Jumpstart My Heart: Part Three

     I love the monorail.  It's so quick, but it makes the trip from Downtown to the Seattle Center a breeze and so much fun.  Now that the EMP is there, its pretty cool to ride through that fantastic building.  Heading downtown, it was full of visitors (you can tell) enjoying a beautiful day of blue sky and sunny warmth.  I had packed my bag for the weekend before looking at the weather and had dressed for the cool temperature we'd had all week.  My boots and sweater got hot real quick.  

     I thought I was running late. But as usual the Universe runs perfectly in sync and my friend texted they were running late.  Chuckles. I was heading to Nordstrom to charge my phone at Concierge when they sent the new timeline for meeting up.  Stuck in Nordstrom with nothing to do but wait?  A wish come true. Browsing Nordstrom was on my list of things to do!  

     I decided to go find a top more appropriate for the warm weather.  After recently watching What Not to Wear on Netflix, I quickly browsed the selection I could afford, no famous designers for me. And found a gorgeous top, I picked up two colors, a beige and a deep blood red and found a mirror.  The red popped and coordinated well with my black velvet pants.  As I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw, a customer service lady said, "The red looks great and goes with your lipstick."  Nordstrom is fabulous.  The blouse was far above what a I would normally pay for a top.  But I knew the danger of shopping in Nordstrom and decided to splurge.  I went to the back to try it on and it was so lovely I kept it on.  The lady helped cut the tag off as I paid for the purchase and off I went to more browsing.

     So I wandered through Accessories, I found some hair ties on the reduced table, I had not packed any and I wanted to tie up my hair.  Next was handbags.  Just wandering through beauty makes me feel better.  Even if I know there is no way I can afford 95% of what I see, I don't mind.  I have learned over the years to buy quality, the investment always pays off.  So I buy good shoes and I recently started to buy good purses.  A pair of $100 shoes way out last a cheap shoe and you can be so super comfy every step of the way, it's worth every single penny.  Also if you are not familiar with Nordstrom, they are known for their amazing return policy.  I choose to buy from Nordstrom when I can because I know if I have any problem they will help me with a return.  Also use their e-receipt and you will never lose it.

     Next was shoes and that's when my friend found me!  Good save.  Chuckles. After a quick consultation our directions changed and we headed for food and the MOHAI, Museum of History and Industry.  I'd never heard of it.  But I'm game.  We rode the street car from near Westlake to South Lake Union.  It was gorgeous.  The blue sky with light shimmering off the lake.  Float planes, fabulous yachts (one day I will vacation on one!), and people boating.  We grabbed some food from the cafe and sat in the glorious sun.  I sipped on my favorite blood orange San Pellegrino, kicked off my boots and tied up my long hair.  This October day felt like summer.  I was feeling so blessed.

     The Museum of History and Industry was right up my alley.  I love history, especially Native history.  I was fascinated seeing an old map of Seattle when Indians out numbered immigrants.  To look at old maps and try to find the streets I have become familiar with in my love affair with the City in the past year.  The University used to be on University street!  Angeline, the daughter of Chief Seattle used to live on Pike Street.  I saw maps of the Klondike gold rush, pictures of HUGE trees being logged, mining in Seattle and the train arriving in Tacoma.

     We walked through Seattle's history: the Depression, World War II, the Japanese Internment Camps, the building of the 50's homes, the Civil Rights Era, the American Indian Movement.  Models of ships and airplanes.  We talked about life before the telephone and when mail drove the use of airplanes!  Can you remember when long distances calls were expensive?  Chuckles.

I had a fabulous time.  I can't wait to go back again and see my favorites again.

     We said good bye and I headed back to my BFF and then hoped to get back to my room to watch the sunset.  I was not disappointed.  The sunset was phenomenal.  A few clouds that looked like the Creator's brushstrokes were turning neon as the sun set.  I filled the tub and ended up watching Walk the Line, the Johnny Cash and June Carter story.  I have never liked that he left his wife and kids.  But this time watching it I realized June had been divorced twice before. She  was an amazing single mother.  She also knew how to help him through his addictions.  And they were able to walk the line together and build something beautiful.  Hmmm....

Jumpstart my heart: Building Rainbows after the Storms Part two

     When I knew I was headed to the Emerald City, I knew where I wanted to stay, Hotel 1000, and what I wanted to do, rest and do things that make me happy.  I have learned when my batteries are drained rest is essential but it's not the only essential.  I have found joy to Jumpstart My Heart faster than anything.

     One of my BFF's (I am blessed with several) would be in the City with me but at another hotel with her kids.  We planned to meet up off and on.  We had a list of things we wanted to do, visit my favorite SAM, Seattle Art Museum, and she wanted to see the Frank Gehry building the EMP, Experience Music Project.  Those were on the top of the list.  I also let a couple new friends know I was coming into the City and to let me know if they had time to get together.  

     I drove my car on the ferry.  My children were in the loving and capable hands of their family and I could feel the relief surrounding me.  I was off duty.  24 hour duty for 25 days straight with only a few breaks being a trip alone to the grocery store is emotionally and physically exhausting.  By the time I dropped off my BFF & kids and checked into my room, the sky was a dark midnight blue, the last shades of light fading.  It was gorgeous with an accent of neon on the Seattle Wheel.  I felt so blessed to be surrounded with beauty.  The room was gorgeously interior designed,  something I only know from Architectural Digest or the movies.  The tub looked like a slice of heaven on earth.  

      I ordered dinner and filled the tub.  I watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  It was so relaxing.  I had plans to meet up with my BFF in the morning and new friend #1 in the afternoon to head to the Museum.  I fell asleep feeling so grateful. The storm had been long.  I had steered my canoe expertly through the rough waves until the storm lasted too long and I couldn't keep up anymore.   I was able to keep my head above the water until rescue arrived.  And finally I was relieved, being warmed up and drying out.  

     I slept well and I slept in for me.  Waking up with the light shining brightly through a small opening in the curtains.  After ordering breakfast and a peaceful and pampering quick trip to the Spa to get a brow wax, I was headed out the door to meet the BFF and go explore Seattle.  I caught a taxi up to their hotel.  (Westin, don't recommend it, too many hidden charges and very light on the customer service) We took the monorail to the Seattle Center, passing by the stunning building of the EMP.  

    I love how out of the box Frank Gehry's work is.  I'm only familiar with two.  The Art Gallery of Ontario in Toronto that I visited in 2009.  And the EMP which I have only seen in passing.  The AGO I could sit and watch for ages it seemed like.  How did he curve wood?  The non-square shapes were fascinating.  It was soul stirring.  The EMP just amazes me, the rainbow of colors and the forms of metal are again fascinating, how does he do this?  Talk about learning from a Master...  I love living life out of the box!  Being true to myself and to my spiritual beliefs and not conforming to what we are sold on TV every minute of the day.

     As we all voted what to do, Chihuly Glass and Garden won.  I loved how the path starts with the Indigenous influences, traditional woven baskets sit next to glass that seems to imitate the shape and design.  A wall full of Pendleton blankets is stunning.  I want one!!!  And the portraits and pictures of historical Indigenous life.  For me, being Alaska Native and feeling protective of the First Nations rights to our Homeland, when others honor our rights, our Ancestral heritage and our place in today's world, I feel grateful and included and respected.  Again this artist thinks outside the box he takes glass and makes objects that seem to be alive.

     I left my BFF at the Collections Cafe, grabbed some gluten free Kabobs from the Center House  and headed out on the monorail for my next scheduled meet up.  Fries with hummus was a delicious first!  The sun was shining brightly, I had to wear shades.  It was a beautiful gift of warmth and light after the long storm that had brought me to me knees.

To be continued....

Rainbows after the Storm. Can you find them? Can you create them?

     I'm sitting in the dark.  Looking out the at the beautiful midnight blue of pre-dawn.  I can see part of the Seattle wheel.  I'm surrounded by luxury, gorgeous interior design and architecture.  I'm eating a picture perfect veggie delight omelet with Starbucks Via.  There are moments when I feel I have found heaven on earth.  This is one of them.

     It's a challenge to write this because I know not everyone has experienced this or has the opportunity to at the moment.  But I think there is something very valuable about experiencing the beauty of luxury.  Mother Earth and humankind has worked together in creating spaces and places with experiences that surround you with beauty and comfort.  

     I do not live at the income level that would open these doors regularly but I have always invested in beauty and comfort when choosing hotels.  In this last year I reached a new level investing in one night at Hotel 1000 in downtown Seattle.  And this week when my sister said she would give me a night off, after being on duty for 25 days with only occasional trips to the grocery store as a break, I knew where my heart wanted to go, Hotel 1000.

     As a single mother I moved to Washington to have a stronger support system for my girls and me.  But my 7 year old stepped on a pencil on 9-9 and needed surgery, making her unable to walk, my Step Dad and their Grandpa passed away on 9-23 and 5 days later a tree fell on the house with piercing limbs through the ceiling so close to the 12 year old.  My Mom is grieving and a terrible cold has hit my sisters.  My normal support system was overloaded.  

     I emailed the staff at Hotel 1000 and told them about my month and asked for their assistance with a reservation.  I had already begun working with the staff about planning my 40th birthday weekend in December.  When they offered an extremely generous and kind discount I knew where I was headed!  Then I got word the girls paternal grandmother and aunt were coming to visit the girls and I had two nights off, so I was able to extend my stay.

     I was given a luxe parlor room with a water view.  When I walked in the door and saw the beautiful interior design, art work and lovely furnishings, I felt so blessed.  Since being a part of an Al-Anon family group, my goal has been to keep my side of the fence clean.  I cannot control or manipulate others.  I can only ask for what the girls or I need. And their response is between them and the Creator.  I strive to be truthful, trustworthy, and respectful to myself and to others.  I strive to give to the world what I want given to me.  And I believe strongly in karma.  The Universe sends me gifts because I strive to be the best human being I can possibly be.  

     What do we do when the Creator sends us storms with huge waves one right after the other?  Not being able to recover before the next one hits.  I like Abdu'l-Baha's instructions, to ride the waves, be a strong ship (I translate that into canoe) and not a battered one.  When I thought about what being a strong canoe means to me, I thought it means I have to be a well trained skipper.  I have to know how to ride Big Waves, how to steer my canoe.  I have to learn how to see a Big Storm coming and know what to do.  Is there time to find safe shelter nearby?  Or do we just have to ride the storm out?  If we get capsized, do we have a support boat waiting nearby to pick us up and warm us up?  If our support boat is overwhelmed, can we use all our skills to stay afloat and wait for help to arrive?

     What does this mean in real life terms?  For me it means building community.  Valuing people who value you.  Investing time and resources  in people who invest time and resources in you.  Help others when their canoe has capsized. And when you need rescue they will rescue you.  And if not, then I need to stop investing in them and rescuing them.  It means knowing the Creator always sends us storms, it is just a part of life on Mother Earth.  It's not because you did something wrong (though when you do, those manifest their own storms).  It's just part of the human life cycle.  We have the capacity to learn how to master our skills of living a happy and healthy life on this planet.  We have the chance every day to build peace on earth, by building peace in our hearts, in our homes, and with each person who crosses our path.  Our tools for building peace need to be mastered: communication, respect for differing opinions, not judging others, not focusing on others lives, but on our own.  And, of course, my all time favorite finding joy!

     When I was given the gift of a night off, I knew I didn't have to just rest, I knew I needed to find joy.  So yesterday was spent at Chihuly Glass Garden at the Seattle Center with my sister-friend and her two kids visiting from Anchorage. The glass was soul-stirring.  The connection to Indigenous baskets was breath taking.  And the afternoon was spent at the Museum of History and Industry with a new friend.  We serendipitously started in the Indigenous section and was honored to visit the rosary of Angeline, Chief Seattle's daughter.  To see maps of Seattle when Indians outnumbered immigrants.  We walked a path through time: mining, logging, the Depression, the World War II, the 50's, the Civil Rights Era, the American Indian movement.  I shared the story of my Grandmothers part in the protest of Fort Lawton and the establishing of the Daybreak Star Indian community Center.  I heard a story of the Kingdome and the Mariner's first play offs in 1998.  It was a perfect day.

     I got back to the hotel to watch a gorgeous sunset. And I took a bath in an amazingly well-designed tub.  I was tired. Chuckles. But my heart was happy and full of joy. And today as the sky turns from midnight blue to baby blue, I know I'm headed to the Seattle Art Museum.

     Gunalcheesh to my Ancestors, to the girls' Ancestors and to the Creator for sending me a stunning symbolic rainbow after my Big Storm....

     

     

     

Grief. Waves that come and surround you. Then recede. And come again.

     Grief is a complex experience.  It can come as a shock, like a tsunami hitting, or slowly as flood waters slowly rise until the house is surrounded and you are stuck.  My past experience with grief were two major events, my divorce after 15 years of marriage and the loss of an Uncle, our beloved Grandmother and Matriarch, an Aunt and Uncle within a span of 8 months.  

     That is when I learned that grief comes in waves.  It comes and embraces you, fills you with sadness and then passes.  You get on with life learning to adjust to the loss.  Then the wave comes crashing in again, embracing you, filling you with sadness and then receding.  For me it took a while to recognize the pattern.  Then once I understood grief comes and goes, it was easier to navigate.  

     The loss of loved ones varies.  Losing an elder, you know the end of the life cycle is approaching.  And you can prepare for their death.  But when they pass away, the dark reality of loss can be overwhelming.  The pillar who had been a significant presence in our life, our whole life, is now gone?  Now times that by 4.  Losing all four was like  four 8.0 earthquakes and their tsunamis hitting our family before we barely recovered from the last passing.  October, December, January, and June.  Four of the pillars of my life no longer present.  The losing of someone too young before  when the end of life cycle should be, and the younger they are, the more painful the loss.  

     Our families believe their is existence that follows death on this planet.  So there is a comfort there.  I especially felt my Grandmother's shining beacon after she passed away.  She seemed to have a specific agenda and I saw it clearly manifested in my life.  During my own life storms I find strength knowing I have a grandmother, two uncles and an aunt looking after me, my own guardian angels.

     The divorce was a different kind of grief.  It was more like a flood that had slowly risen and all of a sudden my home was completely underwater and I was left floating waiting for rescue.  The grief swallowed me whole.  And it took ages to process it and to finally recognize it as grief for the loss of a future I had dreamed of.  I had dreamt of  raising our children together, travel, service to humankind, to our beloved Faith, and of enjoying the financial security for our family from the  investment in his education.  Also to let go of the romantic love I felt for him when it was no longer returned.  

     There is one theory of stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and says "that when a person is faced with the reality of impending death or other extreme, awful fate he or she will experience a series of emotional stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance."  Denial - I'm fine.  Anger - why me?  Bargaining- I'll do anything for... Depression - why bother? Acceptance - It's going to be ok.

     My acceptance for the loss of loved ones was tied to Faith in Divine timing.  That the Creator and Universe have a Divine timing for when a person's life cycle ends.  And it's easier to bear when I believe that although I cannot see them, but they are with me, can hear me, and can influence my life in positive ways.  When my Grandmother died I went immediately after her funeral to a conference across the country.  But in the hotel lobby an old family friend greeted me and acknowledged my loss and said - I pray every day for Ruby, because I know she prays for me.  I was far from home, but I was sent a dear friend to comfort me.

     My acceptance of my divorce and the reality that eventually became the absence of my daughters father in their lives took longer. I was so attached to that future of a dream together.  And I did not want to parent alone.  But I knew the Creator is the Ultimate Protector.  He would shield and shelter us when the man who used to be my husband and would forever be the girls father was no longer present to do the job. 

    A friend shared when people leave your life God sends us new people.  And it's true.  When I needed someone to watch the girls so I could go to my college class it was my best friend's husband who stepped up.  When we needed money to eat, it was my Step Dad who sent money.  When the 4 year old needed asthma medication picked up and it was 20 degrees outside, a family friend was happy to do it.  I stopped looking for what my girls needed from a person who was not interested in being present. I was surrounded by people who loved and cherished these amazing girls, and were committed to the work that it takes to raise a child.  Who helped with love and compassion.  What a gift to learn to stop asking someone who wasn't interested.  My grief turned into acceptance.  And my  loss was replaced with gratitude.

     Challenge:  are you struggling with grief?  A loss old or new?  Can you see where in theses 5 stages you are stuck? Or are you completely overwhelmed when a reoccurring wave of grief hits out of the blue?  I call some grief chronic grief. Because you will always carry it. It will be there like an old scar that always reminds you of a past injury.  I suggest writing a letter and not sending it, writing in a journey or talking to a friend. 

Here is a link to Kubler-Ross theory.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

O SON OF THE SUPREME! I have made death a messenger of joy to thee. Wherefore dost thou grieve? I made the light to shed on thee its splendor. Why dost thou veil thyself therefrom?

From Baha'i Writings

Passion for Art +SAM + photowalk + Instagram= a whole new world of photography and community

     My life changed September 7th, 2013.  Yes, I will mark it with a new milestone, a new chapter of my life began.  My initiation into the world of iphoneogprahy, using your iPhone as a camera.  Sure I've taken amazing pictures for the last few years and posted them to FB.  This summer a friend told me how she liked Instagram and I downloaded the app, but it wasn't until the Photowalk on September 7th at the SAM sculpture park that I posted my first photo to Instagram.

     I learned my first hash tag for the event, #bemobile_k5.  And I found my first non-Facebook contact, @KateHailey.  The tip given to me by an Androidedit rep was "look for a different perspective.  Go low.  Look up. "  I took pictures while walking through the sculpture park with new friends.  I took about 50 photos while on the walk.  4 of which I thought were decent enough to post for the photowalk contest.  I uploaded them that night.  Good thing, cause if I waited and saw the other hundreds of photos posted later, and I was quite humbled, I would NEVER have posted a single photo.  The fascinating part of a photowalk is seeing 300 photos of the same park and seeing 300 different images, perspectives and stories.  

     My first thoughts were what an awesome way to build bridges through diverse groups of our City, through a Universal Language, photography.  Our country was debating what to do about Syria.  Do we take military action or not?  I always try to build peace in my life and in my neighborhood, (also in my Facebook hood) when we are discussing war, war crimes, genocide, etc.  I feel the only way we will ever achieve World Peace is when we have peace in our hearts, our homes, and in our communities.  What can I do about Syria today? Discuss my thoughts of peace with friends and take small actions that build peace in my life.  

     Since September 7th, I've been learning how to use Instagram, the camera, the filters, how to post, what tags to use, how to follow people, how to comment on other's photos.   I am having a great time.  I took my 12 year old daughter to a Flickr photowalk at Pike Place Market.  She got the best photos. I've posted them on my Instragram, lagubatayao, and our Flickr, threekillerwhales.  Flickr gave me a headache.  Information overload.  It's gorgeous, the photos from the Pike Place photowalk are again amazing.  And yes, I posted our simple and humble photos.  

     Challenge: try out Instagram.  Post a photo.  Check out #bemoblie_k5 from the SAM sculpture park Photowalk.  It's a great way to be creative, see some amazing artists and be a part of a community of artists.

Us vs.Them, Parents versus Teachers, or how to build a team and not become adversaries.

     With the new school year just gearing up, many of us parents are getting to know new teachers, and for those of us with kids in middle school and high school we are trying to get to know multiple teachers.  Backpacks are full of supplies and lunch boxes are packed.  Homework is starting to be due.  Deep breath, cause we know it's a long year ahead of us.  

     So a girlfriend texted me yesterday that her kindergartner  was "pulled into the hall by the teacher... To discuss his lack of listening yesterday and the disruption it caused."  This actually cracked me up, I replied "Lack of listening from a 5 year old. Classic!  Get a grip teacher."  

     What did I find lacking in the behavior of this adult and college-educated teacher?  The use of shame.  Does shame really motivate a kid to correct a behavior?  And if this boy is a kindergartner in his first month of school, has he had enough time to learn when the appropriate times for being quiet and listening are?  What is kindergarten for?  Isn't it to learn when to be quiet and listen to a teacher?  And is it age appropriate to ask a 5 year old boy to have this lesson mastered in the first month of school.  Or be shamed for his not mastering this skill yet?  Aren't there more healthy choices of motivating a 5 year old?

     I  have  learned in 12 plus years of parenting that kids are motivated by different rewards.  When my kids do not follow directions multiple times, I threaten to take away their privileges.  I give them three chances.  If they haven't followed by the third chance they will lose electronics, iPods, kindle fire, Wii and tv for a set amount of time.  They have suffered through those consequences enough now, that I rarely have to take the privileges.  I also use praise when they do follow directions.  It's my goal to praise more than I  punish.  Because I believe praise builds self-esteem and criticism kills it.

     I also have different expectations from my 12 year old than my 7 year old.  The 12 year old points this out on occasion, why does she not have to do ____? Because I didn't expect you to do that at her age either.  One of my basic rules is when the kids ask me to do something, if they are capable of it, they have to do it.  There are many things a 12 year old and a 7 year old are not capable of, so I have quite a long list of things I will do for them.  The 7 year old can go get a glass of water if she is thirsty.  But there are times when I will get her something to drink as a gift, being kind and loving.

     So how do we support our kids when our values and discipline systems clash with their teachers, or their schools?  The same 5 year old was choked by a classmate, defended himself and will lose recess until Tuesday.  While the safety officer teaches them both alternatives to aggression.  OM heavens!  My kid defends himself and he loses recess?  And he has to spend time with this perpetrator as a punishment?  Who thinks of these systems of discipline?  

     I advised my friend to praise her son for defending himself at home. And to have the school in writing tell her exactly how they expect her 5 year old to respond to bullying, so she can help train him.  I say in writing, because its my experience that on a playground bullying gets ignored by adults a lot. And kids have to handle the situation themselves.  So if the correct way to respond is to tell an adult, will the adult listen and take action?  Many times I have seen a kid who is bullied not to be a tattle tale!  

     I have also seen a school train peer mediators.  When kids have conflict on the playground, a peer helps them solve the conflict. And if it can't be solved then they turn to an adult!  Pretty cool if you ask me!  

     So what is on our side of the fence?  How do we build bridges with our kids teachers?  With the school staff?  I think communication is the key.  And the same rules apply, praise more than criticize!  Lol.  Teachers and school staff will become defensive if they feel criticized.  So in the case of the kindergartner listening or not, I'd email the teacher and set up a short meeting without the student to discuss how he is rewarded and consequences for not following directions at home.  Describe his personality and what motivates him.  Work together on him mastering this skill.  Find a way to praise the teacher for some other strength you have seen, a well organized classroom, etc...

     The most important principle in this situation is that the student feels successful and is given the opportunity to be successful based on his/her individual strengths.  What if he can't listen this year?  But at 6 years old, 

 his brain switch turns, and he masters the ability to sit quietly?  How a kids feels about school and their ability to succeed is all the difference.  I bet if you asked every college graduate if they felt successful in elementary school, the majority would say yes.  And if you asked non-college graduates, if they felt successful in elementary school, I think we'd get the opposite... 

Challenge: are you being challenged with a teacher or a school system?  Is there a way to build a bridge of communication?  To request cooperation and a team effort to meet the needs of the kid and the classroom with positive discipline?  

And if you are a teacher, can you see how to reach out to a parent and build a relationship of mutual support and cooperation.  Are there factors at home you may not know of?  Are there high stress factors, unemployment, underemployment, poverty, single parenthood, addictions, domestic violence, lack of parenting skills (that occurs across class/income)?  Can you help the family get the support they need to support their kid in school?

Marital difficulties, an Epidemic, or how does Patriarchy affect our families today?

     This morning I had a challenging time deciding what to write about.  I thought about some of the conversations I've had with friends and what tools I've shared with them recently: Take Some Space, Walk Out the Door, Nurture Yourself, Read Your Traffic Signal, Make Time for Joy Every Day, Drop the Rope of Tug of War, and just this morning, When You See A Bear Walk Away to A Safe Distance, meaning if your partner is angry give them space  and Do Not Engage.

     The common thread behind the majority of these skills is our significant relationship, and within them the patterns of women being dominated by men.  "What? We live in America in the year 2013?  Women and men are equal.  I believe women and men are equal, so does my husband, so it must be true, right?"  I was surprised when I read in the book Advancement of Women by Janet and Peter Khan, "While the causes of marital breakdown can be many, one common cause is domination of the wife by the husband." (Page 115)

     Again lets look at the Big Picture humans have been humans on earth for 200,000 years.  In 1920, the 19th Amendment gave women the right to vote in the USA.  That's just under a 100 years.  That's 1900 years since Jesus Christ walked the earth.  So after 199, 900 years  of life on Mother Earth women were given the right to vote.  In the 1960's a women's liberation movement spread throughout the world.  And our country still has not passed an Equal Pay for Equal Work law.  It's only been a few decades that women working out of the home has been more common than those who do not.  To understand the Big Picture, we need to understand what patriarchy is and how it has worked for thousands of years.  

     Patriarchy- from Merriam-Webster Dictionary app  

1 : social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line; broadly : control by men of a disproportionately large share of power

2 : a society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy

     Both of these definitions are present in our daily lives, our homes modeled on the blend of both of our original families have models of patriarchy, dependence of women on men, and a disproportionately large share of decision making power.  Our schools and work places also have patterns where men dominate especially in roles of leadership and management.  I was astounded one day looking at a wall of the pictures of the Chiefs of Surgery of the Virginia Mason Hospital in Seattle last year, and there was one women in 100 years since their beginning in 1920.

     I had a conversation with a Baha'i woman in the Fall of 2008 when I was seeking a separation from my husband about the Equality of Women and Men and what it means in our lives today.  She said, "I would like to talk about this in our community...we both work 40 hour a week jobs.  But when we come home at night, I cook dinner, start the laundry and help the kids with their home work.  But he is playing on the computer."  

    I think martial difficulties are like cancer.  If you can identify (diagnosis) them early, and get therapy (treatment), you have a higher success rate of healing the marriage (curing).  If you wait too long and  ignore symptoms, by the time you get to a therapist (doctor), the difficulties have grown larger and spread to different areas of marital life (tumors grow larger and spread throughout organ systems) and the rate of curing is much lower.

     In the Baha'i Faith, in a message written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, our International governing body, states a couple in need of assistance should not hesitate to consult "professional marriage counselors, individually and together if possible, and also to take advantage of the supportive counseling which can come from wise and mature friends."  I used this passage as a prescription in my own marriage, but it my opinion by that time our difficulties were past Stage Four and our marriage was not curable.   

     Before I found this passage in Advancement of Woman, I suffered silently.  I was in Year Three of Toxic Stress when I was feeling like I was going crazy from the misery of my marriage, and I felt like I was the only one suffering.  Within a few weeks, 3 Baha'i couples told me they had used marriage counseling or were in counseling.  I was so shocked.  These couples looked perfectly happy and cooperative whenever I saw them in public.  I had never known anyone who had gone to marriage counseling.  What a blessing to know I was not alone, and every couple has their challenges.  I'm sorry to say all three of those couples are divorced today.  Divorce truly is a cancer and an epidemic in our society.  And it's not what's wrong with Leigh Anne and her husband.  It's what's wrong with our community, and all our marriages and the lack of support for marriage and family life.

     

Challenge:  So what can we do?  One: is if you are married and you can see these inequalities in your marriage, go see a counselor and ask them to help identify areas of inequality and how to build skills and systems for equality.  Go alone if you have to.  And keep asking your spouse to join you. Two: f you are a part of a community, ask the Community and it's leaders to have  discussions about the Equality of Women and Men and how to support married couples who are having difficulties.  And three: if you have a friend who is suffering from an unequal marriage talk to her, share with her your concerns and be a listening ear and encourage her to seek professional counseling and use wise and mature friends for support.

Additional reading:

A compilation on Women

http://reference.bahai.org/en/t/c/CW/