  The promise of a future with financial security and freedom got me through those difficult years. 

To realize at the end I had to cut my losses and walk away was very difficult. I walked away without a home, without my education being finished, and with the majority of the responsibility of caring for my daughters and a very unsure financial future.  As I prayed about it, to leave a marriage that was sick and was hurting all of us, including him, and to begin a path of being solely responsible in sheltering my precious daughters, I was anxious. But as I prayed I was sent a message that the Creator is the Ultimate Provider. That as I chose peace in my home, that I chose to model peace for my girls, the Creator would send what we needed. 

Every morning waking in a home free from violence is a precious gift. I had lived in an unsafe home for so long, I had slowly, over the years become some version of myself that could survive in that environment. The real me, seemed to be hidden away somewhere. The last 6 years have been a journey of letting my true self out of where she had hidden.  I have sheltered my dear sweet girls alone. Yes, their father contributes financially and for that I am grateful to the Creator, but the work that raising two girls require demands quite a lot from me.  

I live in peace. I live in a home where each of us is respected, loved and cherished. Not where one person unfairly dominates all the others. I live in a home where we praise and encourage each other, not criticize and blame.  I live in a home where we encourage each other to try new things, not fear mistakes or fear the consequences of violence for making a mistake. 

So I have built peace in my life. Building prosperity is a little trickier. What do I think prosperity is?  Is it home ownership? An college education? A good job?  Chuckles. Well, I have to think a little creatively. For now prosperity means being able to feed my girls, give them a safe home and to help them thrive and become the best human beings they have the potential to become. College, a job and home ownership will come down the road. 

My time on the Canoe Journey and in Bella Bella reminded me just how wealthy I am. The spiritual values I was raised with in the Indian Community and through my family's Faith cannot be bought. We are One Human Family. All we have, has been given to us by the Creator in stewardship for our future generations.  By honoring and respecting ourselves and our Communities, we build peace and healthy ways of life. Love is what heals the heart. One heart at a time we will build world peace. We will build a world of prosperity. 

"O My Servant!  

     The best of men are they that earn a livelihood by their calling and spend upon themselves and upon their kindred for the love of God, The Lord of all the worlds." - Baha'u'llah 

At.óow, Sacred Objects, the Spirit Within and listening to the Ancestors speak to me...

And the story continues...

     Yesterday I was looking for something in the living room, and while I was searching, a book on the shelf caught my eye, the Spirit Within.  I literally laughed out. I have been thinking about buying this book for a while and just looked on Amazon the day before.  I hadn't realized it was in my Mom's collection!  On my short visit to the Seattle Art Museum on Friday, I bought another book, Tangible Visions, Northwest Coast Indian Shamanism and It's Art, because I couldn't find The Spirit Within.  

    The Spirit Within was published by the SAM in 1995 (and it's out of print) on its Northwest Coast Native American galleries.  As I opened up the book, I opened to a section from Nora Marks Dauenhauer on at.óow.  She  explains different aspects of the at.óow, and this passage hit home.

 " For example, a member of the Lukaax.ádi clan from Haines will know and recognize the Íxt'i Xook Gwalaa (Emaciated Shaman Dagger) as our at.óow, with our shuká and shagóon, our past and our future, on it.  We also know that the name Saayina.aat is still carried by one of our women.  If the dagger were still in the family, the women of the Lukaax.ádi as well as anyone connected to it by genealogy,  whether Eagle or Raven, would give or be given spiritual strength and well-being by seeing it, especially in ritual display.  As it is now, the spiritual connection is absent from the clan of its origin, along with the spiritual well-being it once provided.  This is the importance of our art and our at.óow."  P. 23

     This understanding that sacred objects owned by Clans, passed down through generations of guardians, only brought out on special occasions, are believed to give spiritual strength and well-being to descendants of the Clan by seeing it explains a lot to me.  When I first visited the Seattle Art Museum in August 2012, I was immediately drawn to the Tlingit and Tsimshian pieces.  I posted photos of a Tsimshian Soul Catcher, a Klukwan Frog housescreen and a brown Bear Staff from Angoon.  Every time I visit the SAM, I try to walk through the Native Art galleries.  To me it's like visiting family heirlooms. They flame a sense of honor and nobility within my heart. That the People I am descended from were such Master artists gives me a strong sense of pride. I know these objects were collected and sent to museums across the globe.  Our Art is cherished by Art lovers throughout the world.

     

    This explanation of the role these sacred objects play in our lives tells me why my heart longs to see these objects. They have for generations been a part of our spiritual lives. Now the Western trained part of my mind may question how can this be?  How can objects give spiritual strength and well-being?  But the Indian trained part of my mind also knows that the Universe includes spiritual, mystic forces that defy Western beliefs.  Every time I see these objects and the other Tlingit and Tsimshian objects in the SAM, my heart is happy and I feel stronger.

     Now thinking more on the mystical side is it possible these at.óow also long to see me?  After being in close company of our Clans for generations, to be housed so far from home and far from their Clans, to be visited by a descendent and to be talked to with love and endearments?  I hope so!  Or maybe it is the joy of the Ancestors I can feel, that their cherished objects are being visited by a descendant and whispered words of Tlingit.  

     I am ending with a prayer that I turn to when I need strength and well-being. In it describes the connection we have with those in the Next World and the powers of the spiritual realm that can be given to us. 

      O LORD! Help this daughter of the Kingdom to be exalted in both worlds; cause her to turn away from this mortal world of dust and from those who have set their hearts thereon and enable her to have communion and close association with the world of immortality. Give her heavenly power and strengthen her through the breaths of the Holy Spirit that she may arise to serve Thee. Thou art the Mighty One. - 'Abdu'l-Baha

My Passion for Art & Indian Country and the Blessings sent by my Ancestors

     If I thought I couldn't find words to describe the last couple weeks and all the amazing experiences I've had, I am truly stunned by what took place yesterday.  Starting with watching Celebration online, spending two nights in Seattle with my girls on a lovely stay-cation, witnessing the Suquamish Tribe's Ceremony to honor the Killer Whales, seeing the Suquamish Canoes depart for a 500 mile 3 week trip to Bella Bella, hearing the power of amazing drums at the Muckleshoot pow wow and visiting an exhibit of art based on Social Justice by Latoya Ruby Frazier at the SAM.         

     Watching Celebration online for 3 days actually left me feeling high.  Hearing Tlingit spoken, listening to stories of songs and stories of our history that are generations old, seeing so many children speaking Tlingit, and witnessing the wealth of our Peoples made my heart so happy.  I am so grateful I took Tlingit language in college, because now I have some hope of understanding what is being shared, even a tiny bit.  When I watched how much wisdom and knowledge our Peoples possess, I was confident that it is only a matter of time when we reach a point of healing historical trauma that enables us to quickly rebuild our Communities. 

     Witnessing Suquamish's powerful and eloquent honoring of the visits of the killer whales again was a symbol of strength, true wealth and healing of historic trauma. Knowing that Indian dancing and ceremonies were at one time illegal and today we are reviving these Ancient and Sacred traditions, it heals an injury that hurt our preceding generations. The absence of our language, our songs and dances Robert Davidson eloquently carved in We Were Once Silenced.  We have had to slowly research and rebuild, our language, our songs and dances, our Art.

     Listening to the drums at the Muckleshoot Pow Wow is hard to describe.  But the power of the drums vibrate throughout your body.  My heart feels like it expands and a good song can transport you to another dimension.  Time can seem to stop. Seeing the dancers always leaves me amazed. Their strength and agility is magnificent. The Regalia always blows my mind, the sheer volume of talented artists and designers is incredible. Is there another group of people on Earth producing this much artwork simultaneously?

     These three events are proof that we in Indian Country are truly healing the historic trauma we have experienced since our Homelands have been invaded.  Our land, our ways of subsistence, our children and our way of life have all been stolen along this dark path. But we have survived. We self medicate the theft, poverty, racism, violence and grief and now have to deal with consequences of multi-generational addiction.  But even as we still feel the pain of the dark path, the bright Sun of a New Day is dawning. If you look closely you can see the re-birth of Sacred Traditions that heal and bring both prosperity and peace. When Indian Country heals so does the whole human family.

     Robert Davidson shares in the video accompanying Abstract Impulse that the Art, Songs, Dances, Language and Ceremonies are all interwoven. You cannot separate them.  In Tlingit the idea of At.woo from my understanding is objects become so Sacred that they not only represent the Ancestors, but it is believed they are the Ancestors. They are treated with the highest regard and kept safe, our precious treasures.

     So yesterday, Gunalcheesch to the Creator of the Universe and the Ancestors, I was in the presence of so many At.woo that I cannot describe it.  I believe in Synchronicity, that I will be exactly where I am meant to be when I am meant to be. So last Tuesday after a long full 3 days of fun-filled days in the Big City I was debating whether or not I could pull myself together for the Suquamish dinner for the Canoe Journey. I didn't even realize that there was a Ceremony planned, too.  After the honoring of the Killer Whales (my clan by the way, wink), I met Sven from the Burke Museum. He  invited me to come visit. I immediately, that night, emailed and we began discussing a good time for both of us.

     I didn't realized his invitation meant visiting the storage facility at the Burke.  As soon as he brought me in I was stunned by the number of bentwood boxes in front of me.  I recognized the age and period of some of the pieces from the SAM and the catalog of Abstract Impulse.  He and his colleague, Justin, were talking to me and my brain was completely at max capacity. I was trying to look at the precious treasure in front of me AND discern what they were saying. After I understood I was allowed to take pictures, I took photos of nine objects. The Sacred objects are stored in sliding shelves, huge ones, and I can't even remember all of the pieces I saw. It's a blur.  As each shelve was moved and a new shelf was accessed my brain seemed to slow down more and more!

     All day afterwards I felt like I was recovering from shock, not quite fully present. I immediately texted my Mom and sisters to tell them what happened. I called my Dad.  And this morning, I'm still processing one of the most wonderful blessings I have experienced in my life.  My personal journey of flaming my passion for Art and especially Art in Indian Country seems to have arrived at a new level.  

Father's Day is Complicated

     First I have to say Gunalcheesh to the Creator for sending me two fathers!  My biological father and my step father.  Both have made my life and my journey possible.  Looking back on my childhood is complicated because my parents are both Children of Alcoholics. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholic and abandoned their family at some point.  So both my mother and father grew up being raised by super human mothers. 

     Mothers in a time when women had limited choices of career and opportunities. Add on top of that being Indian Filipino women at a time when Racism was overt and painful.  Mom has 5 siblings. Dad has 6.  The stories of my parents and their fathers are mostly sad and full of absence.  Their mothers worked, one went to college, to support the children.  The kids had to watch and care for each other.  The older ones caring for the younger ones.  There were extended times of hunger and poverty was always a flood waiting to crest and fill their lives with crisis.  My Dad recently shared a story of his family living in Seattle as a child, with rats that would come out in the dark of the night. My Mom said this last Thanksgiving, "I don't have happy memories of Thanksgiving as a kid.  We were poor and hungry."

     My parents provided a home where both parents were present until I was about 17. I have fond memories of growing up surrounded by their families in Seattle and San Jose.  I am forever grateful for the absolutely phenomenal women I have the privilege to call Grandma. Both women showered unconditional love and supported us financially, supplementing what my parents could provide.   I have incredible Aunts and Uncles, 4 women and 7 men, who all made an impact on my childhood.  I grew up in a pod of killer whales and a full nest of eagles, my cousins. Neither of my parents drink alcohol, which has been a blessing which I am sure future descendants will honor as a miracle. 

     I grew up being told how smart and talented I was. My oldest memories are being with my family in Seattle (before we moved to San Jose was I was 5).  I remember leaving the Seattle Center once after losing a balloon. A cousin told me the full moon was my balloon following us home. Another memory is of an Uncle babysitting me on a beautiful sunny Seattle day.  In San Jose, an Uncle taught me the Hula and shared his passion for broadway musical albums and Diana Ross.  Their love continues to give me the courage and confidence today to say things I am not sure how others will respond to.  

     My parents separated when I was 17 and divorced soon after.  My sisters were 13 and 6 years old.  Our home had become like a chamber with less and less oxygen.  It was becoming more and more difficult to function.  When I heard that we were separating it felt like I was able to breathe for the first time in a very long time. It felt like I had been not breathing and I hadn't even realized it until the door was opened and air rushed in.

     My mother married again when I was 21. This brought a new father figure into my life. I was married myself several months later. Our Step Father is a perfect balance to our mother. His strengths complemented her weaknesses. And her strengths complemented his weaknesses.  Together they built a true fortress of well-being and it's been a refuge for all of us girls and our families for the last 19 years.  When my marriage was falling apart 13 years later, I took my children to my parents home a continent away when my home was no longer safe and we needed shelter.  Watching the difference of how they tackled disagreement, with consultation, prayer and respect was eye opening. It contrasted so strongly what I was surviving, I knew my marriage was sick. 

     Today my girls father is absent. It took me a good year to figure out after the divorce that being present in their lives was not his priority.  Al-Anon has helped me to understand that expectations leave a door open for disappointment. So I no longer expect him to be present. Al-Anon also taught me that I can't control another person and their choices, what I call "their side of the fence".  I can only control what's on my side of the fence.  So I do the best that I can to make sure that their needs as children are met. And my family supports me.  Yes, there are movements when it pisses me off to be left with the majority of the work that it takes to raise healthy and happy children.  But I don't dwell in anger or resentment (yes, he drives a $40,000 car and the girls don't take art classes, chuckles).  Al-Anon has given me a life free of Insanity.

     My spiritual belief is that the home of peace that I have created for my children is more important than the car I drive, or the clothes they wear, or that I struggle to make ends meet. My grandmothers raised amazing human beings while flooded with the consequences of extreme poverty.  My girls are blessed with a family who loves them exactly the way they are.  They have two grandfathers who love and support them. They have an Uncle who is present in our everyday lives, being a model of what a father and husband looks like when a family is healthy and happy.  They have Great Uncles who shower them with love and gifts.  And it's my prayer there is father on earth that will come in divine time who will love these precious daughters and who wants to be present in their lives everyday. 

     Gunalcheesh to the Creator. 

PS the photo is a House Screen, which symbolizes home and security for me.

Some thoughts after someone has shared their opinion I have a victim mentality! Chuckles.

     My decision to be a stay at home mother was made when my daughter was born in Spring 2001 and her father began medical school that Fall. I balanced the knowledge that he would be very focused for the next 7 plus years, and my most recent job was teaching pre-school in Headstart in a small town in Alaska. I understand the equation about how much salary a mother makes minus how much it costs to pay for child care while she works. I believe I was lucky enough to have a husband who agreed to the financial sacrifice and to live on a meager income on student loans and scholarships to support our small family. 

     Once my daughter was old enough, about 1 1/2,  I got a child care license and looked for a child to care for.  One child.  I felt it would give me just enough income to put food on the table and would be a good ratio for both kids.  I found a family whose father was in medical school and whose mother was working to support their family.  This little guy and his mother became like my family during the years I cared for him.  My daughter considered him her best friend.   We went to parks, to the library, we trekked to the nearby zoo, 45 minutes away.  And I quickly learned caring for two kids who play with each other is actually easier than caring for a single child.

     It was challenging supporting a spouse through medical school.  You know college, it seems like there is always more homework to be done.  It is never over.  My theory was the more I could care for our daughter and the household duties, the more he could study, meaning he would get a good residency placement and our futures would have many opportunities from this investment and sacrifice.  I did all the cooking, laundry, and most of the housekeeping. I did all of the child rearing.   I applied for food stamps when a fellow graduate student spouse informed me we were eligible because student loans is not considered income.  Every bit that added to the food on the table was worth the embarrassment and judgement of the social workers.  I figured we were tax paying citizens in the past and we would again both be in the future. But right now we needed help feeding our daughter.

     When he graduated from medical school, I took partial credit for his high GPA. How many other students had their own personal laundry service and chef for those four years?  Chuckles. And our daughter was well cared for. She was happy, smart and quite an artist even at 4 years old.  He got the residency match we chose. I decided if he was gonna be in a hospital for 80 hours a week for the next 3-4 years, I would rather stay at this hospital where my friends were, my support circle.  My daughter and I had a group of friends of mothers with young kids. Our Baha'i community was my family away from home.  I took my daughter every week to the Prayer Breakfast on Sundays.  It was one meal a week I didn't have to cook for those 8 years. And the Baha'is were so welcoming and embracing. I wouldn't have survived those 8 years without my girlfriends and their children.

     Now when I decided to have child number two I knew it was illogical. I was completely at capacity caring for the one child I had and my husband during a grueling medical education.  But my love for my siblings, my sisters, drove me to throw logic aside. I wanted my children to have the best friends that my sisters are to me.  And so during his first year of residency in January my second daughter was born.  About a year later, trying to balance a budget on a resident's salary, (we no longer qualified for food stamps! Yay) I began to watch a friend's newborn daughter 3 days a week , just 12 weeks old, while she worked.  (The little guy I had watched previously had moved when his father graduated) We had bought a condo thinking it was wiser than paying rent.  But the income was not meeting the expenses.  The eldest was in kindergarten. And the youngest now a toddler had a playmate as the sweet little baby grew.  

     In the 4th year of residency the marriage and our home life had become unmanageable, insane, as I have learned Al-Anon calls that state of living.  The difficulties had slowly escalated over the years.  We separated and eventually divorced as he graduated residency and began his career.  All the hard work and sacrifice I invested in his education, did not produce the returns I had hoped for our family.  I made the conscious decision if life was hell when $10 was being discussed, I knew life would still be hell when $10,000 was being discussed.  

     As I came to terms that the man I had loved for 13 years was no longer a man I could share a home with, when I had accepted that my marriage was not capable of being saved no matter how hard I tried, I shifted gears and focused on co-parenting our children.  I figured our eldest had about nine years of school left til she graduated and the youngest had her full 12 year school career ahead of her.  I visualized us living in the same city. And sharing parenting duties. 

     It took me about a full year to accept that that was not his plan.  He was not interested in being a present parent.  His priorities were elsewhere. So all of his parental duties fell on my shoulders. When our youngest started kindergarten I started taking classes at a local Univeristy.  I had a great time, being a social extravert, spending my days with other adults was such a great treat. I had been based from home for 10 years!!  I was studying psychology because the counseling I'd received throughout the separation and divorce had literally kept me sane!  One day when the kids were sick and I needed someone to watch them so I could go to class, their father refused saying he was too tired after driving twelve hours round trip to see his girlfriend.  It took me a full year to learn to stop asking him when the girls needed something, he always refused.  

   I have to be honest. This choice was actually the one that hurt my heart the most.  Not that we couldn't save the marriage. Not that he had other priorities higher than the care and needs of my children.  But after 8 years of sacrifice and supporting him during his education and caring for my two kids, he did not feel obligated to assist me when it was time for me to return to school. This was the greatest betrayal. He never missed a day of medical school or residency for 8 years or work for 3 years of his career because he had a sick child.  And he couldn't see that was because I was there for the kids.  What parent can say that?  11 years of not having to miss a day of work because of a sick child.

    As I finished a year of college while being a single parent, I knew I couldn't do the job of being the parent the girls needed while studying without more support. As I was deciding about moving closer to my family in another state, the girls' father called me to tell me he was getting married and moving to a city a 6 hour drive away.  My decision was easily made.

     Now I've been where I currently reside for two years. My original plan was to settle the girls into school and start classes in January. That plan was changed when my Step Dad had complications with cancer. And I decided we would rent a home with my parents and support them through cancer.  We had a wonderful 7 months living with Grandpa before he suddenly passed away. He had a high quality of life. The day before he passed away the family went out to brunch. The parents spent the afternoon roaming around Home Depot!  The time spent together is so precious. 

     Some people have criticized me for not taking responsibility for myself because I was not working or going to school. Some have said I have a victim mentality. These were the thoughts that made me start thinking about the journey and decisions that I have made that have brought me to today.  I disagree. I have taken responsibility for myself and for the two children I care for when another chooses to be absent.  I don't feel I am a victim. I feel I have been treated without basic consideration and respect without cooperation and compromise.  But I don't allow that any more.  I have learned how to build strong boundaries.  I don't expect their father to be present or invested in the girls lives. Because his choices have taught me not to.

    I do not regret my choice to be a stay at home mother.  It has been a sacrifice in many ways. Of studying and career building.  Of income.  My children are healthy and happy. They are loved, cared for and know they are cherished by me. They know they are a high priority in my life. And I know eventually the Creator will assist me when it is time for me to go back to school and be the parent these children need and deserve.  I don't regret my difficult marriage. It produced the precious sweet children who are the lights of my life. And I have Faith the Creator will send a partner who will love them and be present in their lives. 

    The artwork of the girls. Evidence of all my hard work and sacrifice!

Some thoughts on understanding Non-Physical Abuse

NO ABUSE OF ANY KIND, WHETHER EMOTIONAL, MENTAL OR PHYSICAL

The stress laid in the statements of Bahá'u'lláh and Άbdu'l-Bahá on love and harmony as the hallmark of marriage, and in view of Άbdu'l-Bahá's exhortation that each member of the family must uphold the rights of the others, makes it clear that violence in the family is contrary to the spirit of the Faith and a practice to be condemned. It is clear that no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, whether emotional, mental or physical. Such a reprehensible action would be the very antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined by the Bahá'í writings — a relationship governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of any form of abuse, including force, to compel obedience to one’s will.

Letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, dated April 12, 1990, to a National Spiritual Assembly, in The Local Spiritual Assembly Handbook, 3rd ed., pp. 260-261

I find it fascinating that the Universal House of Justice (the supreme International Administrative body elected by Baha'is worldwide every 5 years) lists abuse as emotional, mental or physical.  I had never thought about separating the emotional from the mental abuse.  It made me pause.  What is the difference between them?  Emotions are how you FEEL. And mental is what you THINK.  How does one abuse your emotions and your thinking processes?  In this same passage the UHJ also says says any form of abuse, including force, to compel obedience to one's will.  So for me this means a person's actions that affect how you FEEL and what you THINK to get you to do what THEY WANT.

Non-physical abuse is hard to recognize if you are not familiar or have not been trained or taken time to study current research.  Because the "weapons" abusers use are the same actions we all use in anger, losing our temper and when arguments heighten.  It's my belief many people shy away from identifying emotional and mental abuse in others because they are familiar with the behaviors themselves. But the difference between "normal" use of yelling, raising our voice, occasionally using a swear word, giving someone the silent treatment, etc..  and a relationship  of abuse is the cycles and patterns of those behaviors that create an abusive environment.

If you have a healthy relationship, these occasional expressions of anger can be expressed without changing the power structure of a relationship.  Power structure may seem to be a big concept. But really it means do both partners have equal decision making power over time?  Of course, there are times when a couple can't find agreement and in another passage from the Universal House of Justice, the wife and husband are advised to take turns deferring to each other.  

In an unhealthy relationship, the power structure is unbalanced when one partner dominates, in extreme cases this domination creates tyranny in a marriage.  (Tyranny: cruel and unfair treatment by people with power over others 3 : a rigorous condition imposed by some outside agency or force 4 : an oppressive, harsh, or unjust act : a tyrannical act). In the book Advancement of Women by Janet and Peter Khan, Baha'i scholars, share that "while the cause of marital breakdown can be many, one common cause is domination of the wife by the husband "(p.115).  

It does not take physical abuse to create an unbalanced power structure in a marriage.  A pattern of using emotional and mental manipulation can create a relationship with unbalanced decision making power with one partner dominating the other.  It's any actions that compel the other partner to do what THEY WANT over and over again.  It can be verbal, emotional, financial, neglect, damaging property, harassment, isolation, using threats, blaming and minimizing their abusive actions.

The photo is from Why Does He Do That?  Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men p.55

I heART Art, Part Two or Art & Activism, building peace in my life

     The artist, Ai Weiwei, is internationally known as a contemporary artist and outspoken dissident.   When I read the signage accompanying these bold colored vases, understanding that they are created by someone who is known as an outspoken dissident in China tells me a lot.  He is brave and courageous, in my opinion a Champion of Justice. To speak out in opposition to his government in China means something far greater than speaking out against our government here in the USA means for us.  While sitting at the bar counter in the Taste cafe of the Seattle Art Museum recently I talked to a lady who visited Ai Weiwei in his home.  She said he cannot leave China, cannot leave Beijing, but anyone can come visit him.  And she said it was obvious there were security cameras watching his home.

     I cannot imagine!  Having your home under surveillance.  Not being able to leave your country or the city you live in!  She also mentioned that because of the world's eyes being watchful, he is also somewhat protected.  The world would protest if he was harmed.

     I visited the Seattle Asian Art Museum for the first time on April 5th.  I am not familiar with Asian Art (being raised more actively in the Native American community than the Filipino community).  As I walked through the galleries of ceramics, paintings and objects I was somewhat lost.  I didn't have the context to understand what I was looking at. My routine when seeing a new art exhibit is to do a quick walk through and then come back to visit my favorite pieces.  I stopped and looked at a huge piece, a 17th Century/1800's hanging scroll depicting a story of Buddha. It was faded from time but the artistry was phenomenal. I am not very familiar with Buddha's life or teachings.  But it reminds me of the huge Nativity scene from the exhibit Peru: Kingdom of the Sun and Moon.  A teaching tool. Telling the story of the life of Christ.

     Ai Weiwei's colored vases are traditional vases dipped in bold colors. A symbol of our Ancient story being disguised by today's contemporary culture yet still powerfully present.  When thinking about the courage of Ai Weiwei to use his art to stand up for justice and freedom, it makes me think of Joan Miro and his opposition to the Franco dictatorship and regime that held captive his home of Spain for nearly 40 years, ending just in 1976.  When I think of Spain, I don't think of a dictatorship or tyranny and oppression.  But really it's barely 40 years since they have been free.  As an American, I take the freedom of speech and the freedom to vote for granted. I am privileged with this luxury in a world full of tyranny and oppression.

     These artists inspire me to say the hard things that need to be said.  There are women and children in our community made vulnerable by the actions and choices of unhealthy and selfish men.  I am not saying that all men are unhealthy or selfish. I am deeply grateful for the men in my life who cherish their partners and protect, not harm, their women and children.  But the women who are hurt emotionally, psychologically with or without physical violence by their intimate partners need our support and encouragement. 

     One to help them see that they are indeed living with dominance, tyranny and oppression in their homes.  Two to help aid them in their relationship, to find ways of building autonomy and freedom in their daily lives. Three to support them to leave if and when they are ready.  I have to say that it's not only men who can be unhealthy and selfish and harm their families, but they tend to be the majority in numbers and men have more power in our historically patriarchal American society.  Men who use children as tools for control.  Men who leave women without their fair share of martial or familial resources make the children more vulnerable. When you leave a women to struggle to make ends meet, you leave your children more vulnerable.

     I have a friend whose husband during the divorce lived in the family home, causing his children to live elsewhere. And when the family home was finally awarded to the mother and children they moved back in only to receive notice the mortgage hadn't been paid and the house was in foreclosure.  What was that father thinking?  I have another friend whose home was purchased with her family's inheritance she received because she has a chronic illness and cannot study or work, and in divorce proceedings the husband is asking for half of the value of the house. Leaving his children vulnerable because the mother will be more vulnerable.

     It's my experience that our community does not speak to these men. They don't show them how selfish these acts are, how harmful they are for their children or ask them to step up and be a mature and responsible father and ensure the safety and security of their children through the safety and security of the mother of their children.

     In my own path, I also gave up a home, to leave my marriage. But for me the lack of consideration and obligation was even more injurious when it was time for me to return to school.  My youngest daughter was starting kindergarten and I began to take classes part-time. When I needed help scheduling their visits with their father around my class and homework schedule, there was no cooperation.  When the kids were sick and I needed help so I could go to class.  There was no sense of reciprocity. I had helped him become a doctor. For 8 years of my life I cared for our children so he could go to school. He never missed a class or a shift at the hospital because one of his kids was sick. But when it was time for me to go to school post-divorce, there was no awareness of the debt he owed me.   To my knowledge no one has called him on this.  No one has pointed out to him the lack of consideration he has for the well-being of his daughters.

     My belief is we cannot achieve world peace if we cannot build peace in our homes, our families, and our daily lives.  If you know of a woman in the middle of divorce, divorced or parenting as a single parent, reach out to her. Encourage her. Take her out for coffee.  Or bring by a meal, so she can take a break from planning, cooking, cleaning and storing a dinner.  Pick up the kids to take them to the park. Or to the museum! (You know my passion for museums). And if you are really brave take out the father for coffee and ask him what's going on and how is he ensuring the well-being of his children. 

      Art.  Activism.  Building strong and healthy homes and communities will create more peace in the world. 

I heART Art, Part One

     I spent two days surrounded by art.  The first was at the SAM downtown and the second was my first visit to the Seattle Asian Art Museum at Volunteer Park.  Art is my passion.  My elixir of life.  When I spend time with art, the fire of my soul burns brighter.  My inner battery recharges. There is something about looking at a piece of art and looking for the message the artist is sending out. I always want to know the life of the artist, what journey did they travel.

   The Miro exhibit, the Experience of Seeing is focused on Joan Miro (pronounced like Juan),

his late works, 1963-1981.  On my first walk through of this exhibit with my daughter's 7th grade class in early March 2014, I was quite lost. The very strange looking bronze sculptures looked like junk on first glance, chuckles. His huge paintings are abstract and very simple looking.  I knew nothing about him or his career.  

     Looking over a timeline of his life, I began to get a picture of who Miro is.  Born in 1893 in Barcelona in the region of Catalonia in Spain.  Living through World War I and the taking over of his country by a tyrannical dictator, Franco in 1939.  He is a contemporary of Picasso. Knowing the little I know about classic paintings, I could immediately see how unique Miro's paintings were. On a tour with the 7th graders, I learned more about the symbols Miro uses. How a teardrop stands for woman.  There are a LOT of tear drops in his work!! Chuckles. His use of primary colors is strong in symbolism, blue representing the soul.  Today this very abstract art doesn't raise an eyebrow but I can only imagine what people thought in the early days of his career.

     In the catalog for this exhibit I read about how Miro and his peers protested against the Franco regime.  It inspired in me great admiration.  To put your life on the line to stand up against injustice when people were being arrested and killed for political opposition.  Over Spring break, during my second visit to Miro a tour with amazing docent Marilyn taught me more about the lost wax process of bronze casting.  Miro collected objects on his walks and began to build sculptures out of them.  The sculpture would be cast and then a bronze sculpture would be created.  Again teardrops are seen throughout. Yes!  He loves women. Chuckles. 

     I want to talk about two sculptures first is the Warrior King, a spoon acts as an arm or as scepter.  A battered piece of wood makes up the body.  We are asked to caption this piece in a contest to win a trip to Spain (enter by April 15, 2014 on the SAM's Facebook page). The warrior kings I know are Chief Seattle, Chief Joseph, Crazy Horse and Geronimo.  I don't know what Miro was saying with his Warrior King, but to me it reminded me of the honorable warriors who protected their people, whose stories of heroism inspire me today. To be brave and courageous, to stand up for justice and for those who cannot defend themselves.

     The second is titled Bull's Head.  Marilyn, the amazing docent, shared how scary this piece looked to her.  It looks like a Monster out of Monster's Inc. A creature hiding in the closet waiting to make us scream. A horn sticks out prominently big fangs look like they will dig deep.  Marilyn shared this piece was made in 1970 in response to Franco's order of the death of 6 political opponents.   I was born in 1973. Franco dies in 1975 freeing Spain after 36 years of being held hostage by a tyrant.  I don't know where I have been all my education, did I just not understand what the World Wars were about?  Was I too young?  Was I too sheltered by the luxury of being born in America? Were the lessons watered down so I didn't quite understand the oppression so many people lived through for decades?  1975!  Isn't this the disco party decade here in the USA?  To think Spain was in a choke hold without political freedom 40 years ago. To think how many nations today are still living without the freedom of speech, the freedom to elect their leaders.

  Miro's courage inspires me to speak up to say the hard things that need to be said today. 

Don't forget to like the SAM on Facebook and enter to win a trip to Spain by captioning one of his works.