Some thoughts after someone has shared their opinion I have a victim mentality! Chuckles.

     My decision to be a stay at home mother was made when my daughter was born in Spring 2001 and her father began medical school that Fall. I balanced the knowledge that he would be very focused for the next 7 plus years, and my most recent job was teaching pre-school in Headstart in a small town in Alaska. I understand the equation about how much salary a mother makes minus how much it costs to pay for child care while she works. I believe I was lucky enough to have a husband who agreed to the financial sacrifice and to live on a meager income on student loans and scholarships to support our small family. 

     Once my daughter was old enough, about 1 1/2,  I got a child care license and looked for a child to care for.  One child.  I felt it would give me just enough income to put food on the table and would be a good ratio for both kids.  I found a family whose father was in medical school and whose mother was working to support their family.  This little guy and his mother became like my family during the years I cared for him.  My daughter considered him her best friend.   We went to parks, to the library, we trekked to the nearby zoo, 45 minutes away.  And I quickly learned caring for two kids who play with each other is actually easier than caring for a single child.

     It was challenging supporting a spouse through medical school.  You know college, it seems like there is always more homework to be done.  It is never over.  My theory was the more I could care for our daughter and the household duties, the more he could study, meaning he would get a good residency placement and our futures would have many opportunities from this investment and sacrifice.  I did all the cooking, laundry, and most of the housekeeping. I did all of the child rearing.   I applied for food stamps when a fellow graduate student spouse informed me we were eligible because student loans is not considered income.  Every bit that added to the food on the table was worth the embarrassment and judgement of the social workers.  I figured we were tax paying citizens in the past and we would again both be in the future. But right now we needed help feeding our daughter.

     When he graduated from medical school, I took partial credit for his high GPA. How many other students had their own personal laundry service and chef for those four years?  Chuckles. And our daughter was well cared for. She was happy, smart and quite an artist even at 4 years old.  He got the residency match we chose. I decided if he was gonna be in a hospital for 80 hours a week for the next 3-4 years, I would rather stay at this hospital where my friends were, my support circle.  My daughter and I had a group of friends of mothers with young kids. Our Baha'i community was my family away from home.  I took my daughter every week to the Prayer Breakfast on Sundays.  It was one meal a week I didn't have to cook for those 8 years. And the Baha'is were so welcoming and embracing. I wouldn't have survived those 8 years without my girlfriends and their children.

     Now when I decided to have child number two I knew it was illogical. I was completely at capacity caring for the one child I had and my husband during a grueling medical education.  But my love for my siblings, my sisters, drove me to throw logic aside. I wanted my children to have the best friends that my sisters are to me.  And so during his first year of residency in January my second daughter was born.  About a year later, trying to balance a budget on a resident's salary, (we no longer qualified for food stamps! Yay) I began to watch a friend's newborn daughter 3 days a week , just 12 weeks old, while she worked.  (The little guy I had watched previously had moved when his father graduated) We had bought a condo thinking it was wiser than paying rent.  But the income was not meeting the expenses.  The eldest was in kindergarten. And the youngest now a toddler had a playmate as the sweet little baby grew.  

     In the 4th year of residency the marriage and our home life had become unmanageable, insane, as I have learned Al-Anon calls that state of living.  The difficulties had slowly escalated over the years.  We separated and eventually divorced as he graduated residency and began his career.  All the hard work and sacrifice I invested in his education, did not produce the returns I had hoped for our family.  I made the conscious decision if life was hell when $10 was being discussed, I knew life would still be hell when $10,000 was being discussed.  

     As I came to terms that the man I had loved for 13 years was no longer a man I could share a home with, when I had accepted that my marriage was not capable of being saved no matter how hard I tried, I shifted gears and focused on co-parenting our children.  I figured our eldest had about nine years of school left til she graduated and the youngest had her full 12 year school career ahead of her.  I visualized us living in the same city. And sharing parenting duties. 

     It took me about a full year to accept that that was not his plan.  He was not interested in being a present parent.  His priorities were elsewhere. So all of his parental duties fell on my shoulders. When our youngest started kindergarten I started taking classes at a local Univeristy.  I had a great time, being a social extravert, spending my days with other adults was such a great treat. I had been based from home for 10 years!!  I was studying psychology because the counseling I'd received throughout the separation and divorce had literally kept me sane!  One day when the kids were sick and I needed someone to watch them so I could go to class, their father refused saying he was too tired after driving twelve hours round trip to see his girlfriend.  It took me a full year to learn to stop asking him when the girls needed something, he always refused.  

   I have to be honest. This choice was actually the one that hurt my heart the most.  Not that we couldn't save the marriage. Not that he had other priorities higher than the care and needs of my children.  But after 8 years of sacrifice and supporting him during his education and caring for my two kids, he did not feel obligated to assist me when it was time for me to return to school. This was the greatest betrayal. He never missed a day of medical school or residency for 8 years or work for 3 years of his career because he had a sick child.  And he couldn't see that was because I was there for the kids.  What parent can say that?  11 years of not having to miss a day of work because of a sick child.

    As I finished a year of college while being a single parent, I knew I couldn't do the job of being the parent the girls needed while studying without more support. As I was deciding about moving closer to my family in another state, the girls' father called me to tell me he was getting married and moving to a city a 6 hour drive away.  My decision was easily made.

     Now I've been where I currently reside for two years. My original plan was to settle the girls into school and start classes in January. That plan was changed when my Step Dad had complications with cancer. And I decided we would rent a home with my parents and support them through cancer.  We had a wonderful 7 months living with Grandpa before he suddenly passed away. He had a high quality of life. The day before he passed away the family went out to brunch. The parents spent the afternoon roaming around Home Depot!  The time spent together is so precious. 

     Some people have criticized me for not taking responsibility for myself because I was not working or going to school. Some have said I have a victim mentality. These were the thoughts that made me start thinking about the journey and decisions that I have made that have brought me to today.  I disagree. I have taken responsibility for myself and for the two children I care for when another chooses to be absent.  I don't feel I am a victim. I feel I have been treated without basic consideration and respect without cooperation and compromise.  But I don't allow that any more.  I have learned how to build strong boundaries.  I don't expect their father to be present or invested in the girls lives. Because his choices have taught me not to.

    I do not regret my choice to be a stay at home mother.  It has been a sacrifice in many ways. Of studying and career building.  Of income.  My children are healthy and happy. They are loved, cared for and know they are cherished by me. They know they are a high priority in my life. And I know eventually the Creator will assist me when it is time for me to go back to school and be the parent these children need and deserve.  I don't regret my difficult marriage. It produced the precious sweet children who are the lights of my life. And I have Faith the Creator will send a partner who will love them and be present in their lives. 

    The artwork of the girls. Evidence of all my hard work and sacrifice!

Some thoughts on understanding Non-Physical Abuse

NO ABUSE OF ANY KIND, WHETHER EMOTIONAL, MENTAL OR PHYSICAL

The stress laid in the statements of Bahá'u'lláh and Άbdu'l-Bahá on love and harmony as the hallmark of marriage, and in view of Άbdu'l-Bahá's exhortation that each member of the family must uphold the rights of the others, makes it clear that violence in the family is contrary to the spirit of the Faith and a practice to be condemned. It is clear that no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, whether emotional, mental or physical. Such a reprehensible action would be the very antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined by the Bahá'í writings — a relationship governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of any form of abuse, including force, to compel obedience to one’s will.

Letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, dated April 12, 1990, to a National Spiritual Assembly, in The Local Spiritual Assembly Handbook, 3rd ed., pp. 260-261

I find it fascinating that the Universal House of Justice (the supreme International Administrative body elected by Baha'is worldwide every 5 years) lists abuse as emotional, mental or physical.  I had never thought about separating the emotional from the mental abuse.  It made me pause.  What is the difference between them?  Emotions are how you FEEL. And mental is what you THINK.  How does one abuse your emotions and your thinking processes?  In this same passage the UHJ also says says any form of abuse, including force, to compel obedience to one's will.  So for me this means a person's actions that affect how you FEEL and what you THINK to get you to do what THEY WANT.

Non-physical abuse is hard to recognize if you are not familiar or have not been trained or taken time to study current research.  Because the "weapons" abusers use are the same actions we all use in anger, losing our temper and when arguments heighten.  It's my belief many people shy away from identifying emotional and mental abuse in others because they are familiar with the behaviors themselves. But the difference between "normal" use of yelling, raising our voice, occasionally using a swear word, giving someone the silent treatment, etc..  and a relationship  of abuse is the cycles and patterns of those behaviors that create an abusive environment.

If you have a healthy relationship, these occasional expressions of anger can be expressed without changing the power structure of a relationship.  Power structure may seem to be a big concept. But really it means do both partners have equal decision making power over time?  Of course, there are times when a couple can't find agreement and in another passage from the Universal House of Justice, the wife and husband are advised to take turns deferring to each other.  

In an unhealthy relationship, the power structure is unbalanced when one partner dominates, in extreme cases this domination creates tyranny in a marriage.  (Tyranny: cruel and unfair treatment by people with power over others 3 : a rigorous condition imposed by some outside agency or force 4 : an oppressive, harsh, or unjust act : a tyrannical act). In the book Advancement of Women by Janet and Peter Khan, Baha'i scholars, share that "while the cause of marital breakdown can be many, one common cause is domination of the wife by the husband "(p.115).  

It does not take physical abuse to create an unbalanced power structure in a marriage.  A pattern of using emotional and mental manipulation can create a relationship with unbalanced decision making power with one partner dominating the other.  It's any actions that compel the other partner to do what THEY WANT over and over again.  It can be verbal, emotional, financial, neglect, damaging property, harassment, isolation, using threats, blaming and minimizing their abusive actions.

The photo is from Why Does He Do That?  Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men p.55

I heART Art, Part Two or Art & Activism, building peace in my life

     The artist, Ai Weiwei, is internationally known as a contemporary artist and outspoken dissident.   When I read the signage accompanying these bold colored vases, understanding that they are created by someone who is known as an outspoken dissident in China tells me a lot.  He is brave and courageous, in my opinion a Champion of Justice. To speak out in opposition to his government in China means something far greater than speaking out against our government here in the USA means for us.  While sitting at the bar counter in the Taste cafe of the Seattle Art Museum recently I talked to a lady who visited Ai Weiwei in his home.  She said he cannot leave China, cannot leave Beijing, but anyone can come visit him.  And she said it was obvious there were security cameras watching his home.

     I cannot imagine!  Having your home under surveillance.  Not being able to leave your country or the city you live in!  She also mentioned that because of the world's eyes being watchful, he is also somewhat protected.  The world would protest if he was harmed.

     I visited the Seattle Asian Art Museum for the first time on April 5th.  I am not familiar with Asian Art (being raised more actively in the Native American community than the Filipino community).  As I walked through the galleries of ceramics, paintings and objects I was somewhat lost.  I didn't have the context to understand what I was looking at. My routine when seeing a new art exhibit is to do a quick walk through and then come back to visit my favorite pieces.  I stopped and looked at a huge piece, a 17th Century/1800's hanging scroll depicting a story of Buddha. It was faded from time but the artistry was phenomenal. I am not very familiar with Buddha's life or teachings.  But it reminds me of the huge Nativity scene from the exhibit Peru: Kingdom of the Sun and Moon.  A teaching tool. Telling the story of the life of Christ.

     Ai Weiwei's colored vases are traditional vases dipped in bold colors. A symbol of our Ancient story being disguised by today's contemporary culture yet still powerfully present.  When thinking about the courage of Ai Weiwei to use his art to stand up for justice and freedom, it makes me think of Joan Miro and his opposition to the Franco dictatorship and regime that held captive his home of Spain for nearly 40 years, ending just in 1976.  When I think of Spain, I don't think of a dictatorship or tyranny and oppression.  But really it's barely 40 years since they have been free.  As an American, I take the freedom of speech and the freedom to vote for granted. I am privileged with this luxury in a world full of tyranny and oppression.

     These artists inspire me to say the hard things that need to be said.  There are women and children in our community made vulnerable by the actions and choices of unhealthy and selfish men.  I am not saying that all men are unhealthy or selfish. I am deeply grateful for the men in my life who cherish their partners and protect, not harm, their women and children.  But the women who are hurt emotionally, psychologically with or without physical violence by their intimate partners need our support and encouragement. 

     One to help them see that they are indeed living with dominance, tyranny and oppression in their homes.  Two to help aid them in their relationship, to find ways of building autonomy and freedom in their daily lives. Three to support them to leave if and when they are ready.  I have to say that it's not only men who can be unhealthy and selfish and harm their families, but they tend to be the majority in numbers and men have more power in our historically patriarchal American society.  Men who use children as tools for control.  Men who leave women without their fair share of martial or familial resources make the children more vulnerable. When you leave a women to struggle to make ends meet, you leave your children more vulnerable.

     I have a friend whose husband during the divorce lived in the family home, causing his children to live elsewhere. And when the family home was finally awarded to the mother and children they moved back in only to receive notice the mortgage hadn't been paid and the house was in foreclosure.  What was that father thinking?  I have another friend whose home was purchased with her family's inheritance she received because she has a chronic illness and cannot study or work, and in divorce proceedings the husband is asking for half of the value of the house. Leaving his children vulnerable because the mother will be more vulnerable.

     It's my experience that our community does not speak to these men. They don't show them how selfish these acts are, how harmful they are for their children or ask them to step up and be a mature and responsible father and ensure the safety and security of their children through the safety and security of the mother of their children.

     In my own path, I also gave up a home, to leave my marriage. But for me the lack of consideration and obligation was even more injurious when it was time for me to return to school.  My youngest daughter was starting kindergarten and I began to take classes part-time. When I needed help scheduling their visits with their father around my class and homework schedule, there was no cooperation.  When the kids were sick and I needed help so I could go to class.  There was no sense of reciprocity. I had helped him become a doctor. For 8 years of my life I cared for our children so he could go to school. He never missed a class or a shift at the hospital because one of his kids was sick. But when it was time for me to go to school post-divorce, there was no awareness of the debt he owed me.   To my knowledge no one has called him on this.  No one has pointed out to him the lack of consideration he has for the well-being of his daughters.

     My belief is we cannot achieve world peace if we cannot build peace in our homes, our families, and our daily lives.  If you know of a woman in the middle of divorce, divorced or parenting as a single parent, reach out to her. Encourage her. Take her out for coffee.  Or bring by a meal, so she can take a break from planning, cooking, cleaning and storing a dinner.  Pick up the kids to take them to the park. Or to the museum! (You know my passion for museums). And if you are really brave take out the father for coffee and ask him what's going on and how is he ensuring the well-being of his children. 

      Art.  Activism.  Building strong and healthy homes and communities will create more peace in the world. 

I heART Art, Part One

     I spent two days surrounded by art.  The first was at the SAM downtown and the second was my first visit to the Seattle Asian Art Museum at Volunteer Park.  Art is my passion.  My elixir of life.  When I spend time with art, the fire of my soul burns brighter.  My inner battery recharges. There is something about looking at a piece of art and looking for the message the artist is sending out. I always want to know the life of the artist, what journey did they travel.

   The Miro exhibit, the Experience of Seeing is focused on Joan Miro (pronounced like Juan),

his late works, 1963-1981.  On my first walk through of this exhibit with my daughter's 7th grade class in early March 2014, I was quite lost. The very strange looking bronze sculptures looked like junk on first glance, chuckles. His huge paintings are abstract and very simple looking.  I knew nothing about him or his career.  

     Looking over a timeline of his life, I began to get a picture of who Miro is.  Born in 1893 in Barcelona in the region of Catalonia in Spain.  Living through World War I and the taking over of his country by a tyrannical dictator, Franco in 1939.  He is a contemporary of Picasso. Knowing the little I know about classic paintings, I could immediately see how unique Miro's paintings were. On a tour with the 7th graders, I learned more about the symbols Miro uses. How a teardrop stands for woman.  There are a LOT of tear drops in his work!! Chuckles. His use of primary colors is strong in symbolism, blue representing the soul.  Today this very abstract art doesn't raise an eyebrow but I can only imagine what people thought in the early days of his career.

     In the catalog for this exhibit I read about how Miro and his peers protested against the Franco regime.  It inspired in me great admiration.  To put your life on the line to stand up against injustice when people were being arrested and killed for political opposition.  Over Spring break, during my second visit to Miro a tour with amazing docent Marilyn taught me more about the lost wax process of bronze casting.  Miro collected objects on his walks and began to build sculptures out of them.  The sculpture would be cast and then a bronze sculpture would be created.  Again teardrops are seen throughout. Yes!  He loves women. Chuckles. 

     I want to talk about two sculptures first is the Warrior King, a spoon acts as an arm or as scepter.  A battered piece of wood makes up the body.  We are asked to caption this piece in a contest to win a trip to Spain (enter by April 15, 2014 on the SAM's Facebook page). The warrior kings I know are Chief Seattle, Chief Joseph, Crazy Horse and Geronimo.  I don't know what Miro was saying with his Warrior King, but to me it reminded me of the honorable warriors who protected their people, whose stories of heroism inspire me today. To be brave and courageous, to stand up for justice and for those who cannot defend themselves.

     The second is titled Bull's Head.  Marilyn, the amazing docent, shared how scary this piece looked to her.  It looks like a Monster out of Monster's Inc. A creature hiding in the closet waiting to make us scream. A horn sticks out prominently big fangs look like they will dig deep.  Marilyn shared this piece was made in 1970 in response to Franco's order of the death of 6 political opponents.   I was born in 1973. Franco dies in 1975 freeing Spain after 36 years of being held hostage by a tyrant.  I don't know where I have been all my education, did I just not understand what the World Wars were about?  Was I too young?  Was I too sheltered by the luxury of being born in America? Were the lessons watered down so I didn't quite understand the oppression so many people lived through for decades?  1975!  Isn't this the disco party decade here in the USA?  To think Spain was in a choke hold without political freedom 40 years ago. To think how many nations today are still living without the freedom of speech, the freedom to elect their leaders.

  Miro's courage inspires me to speak up to say the hard things that need to be said today. 

Don't forget to like the SAM on Facebook and enter to win a trip to Spain by captioning one of his works.

      

One small Blessing of the Canoes Ceremony, One huge step towards healing historical trauma for humankind.

     Yesterday was such a beautiful and deeply meaningful day for me.  This was my second year to witness the Waking the Canoes and Blessing Ceremony in Suquamish.  I am 40 years old, and when I was growing up in Seattle, Tacoma, and Juneau there were no Canoes.  It has only been the last 20 years that the Canoe Culture has been revived, through an annual caravan of Tribal Canoes called the Journey.  

      2011 I was able to go to the Swinomish Nation when they hosted, seeing 70 Canoes landing was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  2013 Paddle to Quinault was even more visually stunning because they estimate 12,000 mostly Native people on the beach for Welcoming the Canoes.  It was a bit mind tripping to see a tall ship with its historical and iconic white sails on the horizon.  Lady Washington was present to honor the shared history of the Indigenous people and the settlers, and to work towards reconciliation.

      To know why yesterday is so important not just for the Suquamish Nation, but all of Indian Country, the United States and the world as a whole, you have to understand what happened to Indian Country since the settlers arrived.  Our homelands have been taken, our people killed in conscious acts of genocide, our children stolen and mandated to assimilation schools "kill the Indian, save the man",  our ancient ways of subsistence were taken through the theft of fishing rights and the complete obliteration of a Buffalo population, and not the least our religion was demonized and our language and cultural sacred practices made to be illegal.  

     Most people only know Indians through media, living with poverty and addiction.  Last year the New York Times focused on the inability of some Tribes to protect their children, continuing the denial of the consequences of Genocide, Oppression and the theft of our children for generations by the United States of America and the accountability thereof.  

     So when standing beneath the protection of the House of Awakened Culture, a Longhouse built like its predecessor Old Man House burnt down in 1870 by the government, and blessing the Canoes it is a testimony to the strength of a people.  We are still here.  We are reviving our sacred traditions that help build healthy communities.  1792 is when George Vancouver, a British explorer came into Suquamish waters.  Over 200 years has seen the complete destruction of an Ancient and Sacred way of life and today we are still in the process of recovery.  This ceremony is a symbol of the revival of the Tribes from one coast of turtle island to the other.  We are all healing.  

     To see families work in unity and coordinate the blessing of the Canoes, to return to storage the damaged canoes, and putting every other Canoe in the water all while the kids help and the stroller is pushed down the boat ramp, is a blessed, blessed event. We acknowledged our connection to the Creator, to our Ancestors, the hard road we were forced to walk and that this action is of vital importance to all people. When one People heals from historic trauma, when one People steps forward toward Peace and Prosperity, the whole world heals from historic trauma, the whole world steps forward toward Peace and Prosperity.  

     I was sharing with a European descendant friend of mine recently about my understanding of our relationship with the Ancestors.  I told him, I never went to class to learn about being Indian, everything I know is by doing and watching.  By going to pow wows, ceremonies, the sweat lodge, memorials, I heard our beliefs over and over and I SAW them in ACTION, we are always attempting to match our actions with our Sacred Words.  

     As a Baha'i I have recently gained a deeper understanding of the Teachings of Baha'u'llah.  His teachings all revolve around one goal, the Unification of Humankind, the evolution of a global civilization that honors Unity and Diversity.   The principles of the elimination of racism, upholding the equality of women and men, the elimination of extreme wealth and poverty, universal education are all tools to build a healthy and happy world community.  Every People has a Sovereignty bestowed upon them from the Creator, a right to govern ourselves on our Ancestral Homeland, the right to a dignified economy, the right to live in peace and the right to be free from control and oppression by any other group of people.  No one has the right to tell us how to worship the Creator, how to teach our children or how to reflect our beliefs in our everyday lives. And we have the right to govern ourselves.  

     So on this first day of the Baha'i New Year, I raise my hands to the Creator for sending me and my precious children to Suquamish, to the Suquamish people for opening their hearts and their homeland to us, and I beseech the Ancestors to supplicate to the Creator to protect us through the storms that teach us and make us stronger, to send us joy when it's time to celebrate all we have accomplished!!  

    

I vote with every dollar. So I am boycotting Hollywood without People of Color. For a year, I will not rent, purchase or go to the theater to see a movie without a person of color in a lead or supporting role.

I've decided I am boycotting Hollywood for a year.  I will not rent, purchase or go to a theater to see a movie unless there is at least one person of color in a lead or supporting role.

I was so angry when I found out The Butler did not get a single Oscar nomination.  When I googled to see what others were saying, I found out Fruitvale Station is another African American story that was denied recognition from the Academy.  I personally believe 42 is one of the best movies I have EVER seen, if not the BEST.  It too was denied any Oscar recognition in 2013.

So as the movie Food INC. taught me, I vote with every dollar I spend. (I now vote to buy as much organic food as possible within my budget).  So I am using the same principle here.  I will no longer support with my hard earned money the Hollywood producers who make films without any diversity!  I am so tired of watching movie after movie with ONLY European descendants.  There is no excuse in 2014 for any movie not to have at least a supporting role with someone of African, Asian, Hispanic or Native American descent. 

In the extras of Love Actually produced by an amazingly talented group from England, they tell how an African descendant criticized them for de-coloring Knotting Hill in the movie Knotting Hill obviously this neighborhood naturally has diversity, but when they shot the film they "forgot" the people of color, making it look mono-ethnic, when in reality it is NOT.  When they produced Love Actually, they gave their critic a cameo role.  If you know the movie, this historically bad deejay in the wedding reception is him.

So what will my small boycott of Hollywood without people of color do?  Well, I know it will make me feel better.  And if by some chance any of you will join me and spread the word, maybe someone will hear us and decide to make movies that actually represent the rich cultural diversity of our amazing country, built on the. Homeland of the Indigenous and immigrants from every culture and country on planet Earth.

Al-Anon, a Path from Insanity to Serenity,

      I was living in Insanity and I didn't know it until I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting   2 1/2 years ago.  The Insanity came from attempting to co-parent post-divorce my daughters, ages 9 & 4, with their father.  There was little communication.  What communication there was, it was unhealthy.  There was no cooperation.  There was no sharing the responsibility of the children.  I was at the end of my rope, it was truly driving me crazy.

     Listening to the Twelve Steps for the first time was my first step towards Serenity and a life of peace.  Step Two - came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  I knew something was wrong, but no one could tell me what it was... I'd been to a handful of counselors, starting in Ann Arbor and continuing in Anchorage.  But no one had identified my life as insane nor could they point me in the direction to Sanity.

    For the first year through separation I'd had the girls 100% of the time except for a few day visits each month.  During the dissolution we increased to two over nights a month.  And a year later when it was time for the the little one to start kindergarten and I could return to college, we increased to 6 nights a month, which still left me at 80%.  When the kids were sick and I needed to go to class, he declined to watch them.  Which was particularly painful and maddening, when I spent eight years of my life watching our children, so he could become a doctor!  Chuckles.  Thankfully my best friend's husband worked from home and he generously watched the girls so I could go to class.  This is the nicer of the hard situations to share.  

   The secret I learned in Al-Anon is changing your focus from the other person(s) and bring your focus to your own self.  Serenity came to me when I stopped expecting him to be a present father in their lives, to help me take care of their needs.  When I stopped asking him, and starting asking my family and friends for the support my girls needed, peace came.  It's been a slow process.  It took time.  I still struggle with it occasionally 2 1/2 years later.  But overall I live a life without Insanity.  I live in peace.  I have serenity in my life, most of the time.  And when Insanity shows up, I know what to do, use my tools Al-Anon has given me and go to a Meeting.

     Al-Anon is for Families and Friends of Alcoholics.  You may not even know the alcoholic in your life.  It could be your grandparent, great-grandparent or come from your spouse's side of the family.  But coping with the Insanity that alcoholism and addiction causes in a family produces unhealthy family dynamics.  For me, it's my grandfathers and great-grandfathers.  I've only known one.  But the damage of their alcoholism and abandonment of their children shaped my parents, who then shaped me.  In Al-Anon meetings I have heard people share about their own addictions, the addictions of their spouses, their parents, and now their teenage and adult children.  Al-Anon literature gives you wisdom collected over decades by people just like you and me.  Al-Anon Family groups (meetings) give you a place to safely share your struggles and gives you a place to be supported by people who know exactly how you feel.

     As we just passed the holidays, many of us had to deal with unhealthy family dynamics.  Or maybe a family medical crisis brought out the worst coping mechanisms in people.  Anniversaries of loss had us trudging through The Blues.  Stress can trigger emotional disasters in a family. I always like to encourage attendance at a local Al-Anon meeting (find a local meeting on google).  If that seems a bit too much for you, call into a meeting (alanonphonemeetings.org), you are automatically muted and can just listen if you'd like. And if that is too much, buy the book Codependence and the Power of Detachment, how to set boundaries and make life your own, by Karen Casey.  It's on iBooks.  It's the book that brought me to Al-Anon.  It shares stories of how people live with alcoholics and build Serenity in their life.  

    If you have a relationship that is difficult, spouse, ex-spouse, sibling, parent, teenage/adult child or friend, Al-Anon could be the place to find the tools to navigate that relationship and help you build Serenity in your life.