This morning I had a challenging time deciding what to write about. I thought about some of the conversations I've had with friends and what tools I've shared with them recently: Take Some Space, Walk Out the Door, Nurture Yourself, Read Your Traffic Signal, Make Time for Joy Every Day, Drop the Rope of Tug of War, and just this morning, When You See A Bear Walk Away to A Safe Distance, meaning if your partner is angry give them space and Do Not Engage.
The common thread behind the majority of these skills is our significant relationship, and within them the patterns of women being dominated by men. "What? We live in America in the year 2013? Women and men are equal. I believe women and men are equal, so does my husband, so it must be true, right?" I was surprised when I read in the book Advancement of Women by Janet and Peter Khan, "While the causes of marital breakdown can be many, one common cause is domination of the wife by the husband." (Page 115)
Again lets look at the Big Picture humans have been humans on earth for 200,000 years. In 1920, the 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote in the USA. That's just under a 100 years. That's 1900 years since Jesus Christ walked the earth. So after 199, 900 years of life on Mother Earth women were given the right to vote. In the 1960's a women's liberation movement spread throughout the world. And our country still has not passed an Equal Pay for Equal Work law. It's only been a few decades that women working out of the home has been more common than those who do not. To understand the Big Picture, we need to understand what patriarchy is and how it has worked for thousands of years.
Patriarchy- from Merriam-Webster Dictionary app
1 : social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line; broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power
2 : a society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy
Both of these definitions are present in our daily lives, our homes modeled on the blend of both of our original families have models of patriarchy, dependence of women on men, and a disproportionately large share of decision making power. Our schools and work places also have patterns where men dominate especially in roles of leadership and management. I was astounded one day looking at a wall of the pictures of the Chiefs of Surgery of the Virginia Mason Hospital in Seattle last year, and there was one women in 100 years since their beginning in 1920.
I had a conversation with a Baha'i woman in the Fall of 2008 when I was seeking a separation from my husband about the Equality of Women and Men and what it means in our lives today. She said, "I would like to talk about this in our community...we both work 40 hour a week jobs. But when we come home at night, I cook dinner, start the laundry and help the kids with their home work. But he is playing on the computer."
I think martial difficulties are like cancer. If you can identify (diagnosis) them early, and get therapy (treatment), you have a higher success rate of healing the marriage (curing). If you wait too long and ignore symptoms, by the time you get to a therapist (doctor), the difficulties have grown larger and spread to different areas of marital life (tumors grow larger and spread throughout organ systems) and the rate of curing is much lower.
In the Baha'i Faith, in a message written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, our International governing body, states a couple in need of assistance should not hesitate to consult "professional marriage counselors, individually and together if possible, and also to take advantage of the supportive counseling which can come from wise and mature friends." I used this passage as a prescription in my own marriage, but it my opinion by that time our difficulties were past Stage Four and our marriage was not curable.
Before I found this passage in Advancement of Woman, I suffered silently. I was in Year Three of Toxic Stress when I was feeling like I was going crazy from the misery of my marriage, and I felt like I was the only one suffering. Within a few weeks, 3 Baha'i couples told me they had used marriage counseling or were in counseling. I was so shocked. These couples looked perfectly happy and cooperative whenever I saw them in public. I had never known anyone who had gone to marriage counseling. What a blessing to know I was not alone, and every couple has their challenges. I'm sorry to say all three of those couples are divorced today. Divorce truly is a cancer and an epidemic in our society. And it's not what's wrong with Leigh Anne and her husband. It's what's wrong with our community, and all our marriages and the lack of support for marriage and family life.
Challenge: So what can we do? One: is if you are married and you can see these inequalities in your marriage, go see a counselor and ask them to help identify areas of inequality and how to build skills and systems for equality. Go alone if you have to. And keep asking your spouse to join you. Two: f you are a part of a community, ask the Community and it's leaders to have discussions about the Equality of Women and Men and how to support married couples who are having difficulties. And three: if you have a friend who is suffering from an unequal marriage talk to her, share with her your concerns and be a listening ear and encourage her to seek professional counseling and use wise and mature friends for support.
Additional reading:
A compilation on Women
http://reference.bahai.org/en/t/c/CW/
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