Why I Left and who helped me leave

Day 3

Domestic Violence Awareness Month

It was 7 years ago this month that I experienced my first physical violence from an intimate partner. Also called domestic violence. Family violence. 

My world as I knew it shattered in that moment. I knew the instant it happened that a line had been crossed. I also felt that I had been unconsciously avoiding this very moment for a really long time. 

That night I left the house and spent the night at my sisters. A couple days later I called the local Women's hotline. My family sent me home to my parents 3,000 miles away.  I negotiated a separation. 

I think this is the chapter I want to focus on today. How I realized I was living with domestic violence and how I was able to leave an unsafe home. I could not do it without the support of my family. 

It was my sister who suggested I call the domestic violence hotline. I can remember sitting in my car on my cell phone telling a woman what had happened. She said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but this is domestic violence."  And as we talked she explained that the years of emotional and verbal abuse were parts of the cycle of domestic violence, too.  

With the help of my family, I started a journey of building a safe home for myself and for my daughters. The 6 weeks of separation being a continent apart, turned into a separation of two years. We lived in separate homes.  We did marriage counseling.  We had a Baha'i Year of Waiting, when you ask for a divorce you spend a year working on reconciliation.  He still could make my life hell in other ways, like not financially supporting us.  But at least while he was playing Death by Tug of War, I had a safe place to retreat to.  We eventually got a divorce in September 2010. 

Having a safe place to go, like my parents home, made it possible for me to leave a relationship of domestic violence. 

I have witnessed a family take in a friend and her four children when she was experiencing physical violence from her husband. It took her a month to find and rent a home. So we watched the 9 people share a single family home. It was a beautiful model of generosity and grace. 

I also watched another friend ask her husband to leave the house, and let him back in, and to leave the house again, over and over again for 2 years. Until she was finally ready to say no more. Both women needed a support circle who understood their struggles with domestic violence and who encouraged them to leave. And supported them in actions to make the safe decision.  

The only way we are going to heal the cycles of abuse is to break the silence of keeping secrets. And helping our friends leave unsafe homes.