Break the Silence... Break the Cycles

One of my friends...  Someone who has known me since I was 14... Told me they have seen my posts on Facebook and everything looked happy. So they could not tell that I'd been living in crisis for the past year. 

So I thought I must be doing something wrong!  

One of the biggest things to help me through life's greatest storms is to know I am NOT alone. When I realized my marriage had patterns of domestic violence. Going to a support group was my best tool for healing. Hearing other women tell their stories. 

I heard from women whose intimate partners lied and neglected their children, who told friends and family she was cheating on him, women who had bones broken and women who were almost killed.

A woman who was stabbed and had recently been in the hospital close to death said emotional abuse is the worst. Worse than physical abuse. My body heals with time. But my emotions are still healing. That is what blows my mind. 

I was able to learn that some partners use words as weapons. Some use manipulation. Some use physical violence. But it is all to get what they want. To get their way. 

Hearing other woman share their story helped me understand mine. No, my husband didn't need to hit me to get his way. Yelling, cussing, calling me names, banging around the house, breaking things, refusing to discuss finances.... Those all got him exactly what he wanted. 

For years. 

As the level of abuse escalated. And as it increased in frequency it lead to a crisis. 

I left the house after what I describe as the first incident of physical abuse. My family took me and the girls in. I asked for a separation. Which lead to counseling. And finally divorce. Which opened a whole new arena of control issues. I was left with the children 28 days of the month. I was actually celebrating having 2 nights off a month. 

It took years before I realized how out of the range of normal that was. 

It's been 5 years since the divorce. 3 years since I moved out of state. And although I am relatively safe my children still suffer. So when they are unsafe, so am I. 

It's tricky to share something so complex. But I guess I will need to find a more balanced approach to what I post on Facebook. Because my life has been hell for the past year. And my friends should know it. I know others will experience stress and life storms. And the worst is believing that you are the only one. 

The only way to break the cycles is to break the silence. 

We are only as sick as our secrets. 

And the only way women will leave an abusive home is if she has someplace safe to go. So it's our job, the friends and family to help her know she should leave. And help her find a safe place to go as she rebuilds her life. My family took me in. My family fed me and my children. My family supported that I deserved a home where respect and love were the guiding forces, not control and manipulation. 

And since then I've helped two of my friends leave unhealthy homes. Homes should be a refuge. A place to be nurtured. Not a place where you have to be prepared for constant conflict or harm. They and their children are recovering and healing. It's a long path. What's worse than being hurt by the person who should protect you?  

So please when you see a friend struggling with issues of control, abuse, violence. Tell her she should leave. And tell her you will be there to hold her hand as she walks the path out of hell. And when she goes back to him. Know statistics say a woman tries to leave 7 times before she can finally leave. So don't give up on her!  

And 5 years later for me. I'm still dealing with having an unhealthy co-parenting relationship. So I still need my family and friends to support me. It is a long road to recovery. 

My Longhouse is called Daybreak Star...A Nation of Many Tribes.

My Tribe is a Nation of many Tribes. My homeland is all of Turtle Island. My village is the village of Seattle. My Longhouse is called Daybreak Star. My Chiefs are Chief Seattle, Chief Joseph, Crazy Horse and Geronimo.

My fellow villagers growing up are members and descendants of Tribes from all across our homelands because we have intermarried- into all the Tribes of Turtle Island and across our global village. 

My cousins are a rainbow of the shades of human. 

My clan is the Killer Whales of Old Metlakata where I have never been. Because Creator sent my family on a journey. To New Metlakata. Where my heart is always on the beach. 

I am a child of the Tlingit Nation born 3 rd generation in the Coast Salish territory. My infancy and preschool years were spent in Suquamish/Duwamish territory and in Little Boston. Under the shelter of the shadows of Old Man House. It may have been burnt down by a government agent. But it's spirit still shelters us all. 

My friends of my youth were the descendants and relatives of Chief Joseph. Their story taught me the atrocities our Nation of many Tribes has suffered, has survived. And that we are still trying to look for our children and care for our elders post battle. 

I was educated by the Puyallup Tribe. Chief Leschi hung on a lie. I was taught and trained to be a leader. I was sent to Washington, D.C.  To UNM to study journalism . To the Northwest Indian youth conferences. All before I was 17. These were gifts no public school would have ever given me. I was taught I didn't have to say the pledge of allegiance to start my day. I was taught our culture from a Tlingit teacher. I was mentored by Native women and men. 

I went to my Ancestral home for the first time when I was 16. This is when I learned what being Tlingit meant for the first time. That the land loves me. That my Ancestors energy and love vibrates through the mountains, the sea, the forests and they were all happy we were home after a journey my great-grandmothers all started when they married Filipino men and migrated south. 

I was raised in a refugee camp. In Seattle Washington. I was raised with Indians all post battle. But I didn't know that. All I knew was my heart beats stronger when ever I hear the drums of our pow wows. When ever I hear the bells on the men's outfits. I am a member of a Nation of Many Tribes because our homelands were stolen and we were scattered abroad. 

In 1992 I was sent to two gatherings of Baha'is. One in Haifa, Israel to observe the 100th Anniversary of the passing of Baha'u'llah. 3,000 people gathered from across the globe. 19 people from each country with a Baha'i community. And I represented Alaska. At 18.  The other one in NYC with 30,000 Baha'is from across the planet. This taught me the true wealth of humanity rests in the gifts of each of our Peoples. And when we all gather together to work on bettering the world, nothing will stop us. 

In 1995 I lived a school year in the North of Siberia. This taught me what it is like to live without money. To live on what your family grows in your garden. To live without electricity. I didn't live in the village but I taught there. I saw a school where almost all the teachers were Indigenous. The Superintendent was an Indigenous woman. No one has money but they all had access to college education. The doctors in the clinic were Indigenous. The employees of the Atate government were Indigenous. Blows my mind. 

This taught me the intention of my country the USA. To keep college education away from Indian children. To keep us in poverty. To keep us disempowered. To keep us colonized. 

In 2001 I became a mother. And that has been my profession for 14 years. An honor and a privilege. 

I also survived domestic violence. I have been on a journey of healing for 7 years. That is what has brought me back to the land of the Suquamish. Where my sister has married into the Tribe. My nieces and nephews are now descendants of this territory. That is when I learned that the Spirit of Old Man House is alive and shelters us all. When I was exhausted post trauma and I found shelter and a family to love us, here. The Lawrence Clan. 

What does it mean to be human beings today?  

This is defined mostly by our prison wardens. How much blood of ONE Tribe do you have?  

No. We are a Tribe of Many Nations. And this is our Homeland. And we will not be colonized any more. We will not sit quietly when you break the treaties your Ancestors signed with no intention of keeping their word.  We will not be quiet as our children suffer in schools full of the cancer of Racism. We will not be quiet when our Elders are in need. We will not be quiet when our Veterans/warriors aren't being honored for their sacrifice and cared for properly post battle. We will not be quiet when you break your own laws. 

Yes. We all have Ancestral homelands. And we all have Tribal Sovereignty. But Creator has created a new Nation. And we are stronger and more full of potential than ever before. As we decolonize and become aware of the strength of Indian Country, we will heal our Peoples. And we will lead the global village to our true destiny which is Peace. 

This is what our Sacred Stories tell us. A time will come when the family of Humankind will gather as one and build peace and prosperity for all. 

This is why the world is in labor pains. Birthing a day of peace. We will say no to injustice. We will build systems of justice. And our children's children's children will live in peace. 

This will be done as we practice our Ancient Sacred ways of life and apply them to our communities to heal. And we teach others how to heal by using the Sacred. 

How to be a Strong Canoe and How to Stop Death by Tug of War

To pray is not to read the Bible. 

To pray is to 

trust in Creator and accept His Will. 

You must be patient and accept the Will of Creator, 

then things will change for you. 

Put your family in Creator’s hands. 

Trust in Creator and love His Will. 

Strong canoes are not conquered by the sea; they ride the waves! Now be a strong canoe, not a battered one.

(Gloria Faizi, Stories About ‘Abdu’lBahá) 

These instructions from 'Abdul-Baha guide me through all my storms.  If you know me well, you know there are storms in my life that I have no control over and at this time I cannot remove the source of theses storms from my life. So I use the tools and skills Creator sends to me to be a Strong Canoe and to ride the waves.

One of the most important skills to learn is that Creator ALWAYS sends you the tools and skills you need to navigate EVERY storm.  You have to be on the look out for them. Or you might miss them completely. Sometimes it is an article, a book, a meme on Facebook, or a person.

For me, my biggest tool is Al-Anon.  Because of the 12 Steps and the community of people seeking Serenity.  Al-Anon teaches me how to build Serenity in my life everyday. No matter how strong the storm is brewing.  Torrential rains.  Take winds.  Flash flooding.  All these can be happening, and I can guide my Canoe through them.  Of course, there is an  initial emotional reaction, but after I can clear off my vision and look forward past the red hot emotions of anger, frustration, powerlessness, I can see my way out. 

I cannot control another person. I can only control myself. 

So what can I do on my side of the fence that makes the storm easier to navigate?  

One of my favorite tools to use is called Wisemind.  We learn it in Healthy and Whole.  (An awesome class created at Suquamish Wellness Center). It takes you through our emotional reaction, identifies what emotions we are feeling and how strongly we are feeling them, what else is true (list of facts) and then helps us find what is "right for right now" using both our emotions and our logic to create a solution that works for us in the moment. 

So let's take something simple. A text. An email. Comes in. And it is the same old garbage that has been thrown on your side of the fence a hundred times. You've been over this issue over and over again.  You are very clear about your boundary and your expectations.  And the person still acts as if you have never had a dozen conversations about this issue.

Number one for me is not to reply immediately. 

I used to reply instantaneously. With an angry response. 

Now unless it's urgent, which it is not 90% of the time.  I wait 24 hours. 

And I use Wisemind. 

I validate my emotions. I gauge how strongly I am feeling them.  I list what else is true. (Yes we have had this conversation a dozen times!). And I decide on what is right for me.

Now boundaries (good fences is what I like to call them), are continually growing stronger.  What I believed to me within my rights 5 years ago, 1 year ago is different than today.

Today I don't engage in Death by Tug of War.  The texting battle of differing opinions going on forever and ever. Until I collapse in exhaustion.  

Today I state my boundary and expectation once. And I leave it at that. 

I also reach out to people I trust to vent and to help me problem solve.  For me these are two important steps.  But you may have a different approach. 

If the other person was skilled at conflict resolution, you would not have these particular flash floods.  So you just have to stand your ground. And remain calm and assertive (thanks Caesar Milan). 

Usually the pattern the other person has is of control, and manipulates to get their way. So learning what defensive skills are needed to have a strong fence is very vital.

Make them compromise!  And know what you are willing to give up, to get.  But don't give up a minimum boundary. Know where your fence is. 

Be a Strong Canoe, not a battered one.  Ride the waves!

"To pray is not to read the Bible. To pray is to trust in God and accept His Will. You must be patient and accept the Will of God, then things will change for you. Put your family in God’s hands. Trust in God and love His Will. Strong ships are not conquered by the sea; they ride the waves! Now be a strong ship, not a battered one.” (Gloria Faizi, Stories About ‘Abdu’lBahá) 

Photo credits - Tracy Rector- film at Seattle Art Museum

Now when we are all Strong Canoes and we work together in harmony, we heal the world! Canoes asking permission to come ashore.  Bella Bella 2014

Ridvan! Paradise! Let's celebrate.

Today begins the Festival of Ridvan. For Baha'is across the globe this marks 12 days of celebration. In April 1863 Baha'u'llah, which means Glory of God, shared publicly for the first time, He was the latest Messenger from the Creator. He had been exiled from his country, now Iran, ten years previous to Baghdad and was being sent into exile again even farther away, to what is now Turkey. 

For me, it reminds me of many happy days spent with my family. The Baha'i communities we have lived in; San Jose, Lapwai, Tacoma, Alaska, Sahka, Ann Arbor and now Suquamish. It reminds me of my beloved Grandmother Ruby, a Killer Whale Clan woman of the Tsimshian nation whose father was Filipino. She was the first Baha'i in our family. She was befriended by the Tyler Family in Neah Bay and it was their sharing of Baha'u'llah's Life and Teachings that made her fall in love with the Baha'i Faith. She became a Champion of His Cause because she believed it was the healing message not only for all of humanity, but especially for Indian People. 

She is known throughout the country for her dedication to prayer and the elimination of Racism. When she died in December 2010,

I found myself at a Baha'i conference on Social and Economic development in Orlando, Florida. 

In the lobby of the hotel I saw a long time friend of my Grandma and Family and she shared how she prays every day for my Grandmother because she knew my Grandmother prays for her. 

Over the last few years my own spiritual journey has been centered on the principle of Baha'u'llah's the Individual Investigation of Truth.  I have been studying our Sacred Writings and how to apply them into my daily life.

At times it conflicts with other's opinions and their own interpretation of the Sacred Writings. And the conflict has left me uneasy. Until I realized that we are each responsible to reflect the Teachings into our lives and because humanity is so diverse how we choose to reflect these principles will manifest in a wide range of practices. And there is no right and wrong way to choose. 

Living in a culture dominated by Western culture, European culture, it is only logical that individuals coming from diverse cultures would see conflict in how we choose to practice Baha'i Principles in our daily lives. 

Let's take the principle of Eliminating Racism and Prejudice. Coming from a Native American culture how I apply this into my life would be different than if I was of European descent. How I discuss/consult about this topic would be different than if I was of European descent. My ideas for how to talk about this sensitive topic would differ from persons of European descent. 

I have found that the Baha'i community is currently struggling to have this conversation because of the diversity of understanding, experiences, and personal  interpretation of our Sacred Writings. Rather than valuing the rich diversity of interpretation and application in our daily lives, we seem to be uncomfortable with the reality that we have different and sometimes conflicting opinions. 

It's my opinion that in 2015 we have not accomplished the tasks given to us by Shoghi Effendi regarding the most vital and challenging issue of the American Baha'i community which he identified as Racism. Of course it's not realistic to think that we have solved this challenging issue.  I think there are tasks and systems and conversations that we are fully capable of today that we are not doing.  I also believe if we as a community don't have regular analysis of our community about what progress we have made and what areas need strengthening and make sustainable goals, we are not honoring the privilege given to us by Shoghi Effendi. 

I also believe because we do not have systems that enable minority voices to be heard we lose out on the wealth that comes from diversity of thought, opinion and experience. We actually are handicapping our community's health and growth by not valuing the true diversity our community reflects. Diversity does not just mean that we have a wide range of skin shades, but that we have a wide range of intellectual and spiritual practices that may conflict in harmony.  Finding ways  to honor this diversity and make it an asset for our community seems to be a challenge. 

Gunalcheesh for letting me share my celebration of Ridvan and how the Blessed Beauty enriches my life every day. 

The Power of Attraction- a lesson in Synchronicity

So a fabulous story of Synchronicity happened the other day.  It starts a few weeks ago. Te Ata was working on a class project for her Career Options class. She had an interview scheduled with the Bainbridge Island Art Museum bistro. When she came home, she was very excited about an exhibit she had seen and shared she wanted the $50 book. $50? I knew I couldn't afford it at the moment and didn't think too much about it. 

Sometime later  I went to the BIAM for lunch and to visit the galleries. A treat for me! The  practice of making time for joy everyday and following the passions of my heart. After a wonderful lunch I had just enough time to walk through the galleries. As I went through Rachel Feferman's A Hole in the Heart retrospective, I was approached by a docent, Nan, and she told me a little about Rachel. Her grandmother had left Poland for America before the Holocaust but that it had affected her deeply. Her grandmother had hand sewn an apron as a young girl and this apron was seen as a theme in a series of large graphite drawings. 

I loved the story. And wanted to make sure to bring the girls to see the exhibit. When we discuss their heritage I always share that they are Tsimshian, Tlingit, Filipina, German and Jewish. 

So the other day I was feeling pretty worn out. Lena's struggle with anxiety had had a series of rough days. She didn't make it to school that day. We went to school, we sat in a counselors office because some days she can transition into her classroom but day she couldn't. So I brought her home. 

Her grandmother invited her to go to Barnes and Noble and then to go look for some art supplies. Lena didn't want to go. This is when her anxiety worries me. I understand the anxiety of school. But that she does not want to join the family for fun activities and outings really bothers me. My Mom and I agreed when she returned I would take a break and leave the house. 

When my Mom returned I had no motivation to leave the house, I almost decided to take a nap.   I didn't know where I wanted to go. I would normally go the Bainbridge Island Art Museum but there is construction on the bridge and I didn't have patience to deal with traffic. Our friend Margaret looked on Google maps and saw traffic wasn't actually very bad. So with that help, I felt much better about making the trek to the museum. 

I happened to stop by the gift shop first and saw the book for Rachel's exhibit. I asked the staff if the book would be discounted after the exhibit closed. They said no. So I asked if they knew if there was a youth scholarship fund and explained how my daughter really wanted this book but I couldn't afford $50. They were very helpful and gave me the name of the education department. 

I shared how I am a cup half full person, that I believe everything is possible and I believe in karma, what I give to the world comes back to me. As I walked up the stairs to see Rachel's exhibit I wondered what I could do to get Te Ata a copy of the book. 

As I began to look at Rachel's art work a man approached me asking if it was my first visit to the exhibit. I explained I have visited before, how Nan had told me about Rachel and how I wanted to bring my daughters before the show closed this weekend. Greg introduced himself and then introduced me to an elderly couple, Rachel's parents!!!  They were visiting from California. 

I shared how I was so pleased to meet them and how I really liked Rachel's artwork and how I thought the story of her Jewish grandmother was important for my girls to see.  I told Greg how my daughter really wanted a copy of the book and that I had got a contact for the education department. Greg smiled and shared he was the director of the museum and said how wonderful it was to hear the enthusiasm for the show and he had a generous donor who would give my daughter a copy of the book. He went straight away to grab it. 

I said good bye to Rachel's parents and shared how meeting them was now a highlight of my life. As I went down stairs and passed by the front desk, I shared with the ladies the story of what happened upstairs. They were so thrilled to hear it and insisted I take the book to the bookshop to be gift wrapped!  How the ladies in the shop laughed when they knew I had spoken to Greg, the director of the museum, and got a copy of the book for my daughter. 

It was only minutes. Less than 30

minutes since I had just told them I was a cup half full person, that I believed all things were possible and that what I gave to the world comes back to me.

This truly is a humbling experience. It was a great lesson of how the Universe works. When you ask for something, the Universe conspires for you!!  Sometimes the Universe can work quickly!  Chuckles. Not only did Te Ata receive the book she wanted. But I had the honor of meeting Rachel's parents. 

Rachel died at the age of 55 in 2010 from breast cancer. She is the same age as my mother. As I drove home in the warm sunshine, I could only imagine Rachel in heaven coordinating today's events!!  Making sure Te Ata got a copy of her book and arranging for me to meet her parents. 

So what will I ask the Universe for next?  Lol. 

 

Storms and Blessings, Lessons from the Journey of Life

I've been unable to write for what seems like months. I love to write. Normally I can pick a topic and start a conversation. But lately nothing has motivated me enough to actually sit down and write.  I keep thinking, "What could I write about?  My passions of Northwest Coast Art, helping to educate the community about Domestic Violence, my traffic light system of gauging well-being?" Nothing could bring me to write.  I could write maybe a paragraph and then, nothing.  

I knew it was tied to the stress in my life. I have been exhausted since August. So I accepted it.  I hoped that one day I'd feel strong enough to write again. It takes a lot of strength and courage to write and then to share it with others.  What if no one reads it!  What if someone doesn't agree with me?  Chuckles. I've learned that I write because I love to write. It gives me something. It makes me feel like I'm doing something that I'm gifted at.  And once in a while a friend will tell me how much they like my writing which always gives me more courage to continue to write, especially the challenging topics.

So this morning as I waited for the water kettle to heat up for my cup of coffee, I decided I'd write today for 30 minutes. I miss writing!  As I pondered what to write about, I thought about the Journey of Life.  Bingo! Makes sense since it is this journey that has cause me not to be able to write.  So the big question we all hear is, "What is the purpose of life?"  

Raised in Indian Country as a Bahai, I've always felt I knew that answer.  A prayer I learned young taught me the Creator "hast created me to know Thee and to love Thee."  To know and love our Higher Power, it is a Life Journey.  I also was taught to believe in a life after this physical life on Mother Earth and our learning continues.  So for me, "what is the meaning of this Journey we call life?"

Why did the Creator choose the family I was born into?  Why was I raised the way I was raised?  As an adult, I have learned that by being born in the USA, I won the lottery of birth.  If I was born in a third world country, I may not have clean water to drink, a toilet in my home or have the opportunity to go to school.  In some countries, I would not have the freedom of religion guaranteed or the right to free speech.

Reflecting on the last 6 years of my journey, I've learned some profound lessons.  My storms have taught me that learning how to know the Creator and how to love the Creator is all about learning about how to know myself and how to love myself and about how my relationship with the Creator affects that process.

By turning to the Creator first, by asking for guidance, protection, grace and mercy, I have learned that it is given.  Always.  It may not be how I would like to see it given, but it is always  manifested perfectly. In 2008, at 34 years old my whole life was turned upside down.  Everything I understood and believed in was tested. It is only the skill of prayer that my mother and grandmothers taught me that has allowed me to survive, to stay sane.  Some months were so dark and torturous all I could do was plead, "Please God save me."  

As the challenges came, I always turned to our Sacred Writings. I meditated about how to apply them to my life and even when it conflicted with others Interpretations I knew I had the right to my own Interpretation and it gave me courage to stand my ground and create healthy boundaries.  This connection to the Creator strengthens me.  By turning toward the Creator, attempting to apply the Sacred Teachings into my life, I was given confidence and faith.  

The Creator has designed a Journey perfectly for me.  It comes with storms that test my skills and give me no choice but to master guiding my Canoe through rough waters. Through every storm tools and concepts are sent to help me. I am stronger and wiser after every storm.  Blessings, the most amazing blessings, are sent to inspire me and guide me, to confirm I am on the right path.  

My journey is about strengthening my relationship with the Creator.

What are some of the lessons and skills you have learned on your journey?  What is your purpose of life?

Taking Back My Religion or walking the path of Individual Investigation of Truth

So my first test understanding that my Religious Community is separate from the Divine Teacher who Founded our Religion took place when I was about 18. I was working with a group of youth and I received a phone call from an irate  parent, lashing out about something that I had done "against" their child.  I'd known this family for a few years.  We saw each other often and they were always kind and courteous.  The experience of angry criticism really hurt deeply. I was confused why some one was so angry and why they would speak to me in such a disrespectful way.  I thought why am I bothering to volunteer my time working with youth, if parents are going to treat me like this?  

As I wondered how community members who uphold consultation and unity could act this way, I seriously thought why am I a member of this religion?  As I pondered these thoughts I was inspired that I love Baha'u'llah. I love His teachings, that are all about building an ever-advancing civilization.  That through the elimination of prejudice and racism, through the elimination of extreme wealth and poverty,  by having education available to all children and other principles we could walk towards Peace.  

That was the day I feel I became a Baha'i. I went from a child raised to a firm believer. I understood that we humans are human. We have short comings. And we have unhealthy coping mechanisms. We may believe in these principles but we are still learning how to live them. And we will continue to fail, we will make mistakes. Our learning has no reflection on the Power of the Teachings of Baha'u'llah nor does it make Him any less.  I believe He has given us gifts and tools that will teach us to build Peace.  I believe this is the way forward. Our short comings do not affect the destiny of our Religion.

My second lesson in this began in 2008 in Ann Arbor, Michigan when I recognized I was living with Domestic Violence in my marriage. I was lucky to have known about the United States Baha'i community's handbook on Domestic Violence. It gave me a deep understanding that we do not condone family violence and even non-criminal aspects are violations of Baha'i standards of conduct.  Yet I found no one in my community familiar with the guidelines or able to apply the knowledge into our current difficult situation.

Each Baha'i community that has 9 adults members elects a Local Spiritual Assembly every Spring to guide it's affairs.  They are described to be channels of God's grace and mercy for each community.  How heart breaking it was for me, when I realized that my community was too ignorant of current understandings of Domestic Violence to take any supportive action.  Here was the community I was raised in, that taught me the equality of women and men, but we have no systems for supporting women and children who live in unsafe homes.

This was also the case when we moved to Anchorage, Alaska. We were separated and moving forward with a divorce. And Alaska's community didn't even have a handbook on Domestic Violence.  I went to the Local Spiritual Assembly for help because my husband wasn't adequately supporting us.  I didn't have enough money to feed my children, and the LSA suggested we go to a financial advisor.   It was a difficult time of not driving more than we absolutely had to because I could not afford gas.  And we ate grilled cheese and tuna sandwiches while he earned a doctors salary.  8 months later my husband increased my monthly budget by $1200 a month as suggested by a financial advisor.

I received no supportive actions to assist me during a long period of financial difficulty and emotional and verbal abuse which continued the patterns of power and control.  Again there was no mercy or grace from these channels.  I stopped asking for assistance from the Local Spiritual Assembly.   I found help through friends.  One Baha'i friend dropped off jarred salmon, bread and juice when I mentioned I didn't have enough money to feed my girls.  Some friends had offered money but I was too uncomfortable to take it.  Now I know when some is hungry, just bring food.  No one can refuse it.

Why was I a Baha'i?  

This question continues to be asked as I look around the Alaska community and see the absence of the generation of youth who I spent my young adult life with.  When I returned to Alaska after 8 years in Michigan in 2009,  the absence of my generation of youth and the Alaska Natives was like a neon sign that one one else could see.  I bumped into young mothers in the grocery store, but never saw them at the Baha'i Center.  There were almost no Native Bahai's participating.  No one could tell me what happened.  

In the 5 years since I moved back to Anchorage in 2009  and have now moved to Washington, it is now my belief that the extreme denial of the challenges our youth face in upholding our high spiritual values in a world with none is the cause of this absence.  Our inability to accept that our youth will walk an Independent Investigation of Truth, that they will test these values in action and how we support them during and after has robbed us of a whole generation. We are too strict in our judgement. We exclude those we feel have failed. We do not practice compassion or empathy. We do not inquire after our friends and their children.  

That was my biggest concern this next generation of children.  The children of Abdu'l-Baha who have been excluded from our community because we are too scared of mistakes. We are too ashamed of challenges. We have no systems for accepting the path of Individual Investigation of Truth.  

As for the absence of Native Baha'i friends I believe it is an inability to have empathy for the hardships that we bear living with the consequences of historical trauma: poverty, addiction, violence. How do we help support our Baha'i families healing from racism, poverty and addiction?  Native Baha'is who have been participating in the Faith for decades are now absent. I believe because there is an inability to listen to their concerns and be empathetic to the struggles our families survive with daily.

I am a Baha'i. I love Baha'u'llah and every day I choose how to apply His Teachings into my life. I also go out of my way to support those who feel excluded from the Baha'i community. 

I have taken back my religion. No one can take my love for Baha'u'llah's teachings. My favorite quote from a Baha'i scholar is "Mistakes are an inseparable aspect of learning."  I challenge the Baha'i friends of Alaska to ask what mistakes have we made that has created an absence of a generation of Baha'is and excluded our Native friends?  And what actions can we take to heal from this mistake.

Study the Sacred Writings.  Plan.  Act.  Reflect. 

"The shining spark of truth cometh forth only after the clash of differing opinions."