So I thought I must be doing something wrong!
One of the biggest things to help me through life's greatest storms is to know I am NOT alone. When I realized my marriage had patterns of domestic violence. Going to a support group was my best tool for healing. Hearing other women tell their stories.
I heard from women whose intimate partners lied and neglected their children, who told friends and family she was cheating on him, women who had bones broken and women who were almost killed.
A woman who was stabbed and had recently been in the hospital close to death said emotional abuse is the worst. Worse than physical abuse. My body heals with time. But my emotions are still healing. That is what blows my mind.
I was able to learn that some partners use words as weapons. Some use manipulation. Some use physical violence. But it is all to get what they want. To get their way.
Hearing other woman share their story helped me understand mine. No, my husband didn't need to hit me to get his way. Yelling, cussing, calling me names, banging around the house, breaking things, refusing to discuss finances.... Those all got him exactly what he wanted.
For years.
As the level of abuse escalated. And as it increased in frequency it lead to a crisis.
I left the house after what I describe as the first incident of physical abuse. My family took me and the girls in. I asked for a separation. Which lead to counseling. And finally divorce. Which opened a whole new arena of control issues. I was left with the children 28 days of the month. I was actually celebrating having 2 nights off a month.
It took years before I realized how out of the range of normal that was.
It's been 5 years since the divorce. 3 years since I moved out of state. And although I am relatively safe my children still suffer. So when they are unsafe, so am I.
It's tricky to share something so complex. But I guess I will need to find a more balanced approach to what I post on Facebook. Because my life has been hell for the past year. And my friends should know it. I know others will experience stress and life storms. And the worst is believing that you are the only one.
The only way to break the cycles is to break the silence.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
And the only way women will leave an abusive home is if she has someplace safe to go. So it's our job, the friends and family to help her know she should leave. And help her find a safe place to go as she rebuilds her life. My family took me in. My family fed me and my children. My family supported that I deserved a home where respect and love were the guiding forces, not control and manipulation.
And since then I've helped two of my friends leave unhealthy homes. Homes should be a refuge. A place to be nurtured. Not a place where you have to be prepared for constant conflict or harm. They and their children are recovering and healing. It's a long path. What's worse than being hurt by the person who should protect you?
So please when you see a friend struggling with issues of control, abuse, violence. Tell her she should leave. And tell her you will be there to hold her hand as she walks the path out of hell. And when she goes back to him. Know statistics say a woman tries to leave 7 times before she can finally leave. So don't give up on her!
And 5 years later for me. I'm still dealing with having an unhealthy co-parenting relationship. So I still need my family and friends to support me. It is a long road to recovery.
No comments:
Post a Comment