Caution this contains specific details of domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse, proceed with caution.
Also I want to state that these are my experiences and my perspective. Others may see these same events differently and I respect that. But I believe it is essential we share our experiences with Domestic Violence, so we can recognize it in our families and in our communities and strive for healing. We are only as sick as our secrets.
So if we can recognize Domestic Violence in our lives, where do we go from there? I was able to go the the women's shelter in Juneau, Alaska for classes while I waited to return to a safe home in Ann Arbor. Once a week for the 6 weeks I was there. One of my favorite and most powerful learning experiences was there in the land of my Ancestors, Tlingit Country, where my family has lived for thousands of years.
While a facilitator lead us in sharing about our experiences, we were given a piece of polymer clay (like sculpey) we were asked to make something that made us think of the past. I made a small mask. A little bigger than a silver Half Dollar coin. On it I carved two eyes with no mouth. And after it was baked in the oven we painted them. I painted tears falling from those eyes. For me this told my long story of how many years I had been silent about my life. He had asked me not to tell anyone about one of the areas of control. And so for 6 years I didn't tell anyone. I held it all in. Until I finally was able to go to my first counselor and talk about my experiences, the pain I felt, the confusion of being treated this way by someone I loved.
I was given a second piece of clay and asked to make something that made me think of the future. I made another small disk and carved a symbol of the yin and yang on it. I painted it blue on one side and red on the other side to symbolize the Equality of Women and Men.
I returned to my home from Juneau around Thanksgiving after 6 weeks of waiting for my husband to agree to a separation. I had spoken with the women's shelter there and received some counseling and started attending the weekly support group. We met in a basement of a beautiful church. How comforting to be sheltered in a House of God. My first group meeting was their annual Holiday Giveaway (my words). Tables were full of handmade quilts, dozens of them. I took two, and was comfortable with it. So there must have been over 30 for all of us to choose from. There were handmade hats and scarves, beauty supplies, body care supplies, miscellaneous gifts for kids. What a welcome! To be showered with gifts as I entered a long journey of healing.
I went to this weekly meeting for 6 months. I learned the stories of these women and learned how we all shared similar experiences. There is a spectrum of control. Some men hit, and some will beat you, and some will put you in a hospital and some will try to kill you. But all of them, use words as weapons. I heard from one woman how she had healed her broken bones relatively quickly but her emotional healing has taken years and she was not yet done.
I had been told on the phone when talking to an Abuser's program that our society has the concept of danger of Domestic Violence backwards, we think that physical abuse is the worst, when really emotional abuse is far more damaging. To hear it from a professional male was one thing, to hear it from a female survivor was a totally different lesson. Our hearts and our minds are bruised from emotional and verbal abuse and the patterns of control they build in our lives.
From the Summary Policy Statement on Domestic Violence
Of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'is of the United States:
In contrast to obvious and extreme forms of domestic violence, the less extreme and non-criminal aspects of domestic violence present the challenge that they may not even be recognized as abusive. Yet they also are violations of Bahá'í standards of conduct, and they affect a broad segment of the population. Overcoming and preventing all forms of domestic violence requires that local Bahá’í communities foster a spirit and active pattern of loving support for families and emphasize both personal and family development in on-going education programs for children, youth and adults.
What are the less extreme and non-criminal aspects of domestic violence that are violations of Baha'i standards of conduct that are a challenge to recognize as abusive? Which of these patterns of control are less extreme and non-criminal?
Patterns of Domestic Violence may include the following: physical abuse, sexual abuse, economic abuse, destroying or damaging property, neglect, abandonment, emotional and verbal abuse, corrupting, stalking, using coercion and threats to intimidate, isolating the abused party, minimizing or denying the abuse, and blaming the abused party.
I have found that identifying the patterns of control is the first step to healing.
Challenge: if you are living with patterns of control, call the National Hotline and talk to someone. If you know someone living with patterns of control, share the phone number with them. If you have a local women's shelter call them, if you need help ask for help, if you can give help, find out what you can do to support women and children in your community suffering from the worst vulnerability, that of our heart and of our home.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.thehotline.org/
A copy of the Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violences is on this page.
http://www.bahai.us/social-action/advancement-of-women/addressing-domestic-violence/
