Grief is like the tide, it comes in and surrounds you then recedes. And later it returns again. Losing my Step Dad was compounded with the additional stress of an injured, non-walking child and a child with emotional post trauma effects. So life was quite overwhelming for a while there. It took time for both girls to recover. As they recovered, grief could be processed more. I had been in complete survival mode. No emotions were being expressed. Only after things settled down, did grief come.
It's odd how we take for granted someone's presence in our life. And when they are gone, you understand much, much more exactly how they contributed to your life. After growing up very poor, Ernie has been our family's provider for 18 years. We may have been adults but he helped us go to college, he helped feed our families when times were tough, he and Mom sent many gifts to the grandkids that made life joyful. Birthdays were alway a time to look forward to because our parens were always so generous.
Ernie and Mom also modeled to us what a happy and healthy marriage looks like. A team effort. Partners who support each other through joy and sorrow. It has always amazed me to see how Ernie and Mom's personal strengths complemented each other. Ernie's strengths matched Mom's weaknesses. And Mom's strengths matched Ernie's.
One memory stands out for me. The girls and I were refugees from Ann Arbor, Michigan in their home in Juneau, Alaska in the Fall of 2008. I had to leave my home to ask for a separation from my husband because his anger was escalating and had crossed into physical violence. It took 6 weeks working with the local Baha'i community and his family to get an agreement to separate. One day my Mom reported that she and Ernie had had an argument. So they had called while he was at work, said a prayer and discussed the issues and come to an agreement. What no yelling? No cussing? No silent treatment? A respectful and peaceful way to settle a disagreement. It was a strong confirmation that my life had truly become unhealthy and now with Al-Anon in my life I call it that time of my life the Insanity. I knew I couldn't live like that anymore.
We have many, many reasons to be grateful for Ernie's presence in our lives. His love, integrity and generosity will be a model for us for the rest of our lives. His grandkids are all more secure and happy because he was a strong man. Strong enough to love with praise and encouragement, not anger or aggression. He was the man of the house who cherished and honored his wife and his daughters. He was strong enough to let us be who we were and not criticize us. He provided food for my girls when their father would not.
The loss is easier to bear. My heart does not ache every morning when he is not here to share my coffee. I have been accepting that he is here with us in a different way. He is here protecting us and encouraging us in a different way. The circle of life. We were blessed to have Ernie for a father for 18 years. It does break my heart that we lost him so young. The kids will miss him as they grow up, study, and have their own families. But I trust in the Creator. That the Divine plan is always perfect.
Challenge. Do a random act of kindness in honor of someone you love who is no longer with us. Pass their gifts forward. Remember them and honor their presence in your life.
This picture is a memorial pole for Charles Lawrence of the Suquamish Tribe, his vision and hard work left a great legacy for his descendants, his Tribe and Indian Country.
