My decision to be a stay at home mother was made when my daughter was born in Spring 2001 and her father began medical school that Fall. I balanced the knowledge that he would be very focused for the next 7 plus years, and my most recent job was teaching pre-school in Headstart in a small town in Alaska. I understand the equation about how much salary a mother makes minus how much it costs to pay for child care while she works. I believe I was lucky enough to have a husband who agreed to the financial sacrifice and to live on a meager income on student loans and scholarships to support our small family.
Once my daughter was old enough, about 1 1/2, I got a child care license and looked for a child to care for. One child. I felt it would give me just enough income to put food on the table and would be a good ratio for both kids. I found a family whose father was in medical school and whose mother was working to support their family. This little guy and his mother became like my family during the years I cared for him. My daughter considered him her best friend. We went to parks, to the library, we trekked to the nearby zoo, 45 minutes away. And I quickly learned caring for two kids who play with each other is actually easier than caring for a single child.
It was challenging supporting a spouse through medical school. You know college, it seems like there is always more homework to be done. It is never over. My theory was the more I could care for our daughter and the household duties, the more he could study, meaning he would get a good residency placement and our futures would have many opportunities from this investment and sacrifice. I did all the cooking, laundry, and most of the housekeeping. I did all of the child rearing. I applied for food stamps when a fellow graduate student spouse informed me we were eligible because student loans is not considered income. Every bit that added to the food on the table was worth the embarrassment and judgement of the social workers. I figured we were tax paying citizens in the past and we would again both be in the future. But right now we needed help feeding our daughter.
When he graduated from medical school, I took partial credit for his high GPA. How many other students had their own personal laundry service and chef for those four years? Chuckles. And our daughter was well cared for. She was happy, smart and quite an artist even at 4 years old. He got the residency match we chose. I decided if he was gonna be in a hospital for 80 hours a week for the next 3-4 years, I would rather stay at this hospital where my friends were, my support circle. My daughter and I had a group of friends of mothers with young kids. Our Baha'i community was my family away from home. I took my daughter every week to the Prayer Breakfast on Sundays. It was one meal a week I didn't have to cook for those 8 years. And the Baha'is were so welcoming and embracing. I wouldn't have survived those 8 years without my girlfriends and their children.
Now when I decided to have child number two I knew it was illogical. I was completely at capacity caring for the one child I had and my husband during a grueling medical education. But my love for my siblings, my sisters, drove me to throw logic aside. I wanted my children to have the best friends that my sisters are to me. And so during his first year of residency in January my second daughter was born. About a year later, trying to balance a budget on a resident's salary, (we no longer qualified for food stamps! Yay) I began to watch a friend's newborn daughter 3 days a week , just 12 weeks old, while she worked. (The little guy I had watched previously had moved when his father graduated) We had bought a condo thinking it was wiser than paying rent. But the income was not meeting the expenses. The eldest was in kindergarten. And the youngest now a toddler had a playmate as the sweet little baby grew.
In the 4th year of residency the marriage and our home life had become unmanageable, insane, as I have learned Al-Anon calls that state of living. The difficulties had slowly escalated over the years. We separated and eventually divorced as he graduated residency and began his career. All the hard work and sacrifice I invested in his education, did not produce the returns I had hoped for our family. I made the conscious decision if life was hell when $10 was being discussed, I knew life would still be hell when $10,000 was being discussed.
As I came to terms that the man I had loved for 13 years was no longer a man I could share a home with, when I had accepted that my marriage was not capable of being saved no matter how hard I tried, I shifted gears and focused on co-parenting our children. I figured our eldest had about nine years of school left til she graduated and the youngest had her full 12 year school career ahead of her. I visualized us living in the same city. And sharing parenting duties.
It took me about a full year to accept that that was not his plan. He was not interested in being a present parent. His priorities were elsewhere. So all of his parental duties fell on my shoulders. When our youngest started kindergarten I started taking classes at a local Univeristy. I had a great time, being a social extravert, spending my days with other adults was such a great treat. I had been based from home for 10 years!! I was studying psychology because the counseling I'd received throughout the separation and divorce had literally kept me sane! One day when the kids were sick and I needed someone to watch them so I could go to class, their father refused saying he was too tired after driving twelve hours round trip to see his girlfriend. It took me a full year to learn to stop asking him when the girls needed something, he always refused.
I have to be honest. This choice was actually the one that hurt my heart the most. Not that we couldn't save the marriage. Not that he had other priorities higher than the care and needs of my children. But after 8 years of sacrifice and supporting him during his education and caring for my two kids, he did not feel obligated to assist me when it was time for me to return to school. This was the greatest betrayal. He never missed a day of medical school or residency for 8 years or work for 3 years of his career because he had a sick child. And he couldn't see that was because I was there for the kids. What parent can say that? 11 years of not having to miss a day of work because of a sick child.
As I finished a year of college while being a single parent, I knew I couldn't do the job of being the parent the girls needed while studying without more support. As I was deciding about moving closer to my family in another state, the girls' father called me to tell me he was getting married and moving to a city a 6 hour drive away. My decision was easily made.
Now I've been where I currently reside for two years. My original plan was to settle the girls into school and start classes in January. That plan was changed when my Step Dad had complications with cancer. And I decided we would rent a home with my parents and support them through cancer. We had a wonderful 7 months living with Grandpa before he suddenly passed away. He had a high quality of life. The day before he passed away the family went out to brunch. The parents spent the afternoon roaming around Home Depot! The time spent together is so precious.
Some people have criticized me for not taking responsibility for myself because I was not working or going to school. Some have said I have a victim mentality. These were the thoughts that made me start thinking about the journey and decisions that I have made that have brought me to today. I disagree. I have taken responsibility for myself and for the two children I care for when another chooses to be absent. I don't feel I am a victim. I feel I have been treated without basic consideration and respect without cooperation and compromise. But I don't allow that any more. I have learned how to build strong boundaries. I don't expect their father to be present or invested in the girls lives. Because his choices have taught me not to.
I do not regret my choice to be a stay at home mother. It has been a sacrifice in many ways. Of studying and career building. Of income. My children are healthy and happy. They are loved, cared for and know they are cherished by me. They know they are a high priority in my life. And I know eventually the Creator will assist me when it is time for me to go back to school and be the parent these children need and deserve. I don't regret my difficult marriage. It produced the precious sweet children who are the lights of my life. And I have Faith the Creator will send a partner who will love them and be present in their lives.
The artwork of the girls. Evidence of all my hard work and sacrifice!
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