So over the years learning about how to take care of myself, I've learned I have to take care of ME first, then my family. It used to be my children and my husband. Now for the last three years, it's just my kids. Which in ways is more work and in other ways is way less work. Chuckles.
It's perfectly illustrated in the story of when flying and the flight attendant instructs us in emergencies to put on our own oxygen mask first and then help others. It seems so damn simple. But it is hard and complex to put into everyday practice.
I have found that being able to read how you are feeling is a big first step to taking care of your self. In the last couple years I have been using and defining what I call The Traffic Light System. A green zone means I am happy, rested, peaceful, content and full of hope and wonder at the world being in perfect synchronicity and order. A yellow means I am tired, sad, frustrated and I'm struggling with daily life. A red can be a spectrum of being depressed, pessimistic, not being to see a light out of the dark and long tunnel, being angry and pissed off, and just stuck and maybe paralyzed and unable to move forward.
When I first started using this Traffic Light System, I recognized I lived most of my life in a yellow, with few green moments and I could easily be pushed into a red. Now I live mostly in a green with a few moments of yellow and once in a while a particular person can send me into a red.
So how are you feeling? Are you peaceful and content? Are you in a green zone? Are you tired? Or frustrated? In a yellow zone? Do you have the blues? Are you pissed off cause someone you live with keeps walking over your side of the fence and dumping their trash on your side? In a red zone?
If you are in a yellow or a red, the first thing to do is step away. Take a break. Walk out the door. If you can't leave a young child, go into your room and lock the door. Give yourself 5 minutes. Take some deep breaths. Inhale. Rest. Exhale.
Next if you can sit for 20- 30 minutes. Sit down and Do Not Get up. Read a book or turn on the TV and set a timer. Do this twice a day. If you work outside the home sit in your car for lunch. Take 20 minutes before you pick up the kids. If you are at home with pre-school aged children, train them to help give Mama (or Daddy) a break. Set a timer and reward them. If they are potty training they can interrupt to go potty. But otherwise no interruptions. Start with 10 minutes and increase slowly. Make sure to read or watch something light and fun. Nothing dark and dramatic. You have enough drama in your life, right?
Next think about what you could do today that would make you happy. Now if you have been in a red zone for too long, you may not even remember what activities make you happy, so start with writing a list of what makes you happy. I had forgot how much I love music. I had forgot how much I had loved to dance. That's how stress works. You survive. You go down to the basics. Eat and get dressed and get to work. Your batteries never get recharged.
I can turn on Pandora and dance in my room and feel better. I like Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. Eventually I bought my favorites from iTunes, Phil Collins' In the Air Tonight, John Mellencamp's Jack and Diane, Jay-Z's Young Forever, Whitney Houston's How Will I Know, and new favorites Justin Timberlake's Mirrors and Nicki Minaj's not explicit Starships.
I can take a walk somewhere pretty and get reconnected with Mother Earth and her gorgeous gifts. The trees give me strength. The flowers make me glow reflecting my inner beauty. Water grounds me, I feel like it calms me. Reminds me life is always movement, never still. Don't fight the waves, ride them.
Another powerful tool is reaching out. It's funny but it works both ways. I can text a friend and just say I need to vent. They listen and encourage me. And at my darkest movements I almost always receive a text from a friend, never the same friend, more like a rotation of my close confidants. And though no one can provide all the support I need, I have nurtured a circle of friendships, that all together, sustainably support me.
One friend I text regularly when I just get a feeling, always laughs at how I know exactly when to reach out to her. I have told her for years I blame my Grandmother Ruby and her Grandfather Tom for scheming in heaven together. Our guardian angels coordinating our friendship and support and love for each other.
I lost a light of my life 17 days ago. I have never lost a parent before. Challenge: if you have lost a parent, send me a note, a message, a text or give me a ring, let me know what helps you cope with the grief. I'll keep it private unless you state otherwise.
PS a cup of coffee always makes me happy! Here is a cup from my weekend of Recharging My Batteries.
