I was living in Insanity and I didn't know it until I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting 2 1/2 years ago. The Insanity came from attempting to co-parent post-divorce my daughters, ages 9 & 4, with their father. There was little communication. What communication there was, it was unhealthy. There was no cooperation. There was no sharing the responsibility of the children. I was at the end of my rope, it was truly driving me crazy.
Listening to the Twelve Steps for the first time was my first step towards Serenity and a life of peace. Step Two - came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I knew something was wrong, but no one could tell me what it was... I'd been to a handful of counselors, starting in Ann Arbor and continuing in Anchorage. But no one had identified my life as insane nor could they point me in the direction to Sanity.
For the first year through separation I'd had the girls 100% of the time except for a few day visits each month. During the dissolution we increased to two over nights a month. And a year later when it was time for the the little one to start kindergarten and I could return to college, we increased to 6 nights a month, which still left me at 80%. When the kids were sick and I needed to go to class, he declined to watch them. Which was particularly painful and maddening, when I spent eight years of my life watching our children, so he could become a doctor! Chuckles. Thankfully my best friend's husband worked from home and he generously watched the girls so I could go to class. This is the nicer of the hard situations to share.
The secret I learned in Al-Anon is changing your focus from the other person(s) and bring your focus to your own self. Serenity came to me when I stopped expecting him to be a present father in their lives, to help me take care of their needs. When I stopped asking him, and starting asking my family and friends for the support my girls needed, peace came. It's been a slow process. It took time. I still struggle with it occasionally 2 1/2 years later. But overall I live a life without Insanity. I live in peace. I have serenity in my life, most of the time. And when Insanity shows up, I know what to do, use my tools Al-Anon has given me and go to a Meeting.
Al-Anon is for Families and Friends of Alcoholics. You may not even know the alcoholic in your life. It could be your grandparent, great-grandparent or come from your spouse's side of the family. But coping with the Insanity that alcoholism and addiction causes in a family produces unhealthy family dynamics. For me, it's my grandfathers and great-grandfathers. I've only known one. But the damage of their alcoholism and abandonment of their children shaped my parents, who then shaped me. In Al-Anon meetings I have heard people share about their own addictions, the addictions of their spouses, their parents, and now their teenage and adult children. Al-Anon literature gives you wisdom collected over decades by people just like you and me. Al-Anon Family groups (meetings) give you a place to safely share your struggles and gives you a place to be supported by people who know exactly how you feel.
As we just passed the holidays, many of us had to deal with unhealthy family dynamics. Or maybe a family medical crisis brought out the worst coping mechanisms in people. Anniversaries of loss had us trudging through The Blues. Stress can trigger emotional disasters in a family. I always like to encourage attendance at a local Al-Anon meeting (find a local meeting on google). If that seems a bit too much for you, call into a meeting (alanonphonemeetings.org), you are automatically muted and can just listen if you'd like. And if that is too much, buy the book Codependence and the Power of Detachment, how to set boundaries and make life your own, by Karen Casey. It's on iBooks. It's the book that brought me to Al-Anon. It shares stories of how people live with alcoholics and build Serenity in their life.
If you have a relationship that is difficult, spouse, ex-spouse, sibling, parent, teenage/adult child or friend, Al-Anon could be the place to find the tools to navigate that relationship and help you build Serenity in your life.
